Farmer Henryer Meant Well, but He Didn't Deserve a Good Wife

1895

Old Ripley Henryer is a well to do farmer with skinflint tendencies whose life has been passed without an emotion except what may have been engendered in getting money together and holding fast to it.

When his father died a quarter of a century ago, his mother concluded she could not get along without him, so she quickly followed the same way, and Ripley, coming into possession of the homestead, felt the necessity for a good cook and washerwoman. Then he prevailed upon Hetty Mercer, an affectionate and pretty girl of the neighborhood, to assume those duties, first making her his wife.

It is possible he said nothing to her of the obligations attendant upon the wifely relations, but that made no difference as to results. Ripley was strong as an ox, and, a hard worker himself, he had no use for lazy people and no excuses for those who were weaker than himself.

As time passed little Henryers, one, two, three, five in all, came into the family fold, each one adding to the wife's cares, and meantime Ripley added to his acres.

The number of hired men increased, but in all the years it never occurred to him that the mother of his children might need help in her department. Hired girls were "scarce and awful high," as he put it when one of the neighbors reminded him of his remissness.

Hetty bore her yoke in silence and might have been contented even but for the man's utter lack of sentiment or affection. She had never felt the gentle pressure of his hand in soft caress, and he had never kissed her in his life. She grew old fast, faded and drooped, and finally even the stolid, sordid husband saw the necessity of calling in a doctor.

When the latter was leaving the house, he called Ripley aside and said:

"Suppose you show your wife a little kindness. I think a bit of affection will do her more good than medicine. She's in a bad way and may die."

The selfish fellow was frightened at the prospect of losing his cook and faithful housekeeper, and after some deliberation he entered her bedchamber and awkwardly approached her side, then stooped over and kissed her pale, cold brow.

The poor woman, who for 25 years had been dying for sympathy and love, was so startled at this exhibition of feeling on the part of her husband that tears of thankfulness gathered in her eyes and then rolled down her cheeks.

The lubberly fellow started back at sight of this evidence of weakness and blurted out:

"Gosh! Hetty, you needn't mind it. I didn't mean nothing by it. Doc, he said it mebbe'd make you feel better."

Then the tears dried quickly enough, and the woman turned her pallid face toward the wall.

When Ripley came back an hour later, all the kisses in the world could not have brought moisture to her eyes. The office of cook and laundress was vacant in his house. — Chicago Tribune.

Kiss Nothing But A Thrill

1916

Expert Says You Get the Same Sensation Stroking a Cat.

NEW YORK, Sept. 14.—Love is only a chemical reaction; you can get the same sensation by stroking a cat.

Dr. A. A. Lindsay, expert psycopathist, passes this tip out.

"There is nothing in this so-called love; that is, really nothing but the thrill of physical contact, as for instance, in kissing," Dr. Lindsay said.

"After you have kissed the same girl many times the thrill goes out."

—The Saturday Blade, Chicago, Sept. 16, 1916, p. 3.

Will Not Kiss Their Wives

1901

Thirteen Married Men of Mount Hope, Kansas, Form an Organization.

Thirteen men of Mount Hope, a small town near Wichita, Kan., are adherents of the belief that men should not kiss women, says the Chicago Record-Herald. All of the 13 are married, and they have just formed a club known as the Mount Hope Married Man's Anti-kissing club.

All the members are quite prominent in business circles of that place, and the organization of the club was kept under cover for three weeks, but the secret finally leaked out, In a statement to reporters President Wilson said:

"All this talk about our wives going to sue us for divorce because we have pledged not to kiss them is rot of the worst kind. We went into this with the understanding that it was to be carried out as an experiment, and we will stick to it if the women uphold us in it. Of course, every member has taken a pledge not to kiss his wife for one year, but there is a proviso that if we all get tired of the proposition we can disorganize the club and no one will have broken a pledge.

"I have been into it now three weeks and am perfectly satisfied with the arrangement, as is my wife. I find that kissing is a filthy habit and without it man can love a great deal more strongly."

Messengers That Hurry

1910

"Messenger boys who have had experience in the Wall Street district are asked for so frequently that it looks as if we will soon be obliged to insist upon that as a qualification for our boys," said the manager of an up-town messenger agency.

"Customers claim that boys with a Wall Street training execute errands much more expeditiously than the common variety of messenger. I am inclined to think that they are right. Nobody is allowed to loiter down there and even after the boys go away the habit of hurrying sticks for a little while." — New York Times.


