Holding His Job For Him

1901

"Of all the excuses I have ever heard from people for not paying their bills," said a collector for a prominent firm the other day, "I got the neatest today from a very wealthy man who always owes the house a bill. No matter whether the bill is for $10 or $100, he always pays $5. I have gone back the next week and got $5 more, and once I went back twice in one week, and he paid me $5 each time and seemed glad to see me. I got to know him pretty well, and the other day I asked him why he did not pay it all, as I knew he had the money."

" 'Well,' said the old fellow, "if I pay you everything I owe you at one time you will collect so fast that pretty soon you will be out of a job for the want of something to collect.'

"I don't know whether that was his reason or not, but I let the subject drop and am just going around there now for another $5. — Memphis Scimitar.

Middle Course Best

1901

"It is hard to say which is the best thing for us," remarked the bill collector. "If nobody paid his bills, we should get no commissions, and if everybody paid them we should be thrown out of a job. Our profession offers no exception to the general rule that a middle course is the safest." — Boston Transcript.

Spring Specimens (poetry)

1878

Spring Specimens

'Tis now the gentle hopper-grass
Arises from his winter snooze
And whets his bill upon his leg
Preparatory to its use.

'Tis now the festive yellow jacket
And hornet ope their eyes for aye,
And strive to make a pretty fuss
By stinging cows upon the thigh.

The Paragraphers now awake
And rummage over musty files,
Wherewith to gain their daily bread,
And also gain the public's smiles.

'Tis now the festive door-bell rings
And duns walk through the open door,
And still present the same old bills
As long as in the days of yore.

—National Union.