Borrow Where They Ought to Buy

1895

The proprietor of a hardware store has found it necessary to display conspicuously over his counter the following sign: "Our business is to sell tools, not to loan them."

"Did you actually find it necessary to hang up that notice?" I asked him.

"Of course I did," he replied. "Hardly a day passes that I don't have somebody running in here and asking me to lend him a hammer, a saw or a chisel. It's one of the freaks of human nature, and I can't account for it. Persons who would not think of going into a hatshop to borrow a hat or to a furnishing store to borrow a shirt seem to think it's the most natural thing in the world to come in here and ask me to lend them a hammer." — New York Herald.

What Rattled Him

1895

Detroit has among its possessions a young man around town whose reputation as a borrower who never pays back was supposed to be known to everybody. The other evening he was playing at billiards.

"By George," exclaimed the friend who was paying for the game after they had played some time, "you can't play a little bit tonight. What's the matter with you? You must be rattled."

"I am," was the reply, almost gasped out.

The other party was frightened. "What's happened?" he asked nervously.

"Why, just before we began playing I struck an acquaintance on the street for $10, and he let me have it without a word." — Detroit Free Press.


Why He Didn't Fall

A number of boys in Scotland were being rehearsed for an amateur performance, and the boy who was to impersonate the hero was told to fall on the floor at the right moment. But when the crisis was reached on the examination day he did not fall. The verse was repeated, but still he remained upright. Being accordingly asked his reason, he replied, "My mithor said I wasna to fa', for I've got on my Sunday claes." — New York Tribune.

Funnygraphs — "He Fell Unconscientious"

1900

McAisy — I do be seein' that Misther Hardin' has quit findin' out things. O'Deer — But whin did he ever begin?

It was the colored pugilist who said: "It on'y lasted one roun'. I landed on he chin and he fell unconscientious."

"What's the difference between wrath and a woman who wants you to subscribe for something?" "I dunno." "A soft answer turneth away wrath."

"Would you call a cat herbivorous, carnivorous or ominvorous?" asked the man who is learned, but tedious. "Neither," answered the man who yawns; "merely vociferous."

"You've got your linen suit on a trifle early, Hopkins," "Yes; but my folks are interested in a rummage sale; and when I carry my clothes around with me I know where they are."

A man smoking a cigarette boarded a Union traction car, and a woman handed him an anti-cigarette tract. "Thank you, ma'am," said he. "I'll take it home to my son." — Muncie Star.

He — A live donkey, you know, is better than a dead lion. She — Yes. He — Why are you looking around in that way? She — I'm looking for the dead lion that made the comparison pop into your mind.

Thompson — Jones was around early this morning to borrow my snow shovel. Robinson — Great Scott! What does he want with it this time of the year? Thompson — He doesn't want to use it now. Brown borrowed it last fall, and Jones didn't get a shot at it the whole winter, and he is determined Brown should not get ahead of him this year.