Waste of Time

"A girl called up yesterday over the telephone and asked what a kiss was."
"Just so. And what did the sporting editor say?"
"He told her he couldn't show her over the telephone."

The Kissing Cashier of Paris

1905

Ideas That Draw Custom

Proprietors of European Cafes Show Enterprise

In many of the European cafes of the cheaper order it is the invariable custom to print the daily menu on the napkin provided for the guest, so that when the latter desires to study the bill of fare he has to raise his serviette from his knee in order to do so.

But perhaps the most extraordinary custom in connection with restaurant life is that which obtains in a certain little cafe in the suburbs of Paris, where every customer whose bill amounts to 25 cents or over is entitled to receive a kiss from the very attractive young lady who acts as cashier to the establishment.

So used has the damsel become to the osculatory routine that she goes through it without the slightest reticence, looking upon it purely as a matter of business, and it is reported that the proprietor of the restaurant is more than satisfied with the result of his curious device for attracting patrons.

Another enterprising restauranteur has instituted the practice of making a present of a box of Havana cigars every New Year's day to those patrons who have been pretty regular in their attendance at his establishment during the preceding year.

Ah-h-h! Two-Hour "Soul" Kiss

1915

"Her Lips Met Mine and I Couldn't Get Away," Says Rich Lawyer

NEW YORK, Dec. 16. — "Soul kisses" that lasted for more than two hours were described by Everett P. Ketchum before Supreme Court Justice Blanchard in testifying in the suit for separation brought against him by Mrs. Ada Brown Ketchum on the ground of cruelty.

Ketchum told how, when he was first introduced to his wife, she was described to him as "a girl who had never been kissed before in her life."

"She said," he testified, "that a kiss was such a sacred thing that she had saved it all her life for the man whom she was going to marry. I thought it a very beautiful idea."

Ketchum said he proposed exactly five days after they had been first introduced.

"Tell us about that first kiss she gave you, Mr. Ketchum," said Mr. Levy of Mr. Ketchum's counsel.

"Well," said the witness, "it was like this. We were seated on the sofa in the parlor. She put her arms around my neck and drew me to her and said: 'Everett, darling, this is what they call a soul kiss. This is because of my extraordinary love for you. I never knew before that a kiss lasted so long. I don't know how the ability to kiss came to me, but—'

"She leaned into my arms. Her lips met mine. She grabbed me. I tried to take my head away because I could not breathe, but—"

"How long did that kiss last?" asked Mr. Levy.

"Two hours," was the reply. "I could not get away."

Perpetual Motion Machine

1909

Runs Perfectly Without Any Aid, Declares Pennsylvania Inventor

UNIONTOWN, Pa., Oct. 6. — After labor of years Allen S. Snyder believes he has solved the problem of perpetual motion.

He has a model which he declares proves that his principle is right. It runs by force of gravity, and besides being able to put out perpetual motion toys at 50 cents each, he declares that a machine capable of giving 100 horse power is possible under his plans.

He has been working and studying for fifteen years, and has now given up his work here and retired to a farm at Mosley Junction, eighteen miles from Richmond, Va., where he can give more time to the work of building a larger model and overcoming the imperfections that are manifested in the one now completed. He expects to put his completed machine before the public within a year, but at this time he refuses to give out the details of his apparatus.

Snyder is 39 years of age and for many years was a successful school teacher in Dunbar Township, this county. In 1902 he took the mine foreman's examination and has since served as mine foreman and fire boss at various plants throughout the coke region, including the Fairchance plant of the H. C. Frick Coke Company, and the Revere plant of the W. J. Rainey Company.

Before leaving for Mosley Junction Mr. Snyder said: "I will throw my model before the public within a year and it will demonstrate the reality of perpetual motion. My model may admit of many improvements, and it will likely open a wide field for the inventive mind: The machine simply runs by force of gravity."


Kissing Ban Lifted

Baltimore announces that the ban on kissing in the city parks has been lifted. The suffragette movement should "go big" in Baltimore.

Loud Kisser Charged In Court

1896

A young woman was brought before Judge Steers, of Flatbush, N.Y., on the charge of kissing her husband in public, and so loud as to constitute a breach of the peace. The Judge decided that a woman had a right to kiss her husband out loud, and wherever she chose, and put the complainant under a peace bond.


Trivia

Michigan papers are telling, with apparent sincerity, of a parsnip eight feet and two inches in length recently pulled at Union City, and a radish grown at Schoolcraft that measures twenty-three inches in circumference.

