ORAL TEST

TEACHER: Take four out of five and what do you have, Tommy?
TOMMY: Pyorrhea, ma'am.

I don't get it.

NOTHING COULD BE PLAINER
BUTLER: A lady wishes to speak to you on the 'phone, sir.
YOUNG LORDLING: How do you know she is a lady?
"She said, 'Is that you, old pickled onion?' when I answered, sir!"

Hmm, that one's lost on me, too.

Teacher: "Tommy, what is a relief map?"
Tommy: "A woman who has just had her face lifted!" -- America's Humor

Not clear to me. So I'll finish it off with another one I don't get:

ICHABOD
With uplifted eyes he once admired
Milady's golden tresses.
Now with down-cast eyes he is inspired
By silk 'neath shrunken dresses. -- S.P.C., Caballo, N. Mex.

EPHEMERA

1) for he does not understand you, as I understand you. My whole life will be devoted to serving you, to making you happy." His cheek caressed her cheek. "Oh, tell me now you love me. Tell me!" His voice

[second "cheek" above was originally "check."]

2) lieves the answer to their problems is her marriage to Leo.
The book is a cleverly penned account of the hopeless state of utter indifference engulfing a boy and girl, so contrary to the general reckless and exotic conduct usually depicted of bored moderns in pursuit of life. The author devotes a great deal of space to a detailed analysis of the m

3) that he was dropped from the roll of the Conference and he was free to do as he pleased. It was in this freedom that he entered the Holston Conference, and in about 1803 he came to Knoxville.
Rev. E. F. Sevier remembered well of seeing and hearing him at the time he preached

4) company with the owner will assure you that Hagler raises the fowl more for the pleasure that he gets out of it than for the profit that he receives from the eggs and fowl that he sells. Besides, he will tell you:
"I teach school for a living."
Hagler teaches agriculture at

5) Dreamland Farm their home.
There are a couple of coveys of quail. He hatched them out under a bantam hen. While they are tame enough to stay around in the yard and garden with the chickens and other fowl, they are not so easy to

IN -- AND OUT AGAIN

In one of the last engagements of the war an American sergeant ordered a negro private to go into a dugout and clean out any Germans that happened to be left. The soldier hesitated a moment, swallowed his Adam's apple, and then said huskily: "Eff yo' see three or fo' men come a-runnin' out o' dat hole, don't shoot the fust one!" -- The Humorist.

NOT FAST ENOUGH
SEASIDE LADY: Going home so soon, Mrs. Svensson?
"Yes; I can't rest any longer."
"What is the matter?"
"Whenever I write to my husband for money, he sends it by return mail." -- Vart Hem.

THAT WOULDN'T DO
LAWYER: Now, the first thing to do is prove an alibi. I suppose there is somebody who saw you at seven o'clock -- the time when the crime was committed?
CLIENT: No, thank goodness! -- Van Hem, Stockholm.

NO DANGER
The two actresses were having tea together, and among the topics of conversation that came up was burglary.
"I always feel safe when there's a man in the house," remarked the brunette.
"I don't see why you shouldn't, dear," purred the blonde. -- Moustique, Charleroi.

THE BIG REASON

"Why, Harold, your hair is ever so much thinner than it was when I first met you."
"I know that, my dear. But, honestly, now, I'm sure there are other reasons." -- The Humorist.

AFTER THE AWAKENING
"Have you heard about Betty? Jim proposed to her in his car."
"How really romantic! And she accepted, of course?"
"Yes, in the hospital." -- Answers.

THE FOWL ESCAPED
LANDLADY: I'm sorry you do not think the chicken soup is good, sir. I told the cook how to make it, but perhaps she did not catch the idea.
BOARDER: No, I think it was the chicken she didn't catch. -- Answers.

ONE OR THE OTHER
SMITH: It must be nice to own a car.
MILLER: I know it ought to be, but I've never enjoyed it. Either the car is being repaired, or else I am. -- Die Woche im Bild.

ALSO RAN
HUBBY (at the races): Let me back one more horse. I promise you it'll be the last.
WIFE (gloomily): It usually is. -- Karikaturen.

CHAINED

WIFE: Think of it! Where would you be today if it weren't for me?
HUBBY: As far away as possible. -- Ohio Motorist

THE LAST RESORT
"Miss Smith -- er -- Gladys, tell me -- what must I give you to get a kiss from you?"
"Chloroform." -- Pele Mele, Paris.

PRETTY THINGS
CUSTOMER: I don't like the looks of that haddock.
FISH DEALER: Lady, if it's looks you're after, why don't you buy a goldfish? -- The Humorist.

KEPT VERY BUSY
DAUGHTER: Dad, what is your birthstone?
FATHER OF SEVEN: My dear, I'm not quite sure, but I rather think it is a grindstone. -- The Humorist.

READY TO GO
BURGLAR (breaking into house and finding Smith in bed): Lumme! I thought you'd gone on a vacation with the missus and kids.
SMITH: Give me five minutes to pack and I'll go. -- The Humorist.

Comment: According to online dictionary sources, lumme means (lord) love me, an interjection like darn or jeez, expressing surprise. But I don't really get Smith's answer. Maybe it has to do with his fear of the burglar. In "The Last Resort," it touches on being familiar with someone, thinking you have the right to call them by their first name, but in this case being rebuffed.

TRICKED HIM

"Where did you go last night?"
"I went to a slight-of-hand performance. I offered my hand to Doris and she slighted it." -- Answers

Comment: This one is kind of dumb. Because it should be "sleight" of hand, but if you said the joke the pun would be OK.