Grave Yards Not Wanted

New York, 1895

Respecting Farmer John O'Donnell's suggestion that the Long Island railroad company establish cemeteries in the "wild lands" of Suffolk county, the Greenport Watchman has this to say:

"Thanks; the 'wild lands' of Suffolk invite settlement and would welcome colonies, but not by any underground route. Two plantations of live lunatics are enough for the present; moreover the Long Island railroad makes more than sufficient money out of Suffolk county residents in the flesh without picking the bones of the dead. Really we hope our philanthropic neighbors over the border will not insist on forcing their benevolence upon us in this sort of collateral inheritance style."

—The Long Island Farmer, Jamaica, NY, Feb. 1, 1895, p. 12.

Entertaining The Mexicans

1916

Well, the parleyfoxes have had their pictures taken and will be seen in the movies. Nineteen American guns have been fired in salute of honor to three representatives of a Mexican "first chief," whatever that is. This, apparently, is by way of indicating what Mexico should have done for us in a former notable case. The joint commissioners for the retreat parley have displayed their credentials, such as they are. Also, there have been pink tea and wafers aboard the Federal yacht Mayflower, with felicitations all around. The parleyfoxtrot may be said to be under way, to that soft, hesitation music.

Incidentally, so we are told in the dispatches, it is the purpose of the American "commissioners," three extra-legal personal representatives of the President of the United States, to attempt to induce the Mexican "commissioners," three personal representatives of Carranza, a factional "first chief" in Mexico, to consider "American rights" in Mexico along with the Mexican demand for the withdrawal of United States troops from Mexican territory. We progress.

It is decidedly refreshing to hear that American rights may possibly be discussed over the iced drinks in the course of the "confab" at Portsmouth. Even tho the American commissioners are unauthorized and outside the law; even tho the Mexican commissioners can give no assurance that their adjustment plans can he enforced in Mexico, we may be pardoned if we show some little interest in the indirect suggestion that American rights may get honorable mention at the honorable parley. — Indiana Daily Times.

—The Saturday Blade, Chicago, Sept. 16, 1916, p. 6.

Head Waiters

1917

A head waiter must always be able to tell at a glance how much money you are going to spend so that he will be able to sneer at you accordingly. When a restaurant proprietor hires a new head waiter he expects to be greatly humiliated. To make a favorable impression the head waiter mast be able to give the proprietor a look that will make him feel pretty cheap. Before the interview is over the proprietor is showing the head waiter his family portrait album.

The head waiters in the magazines and movies could never hold real jobs because they have been seen to smile and bow. If a real head waiter ever smiled at a customer he would break out with a rash, and if he ever bowed it would cause internal injuries.

There may come a day when a head waiter's bows and smiles may be had at moderate prices. At present, however, they are within the reach of few. - Brooklyn Eagle.

The Garden of Eden

1911

Joking Around with the News

Now we are told that the Garden of Eden was located at the North Pole. Possibly we shall learn also that Adam and Eve were Eskimos and ate of the forbidden blubber instead of the forbidden fruit.

A Boston young woman has been visiting dentists' offices and stealing money and other valuables from the wraps of the patients in the torture chamber. Here's another excuse for not going to the dentist when you ought to.

The New York doctor who asserts that overripe eggs are as nutritious as the fresh kind will not meet with violent objections if he tries to get a monopoly of eating the ancient vintage.

The hobble skirt and high trolley car steps have clashed in Trenton. The steps may have the logic of the situation, but the hobble skirt has the eternal feminine end of the discussion, and all human experience is a unit on what happens when logic attempts to tackle the eternal feminine.

One of the worst things under the sun is a shady reputation.

The following testimonial was given to a servant girl: "This is to certify that the bearer has been in my service one year less 11 months. During this time I found her to be diligent at the back door, temperate at her work, prompt at excuses, amiable toward young men, faithful to her sweethearts, and honest when everything was safe under lock and key."

Overworked Brewery Employees

1886

To the ordinary tramp, who has to obtain his supply of beer by pouring stale stuff from beer kegs in front of saloons into empty tomato cans, from which he quaffs, and runs chances of having the ragged tin cut a hair lip for him, it would seem that the brewery employees, who are allowed unlimited beer free of cost, have a soft thing.

And yet those men, who can drink beer all day without being compelled to put up the regulation nickel, struck for less hours of work and higher wages. To read the accounts in the papers of the amount of beer the workmen about a brewery drink during the day, the reader does not wonder that the men are overworked and asked a reduction of hours.

It is said that some of the men drink forty glasses of beer per day. Considering that they have to walk nearly a block to the extreme end of the brewery yard, where a gentlemanly agent of the brewing company waits upon them without price, it will be seen that considerable valuable time is lost, besides the wear and tear on the men. Of course the brewery employees are able-bodied men, or they could not stand the strain.

Forty glasses of beer put into a stomach in ten hours would seem to be hard enough work for any one man, if he did nothing else. Then the necessity of walking forty blocks and returning to work, makes eighty blocks per day of pedestrian exercise. This of itself is enough to make an ordinary man tired, if he did not have to carry in his overworked stomach forty glasses of beer.

From the statistics it is plain that the brewery laborers are the most overworked of any class of citizens, and something should be done for them. It may be outside the province of the humane society to step in and protect those men, but certainly there should be some organization that can stand between those men and overwork. What is the matter with the temperance societies, in taking hold of this grievance? If the temperance societies are true to their motto, of "Faith, Hope and Charity," they will see a chance to do a great work.

Let each society detail enough of its members to man a brewery, and do all the work. This would leave the regular employees with nothing to do but walk back and forth between the places where the temperance apostles are at work, and the place where the beer is given away. The temperance people could work for nothing, for Charity; they could have Faith that the regular brewery men would draw their salary all right; and Hope they would have a good time.

If the temperance people kick on this idea, it is possible the brewers might employ temperance men to make the beer and do the work, discharge the old employees who strike, and thus save oceans of beer. But if it is impracticable to employ temperance people, and the brewers feel that things must go right along as before, they can save at least the time that the men lose in marching on the beer keg forty times a day, and save the wear and tear on the men, by a simple device which The Sun will suggest.

Each man could be provided with a coil of hose, the small rubber hose such as is used on infants' nursing bottles. A reel could be fixed on the back of each laborer, containing enough of the small rubber pipe to reach from a central tank of beer to any part of the brewery, with a spring, so that when the pipe is uncoiled, and the laborer returns toward the tank, the slack will be taken up on the reel. A nozzle could be arranged near the mouth of the overworked laborer, so that he could take his sustenance at any moment, wherever he happened to be.

Of course a hundred men with hose reels on their backs would look odd at first, but the oddity would soon wear off. Some may think that the employees of a brewery should pay for their beer, the same as bakers pay for the bread in a bakery where they work, shoemakers pay for their shoes, and journeymen tailors pay for their clothes, but this would be plainly a violation of the constitution of the United States. The strike of the brewery laborers has shown that they are the beat treated of any class of laborers in the country. The only thing the public wonders at is that the brewing companies have not been compelled by their employees to give them a house and lot and horse and buggy each. — Peck's Sun.