A Printer's Apprentice Who Can't Spell

Humor, 1874

A printer in Glasgow was sadly bothered with an apprentice who could not, or would not, be initiated into that portion of grammar which treats of the proper disposition of letters in words. One day he presented such a shockingly inaccurate proof as made his master, after starting with amazement, take the spectacles from off his nose, and give the ill-disposed "devil" the following recipe:
"My man, just gang hame the night, and tell your mither to boil Fulton & Knight's Dictionary in milk, and take it for your supper, as that seems the only way you'll ever get spelling put into ye."



Complimentary

A lumbering old stage-coach, that plies between two inland towns, is called Noah's Ark. The other morning a pompous traveler yelled at the driver, who had got under way, to "hold on."
"Do you want to get into the Ark?" asked the driver.
"Yes," said the traveler.
"Hurry up, then," was the response, "for we've all the animals aboard already except the donkey."



What does man love more than life,
Hate more than death or mortal strife;
That which contented men desire,
Which poor men have, and rich require?
The miser spends, the spendthrift saves,
And all men carry to their graves?
Nothing.



A young couple were sitting together in a romantic spot, with birds and flowers about them, when the following dialogue ensued:
"My dear, if the sacrifice of my life would please thee, most gladly would I lay it at thy feet."
"Oh, sir, you are too kind! But it just reminds me that I wish you'd leave off using tobacco."
"Can't think of it. It's a habit to which I am wedded."
"Very well, sir; since this is the way you lay down your life for me, and as you are already wedded to tobacco, I'll take good care you are never wedded to me, as it would be bigamy."



Don't quarrel with a spiritualist. He can always turn the tables on you!


What fish is most valued by a loving wife? Her-ring.