Old Jokes - A Stoic and a Cynic

"Can any little boy or girl tell me," said the teacher, "what is the difference between a stoic and a cynic?"
The class was silent. Finally a hand was raised tremulously. "Well?" inquired the teacher.
The reply came hesitatingly: "A stoic is what brings babies, and a cynic is-- is-- where you wash the dishes."

--1920s or 1930s

ORAL TEST

TEACHER: Take four out of five and what do you have, Tommy?
TOMMY: Pyorrhea, ma'am.

I don't get it.

NOTHING COULD BE PLAINER
BUTLER: A lady wishes to speak to you on the 'phone, sir.
YOUNG LORDLING: How do you know she is a lady?
"She said, 'Is that you, old pickled onion?' when I answered, sir!"

Hmm, that one's lost on me, too.

Teacher: "Tommy, what is a relief map?"
Tommy: "A woman who has just had her face lifted!" -- America's Humor

Not clear to me. So I'll finish it off with another one I don't get:

ICHABOD
With uplifted eyes he once admired
Milady's golden tresses.
Now with down-cast eyes he is inspired
By silk 'neath shrunken dresses. -- S.P.C., Caballo, N. Mex.

THAT'S PEP

Vigor, vitality, vim and punch --
That's pep!
The courage to act on a sudden hunch,
That's pep!
The nerve to tackle the hardest thing,
With feet that climb, and hands that cling,
And a heart that never forgets to sing --
That's pep!

Sand and grit in a concrete base --
That's pep!
Friendly smile on an honest face --
That's pep!
The spirit that helps when another's down,
That knows how to scatter the blackest frown,
That loves its neighbor and loves its town,
That's pep!

To say "I will" -- for you know you can --
That's pep!
To look for the best in every man --
That's pep!
To meet each thundering knockout blow,
To back with a laugh, because you know,
You'll get the best of the whole darned show--
That's pep!

HER OWN MEDICINE

Mary: "Going out to the drug-store, dad?"
Dad: "Yes, Why?"
Mary: "Bring me back a couple of pills with you?"
Dad: "What's the matter with those that have been calling on you?" -- America's Humor.

FLAPPER FLIPPANCY
One-half of me would be a saint,
The other half a sinner;
And I will utter no complaint,
Whichever part's the winner.

FLAPPER: I'd like a pair of garters, please.
MALE CLERK: Yes, miss. Something like the ones you have on?

WONDERFUL
CUSTOMER: What is this device?
AUTO DEMONSTRATOR: That shuts off the spark.
CUSTOMER: And what is this thing for?
AUTO DEMONSTRATOR: That shuts off the gas. And this other little device is the best feature of all.
CUSTOMER: What does it do?
AUTO DEMONSTRATOR: It shuts off the conversation on the back seat.

STORK WAS JUST TEASING
Mr. and Mrs. Raymond Poquette, of Chicago, were expecting a visit from the stork. Poquette wanted a son, his wife preferred a daughter. When at last the stork arrived the anxious father was informed he had a brand new daughter. Almost before he could get over the shock the nurse told him of the arrival of a second daughter. When a few minutes later the nurse again approached Poquette he braced himself for another shock. This time he was told he had a charming boy. Then the father cheered up; at last he had got his wish.

CAUGHT
YOUNG WIFE (to her friend): Just think what a painful position I am in. While I was fainting because my husband would not buy me a new hat I saw him kiss the maid -- and I can't say anything about it because I was supposed to be unconscious!