While hunting a few days ago Oat Darby, of Adams, Ind., lost the sight of his left eye by a peculiar accident. He fired at a rabbit, and one of the shot rebounded, and struck him in the eye, instantly destroying the sight.

A mouse nibbled through the insulated covering of an electrical light supply wire in a tomato factory in Salem, N. J., and a fire resulted which stewed 8000 gallons of skinned tomatoes. These were given away to the poor people of the town.

Elephants frequently live 120 years.

A lioness and two leopards escaped from a circus in Marion County, Ohio.

Mahlon A. Sellers, postmaster at Windsor Castle, Penn., has held his appointment fifty years.

The page of honor to Mary Tudor, John Jervis by name, was one of the tiniest dwarfs of his day.

Murphy has been given up as an Anglicized corruption of his name by an Irish clergymen, who has taken up again the true form, O'Morchoe.

New York Man Never Kissed

1910

Handsome Easterner Makes Blushing Admission — Likes Girls

New York. — Can a man live 40 years in New York, with all its pretty girls, without kissing or being kissed? Here is one man who says he can. He points to his own case as an instance, and the other day he told why. Olin W. Hill, secretary of the Carnegie Safe Deposit company, is the man. He is over forty, handsome, well groomed, and bears all the outward marks of a man-about-town.

But Mr. Hill has at last fallen a victim to Cupid's darts, and he blushingly admitted his engagement to Miss Martha Brown, daughter of Mrs. Slater Brown of Seattle.

"The young woman is now in New York purchasing her trousseau," Mr. Hill said, "and she expects her mother here shortly.

"Until now I have never been in love with any woman, have never kissed a woman, or even thought of proposing. I had intended to keep my engagement secret until Miss Brown's mother arrived, and then let her make the announcement, but the false reports that I was to marry a stenographer named Miss Brown in the employ of the Carnegie Trust company had to be corrected."

Mr. Hill admitted that he liked the girls well enough, but said that he believed that no man had a right to kiss one until after marriage.

Brutality Better Than Ardent Love, Asserts Wife

1920

Smothered by Kisses

SAN FRANCISCO, Cal. — How much should you love your wife?

This is the absorbing question brought up here by the divorce action of Mrs. Leigh M. Stewart, who sues her husband, Commander Stewart, because he loved her too much.

The divorce courts are cluttered with actions because "love has died." Now there comes the reverse — the newer and absorbing question for a judge to determine: Just how much should a man love his wife?

A modern cave man was Commander Stewart, according to his wife. A cave man with gentle human kindness, but overpowering in his love.

"His love for me was so overpowering, so terrible in its intensity, that it killed my own love for him. As I look back over the period of five years of our married life something tells me if he had loved me less I could have loved him more.

"He was never satisfied unless he had me in his arms, kissing me. He never seemed to be able to caress me enough.

"Then we married. It is easily imagined how he won me by this love, but later, incessant as it became, it tired me. I was never free from the very awfulness of his love.

"Life became hateful. Can you imagine sitting at a breakfast table with a man who wouldn't permit you to eat because of the time it took from kissing? At luncheon he would have thought up a new love poem, the kind he always returned with from a sea voyage, and I would have to listen to it. Then at dinner it was more kissing, kisses, kisses, kisses.

"Not so very long ago I tired so utterly of his kisses that I asked him to leave me alone for a moment. He flew into a rage and choked me. I thought then that he was going to kill me, and I can nearer at that moment to loving him than in any of the long years of our married life.

"His caresses were so tiring that brutality was welcome."

Took Ghost's Word for It

Took Ghost's Word for It

1914

New York Woman Declares Father's Spirit Told Her That Friend Had Purloined Ring

Through the proxy of Mrs. Ida Shapiero of Brooklyn, the ghost of her father appeared as a witness before Magistrate Miller in the New Jersey Avenue police court of that borough, alleging that Mrs. Clara Steiner, who occupies an apartment on the same floor with Mrs. Shapiero, had stolen a $150 ring belonging to her.

Mrs. Shapiero charged that Mrs. Steiner had visited her on July 3 and was upward of an hour in her bedoom, which Mrs. Shapiero had occasion to leave once or twice. In a drawer of the dresser reposed the ring. On July 4, when Mrs. Shapiero missed her ring she went looking for Mrs. Steiner, and learned she had gone to Paterson, N. J.

