Is It Possible to Get Thoroughly Drunk In This Town?

1920—

Possible, But Not Probable

New Arrival Is Put Wise by Petunia Landlord

"Is it possible for a man to get thoroughly drunk in this town if he is willing to pay the price?" asked an arid arrival.

"Well, yes; I reckon it's possible," replied the landlord of the Petunia tavern. "But it don't hardly seem probably. You see the bootlegger takes you upstairs and down cellar and round and round like the ragged rascal ran round the rugged rock in McGuffey's old Third Reader, and so on and so forth, and then charges you 50 cents for cataracting three drops of diluted licker on your tongue with an eyedropper. Mebby a body could get drunk that way if he was rich enough, but it does seem like an awful waste of time, money and patience."


Generous
"When I was acting in Australia they presented me with a house."
"Nonsense!"
"Yes – a brick at a time!"


No Tax on Zeroes
Knicker – "Yes, sir; that man is one in a thousand."
Bocker – "And I suppose his three sons are the ciphers."



He Demanded Music With Football Game

Players Even Squelched Man With the Paper Horn

To make the event more attractive a brass band had been hired to play during an important football game. A goodly crowd assembled, but the musicians failed to appear.

After watching the game for about half an hour a bucolic looking gentleman, who had been giving vent to frequent snorts of disgust, made his way to the gate and indignantly demanded his money back.

"Never seen a game before today," he explained, "and I never want to see another! Them football players are too jealous for my liking. They don't give the band a chance!"

"But the band isn't here!" said the gatekeeper.

"There's one of 'em came at any rate," came the answer. "That fellow with the paper horn; but as soon as ever he starts to play the football fellows stop playing and threaten to punch his head!"

--The Saturday Blade, Chicago, May 22, 1920, page 9.