Tactful Way a Girl May Refuse a Man Proposing Marriage

1908

No girl is likely to need any suggestions as to how to receive a proposal of marriage it she intends to accept the man. But to refuse, kindly and with consideration, sometimes requires tact only possessed by a genius or an experienced woman of the world, because when a man's heart is set upon a girl he is not always willing to take "no" for an answer, or accept the hint that is given which should prevent him from asking the question.

Every one agrees that a girl always knows, even before the man, whether or not he cares for her, and the situation rests largely with her. If she wishes to encourage him there are many ways of accomplishing it, which every daughter of Eve knows instinctively. But to discourage, and not at the same time be rude, is quite another matter. A girl's own kindness of heart, I should say, would aid her in the difficulty, for, unless she is obtuse, she is quick to see when she wounds his feelings, and may salve them without the risk of being called a coquette.

It is a very narrow course to steer, this one between overkindness and brusqueness, and sometimes a girl's considerate manner makes a man hope, even against the doubt he may have. If finally, in spite of her efforts to prevent, he proposes and is refused he occasionally accuses her of unkindness in having flirted with him, even though such has not been the case.

When this happens the girl must merely exercise self-control not to lose her temper and remember that the man is going through real suffering. It is extremely improbable that his future will be blighted because of her refusal, but life is overcast for a time and it does not help him at the moment to know that a hundred years from then nothing will matter. Patience and toleration from a girl at such a time will sometimes result in his becoming a good friend whose companionship she may have for the rest of her life, whereas a quick rejoinder and a general attitude of indifference will make a breach never to be healed.

A girl with tact can often put off an impending refusal so that a man becomes conscious that she does not wish him to speak of marriage and drops it without further hint. She accomplishes this usually by refusing the opportunities for being alone with him, when he might speak of personal matters. She does not accept his invitations to dinner or the theater, and if she is at home when he comes to call takes care that some member of the family shall be present all the time. Her whole attitude toward him is that of friendliness, largely mixed with impersonality, by which is meant that she is reserved, holding herself aloof, and yet is not rude. This is difficult to do.

Should one for whom she does not care insist upon proposing to her she must try to be kind but emphatic in her refusal. There is no greater injustice to a man than to let him think there is hope that she may some time care, when he has the belief simply because she hates to hurt his feelings. If this is the motive that prompts her she will hurt him infinitely worse after a time, for he will have buoyed himself in the interval with false hopes that are hard to let go.

There is much humor but a certain amount of sadness in the "I-will-be-a-sister-to-you" jokes. Nothing could be more tactless than an expression of this sort from a girl when a man is being refused by her. Nothing less than accepting him will bring any joy, and to throw out the unsatisfactory, if well meant, "sister" idea is simply galling. The future intercourse of a man and the girl who has rejected him depends largely upon propinquity and the girl. She need not express kindly intentions, but if they are thrown together afterward she may show friendliness without raising false hopes.

— CARRIE KUTE.