"But sure as I am here, your honor," said Mrs. Shapiero, "the figure of my departed father appeared to me. I could see him as plainly as you yourself sitting before me. He spoke slowly. He said: 'Mrs. Steiner has your ring. She took it from a drawer in your dressing table. Take her into court and recover your property.' "

Whether Magistrate Miller pinned faith in the evidence of the astral father of Mrs. Shapiero or was unsatisfied with the answers made by Mrs. Steiner, who, among other things, declared most earnestly she did not steal the ring, does not appear as a matter of record, but he held her in $500 bail for the grand jury.


Mayor's Pleasant Duty

A pretty ceremony took place at Newcastle, England, recently, when the customs of "Barge Day" were observed, and the mayor and corporation sailed up the river to "claim the soil" of the Tyne. The great moment of the ceremony is the landing, when the mayor has the delightful, if invidious, privilege of selecting any young lady he pleases from the assembled crowd and giving her a kiss and a sovereign. The sheriffs also choose a fair lady on whom to bestow a kiss and a gift, and the mayoress is expected to make some useful present to the damsel kissed by his worship.

Truth Plays False as Divine Healer

1901

Offers Kisses for the Fair Sex

Denver's Divine Healer Rakes in Coin by Practice Until Gathered in by Authorities

Denver, Col., July 23 — Francis Truth, alias William A. Bennis, was arrested here on complaint of Edith Sampson, who charges him with obtaining money by false pretenses and with practicing medicine without a license.

Truth poses as a divine healer, advertised extensively, and offers treatment free, but those who fail to make a "free will offering" have to wait all day. Part of his treatment is to hug and kiss good looking young women who apply for treatment. Two offer to testify that he kissed them. He requires his patients to take his treatment with their eyes shut.

Truth was imprisoned in the Massachusetts penitentiary according to Mrs. Stewell, who handles the crowds which throng his house in fashionable Capital hill. Several indictments for using the mails to defraud were found against Truth last year in Boston. He pleaded guilty to five and was fined $500 on each. The other two were suspended.


1913

How Cowards Were Punished

Many of the devices by which military indifference to life has been matured and sustained are curious.

In ancient Athens the public temples were closed to those who refused military service, who deserted their ranks or lost their bucklers, while a law constrained such offenders to sit for three days in the public forum dressed in the garments of a woman.

Many a Spartan mother would stab her son who came back alive from a defeat, and such a man, if he escaped his mother, was debarred not only from public offices, but from marriage, exposed to the blows of all who chose to strike him, compelled to dress in mean clothing and to wear his beard negligently trimmed. In the same way a horse soldier who fled or lost his shield or received a wound in any save the front part of the body was by law prevented from ever afterward appearing in public.

Six Kisses Are His Limit

1908

Too Much "Lovey Dovey" Business Drove Away a Husband

Chicago, March 10. — Six kisses a day are the limit for Ora M. Leedon. He promised detectives who arrested him for deserting his affectionate wife that he would live with her on that basis. They found him in Springfield, Ill., where he went seven weeks ago.

"It's a case of too much 'lovey dovey' business," said Leedon on the way back from Springfield. "My wife — she was married once or twice before — is a good woman and a fine housekeeper, but she's too strong on the love business to suit me.

"Now, I'm not a chilly guy or anything like that, but I don't want a woman kissing me all the time. When I come home from work in the evening I like to sit down and read the paper. My wife would want me to hold hands with her and say foolish things.

"The only fault I had to find with Annie was her loving nature. I'll agree to go back and live with her if she'll only cut the kissing business out. I don't mind a little kiss now and then, but I draw the line at more than six a day."

An Editor Who Loves Babies

1877

We love babies, and also anybody else who loves babies. No man has music in hiss soul who doesn't love babies. Babies were made to be loved, especially girl babies — when they grow up.

A man isn't worth "shucks" who doesn't love babies, and the same rule applies to a woman. A baby is a spring day in winter, a hot-house in summer, a ray of sunshine in a dark day; and if it is a healthy, good-natured baby, and if it's yours, it's a bushel of sunshine, no matter how cold the weather.

A man cannot be a hopeless case as long as he loves babies — one at a time. We love babies all over, no matter how dirty they are. Babies were born to be dirty. Our love for babies is only bounded by the number of babies in the world.

We also have sorrowful feelings for mothers who have no babies. Women always look down-hearted who have no babies; and men who have none always grumble, and drink, and stay out nights, trying to get music into their souls; but they can't come by it. Babies are babies, and nothing can take their place. — Atchison Patriot.


Oops

"No," said the smart boy-baby, when the pretty young woman wanted to kiss him. "But why not?" asked she. "O, I am too little to kiss you; papa will kiss you, papa kisses all the big girls." He was permitted to play with his toys.


Somebody, Meet Nobody

Nobody likes to be nobody; but everybody is pleased to think himself somebody. And everybody is somebody; but when anybody thinks himself somebody, he generally thinks everybody else is nobody.

Bites Wife's Cheek as Finish of Kiss

1920

Pulling Cave Man Stuff Lands Hubby in Workhouse

NEW YORK, N. Y. -- Cave man methods of kissing one's wife is no way for a modern husband to show conjugal affection, according to Magistrate Douras of the Essex Market Court. Saderio Anselino, 45, wa arrested on a warrant issued on the complaint of his wife, Nellie, who charged that Saderio had bitten a piece out of her cheek.

"What do you mean by biting your wife's cheek?" demanded Magistrate Douras of the defendant. "Do you think you are a cave man?"

"I love my wife," the defendant said, "and was only trying to kiss her."

"Thirty days in the workhouse," answered the magistrate.

--The Saturday Blade, Chicago, March 27, 1920, page 9.

They Kiss in 1862 and Marry in 1920

1920

LEXINGTON, Ky., March 25. -- A romance which began in 1862 culminated in the marriage of Edward F. Haley, a Confederate veteran, and Mrs. Joseph Bales, a wealthy widow, who says she is a third cousin of President Wilson.

Fifty-eight years ago Haley kissed his cousin, Mattie Maupin, then a 7-year-old girl, and marched away to war. The girl often wondered what had become of "Cousin Ed," who did not return.

Recently there was a knock at her door and she was greeted by an old man who said he was E. F. Haley, now 74 years old.

He proposed marriage. Mrs. Bales at first was reluctant, but when Haley returned with a license with both names inscribed on it, she agreed to marry.

--The Saturday Blade, Chicago, March 27, 1920, page 1.

For Sanitary Reasons, No More Kissing

1915--

Substitute That Only The Flabby Will Accept

Health experts are advocating the substitution of a tap on the cheek with the palm of the hand for the kiss. But no red-blooded person would be content with such a substitute, sanitary though it may be. -- Long Beach Press.

--Woodland Daily Democrat, Woodland, California, July 2, 1915.

Comment: The headline with the article doesn't make a bit of sense to me.

Kissing His Sister

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Only Sensible Course
A Chicago man has been arrested for kissing his sister. This ought to convince a good many men that the only sensible course is to kiss some other fellow's sister.
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Such Is Fame
A story is told of the Englishman who was presented to Mrs. Ole Bull and said, "I have heard of your husband's adventures in the 'Far West.'" He was thinking of Sitting Bull.
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The Child and the Telephone
A child should be taught as early as possible to call at least one telephone number, a neighbor, father's place of business, or physician. I taught our little boy, who is just three, to call a neighbor's number, and twice have found it useful, once when taken very ill, and again having burned my arm badly.he was able to call and receive immediate assistance. -- Harper's Bazar.
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Wild Justice
Revenge is a kind of wild justice which the more a man's nature runs to the more ought law to weed it out. -- Bacon.
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There Kinds of Friends
We have three kinds of friends: Those who love us, those who are indifferent to us, and those who hate us. -- Chamfort.
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Prometheus Outdone
Prometheus had just stolen the fire from heaven. "That's nothing; can you light a last match?" we cried. Thus he realized his feat was little.

--The Ellis Review-Headlight, Ellis, Kansas, 1911.

No Kissing, Please

A woman in Pennsylvania buried the wrong man in mistake for her husband, but, when the latter turned up alive and well, stuck to the dead man. She wisely declined to have a live issue made of her mistake.
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A New Jersey magistrate has a rabbit's foot on whose powers he sets great store. To be consistent, he ought to hold his court at midnight in a graveyard and so have all the proper influences in the caste at work.
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A Harvard professor tells us that we can live on ten cents' worth of food a day, but it is evident that he has overlooked the fact that lobster costs 80 cents a pound. Possibly he expects us to take a look at the outside of a lobster can for dessert.
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A man in St. Louis signed a contract with his wife by which he agreed not to kiss or annoy her in any other way. He must have been an excessively agreeable sort of a husband if it was necessary to exact this contract. Evidently, this particular wife did not agree with Shakespeare that kisses are women's wages. Perhaps, though, she disliked them because she got no other.

--The Ellis Review-Headlight, Ellis, Kansas, 1911.