A Wonder of Relationship.

1895

In an old scrapbook which contains a number of clippings without date I find the following: "William Harman, who committed suicide at Titusville, Pa., a short time since, did so because some one had convinced him that he was his own grandfather! Here is a copy of the singular letter he left: 'I married a widow who had a grownup daughter. My father visited us often, fell in love with my stepdaughter and married her. Thus he became my son-in-law, and my stepdaughter became my mother, because she was my father's wife. Soon after this my wife gave birth to a son, which, of course, was my father's brother-in-law, and my uncle, for he was the brother of my stepmother. My father's wife also became the mother of a son. He was, of course, my brother, and also my grandchild, for he was the son of my daughter. Accordingly my wife was my grandmother, because she was may mother's mother. I was my wife's husband and grandchild at one and the same time. And, as the husband of a person's grandmother is his grandfather, I was my own grandfather!" Was it any wonder that the poor man rid himself of such tangled relationship? — St. Louis Republic.

An Unfortunate Present

1895

"No; I never see anything of him now," sighed the girl in blue, stirring her chocolate mournfully. "He hasn't been to see me since Christmas, and I don't understand it, for I sent him a lovely present."

"What was it?" asked the girl in gray.

"I'll tell you all about it," said the first girl, with the air of one eager to impart confidences. "You know he writes poetry. He sends the girls he knows sonnets and things. Well, I wanted to give him something literary, you know, as a sort of tribute to his talent, but I didn't want to send him a volume of poetry. It would have seemed to suggest a comparison, you know. I thought a long time, and finally sent him" —

"What?" demanded the girl in green as her friend hesitated.

"A rhyming dictionary! Now can you see why he hasn't called? What are you laughing about?" — New York World.

Taking No Chances

1895

George Harris, the negro who assaulted a young man at Uniontown because the latter had called him an "artist" and "aristocrat," is described as a civil, inoffensive fellow, who would not have committed the act had he been able to find a dictionary to learn the meaning of the words. No such book was handy, however, and Harris did not propose to take any chances and made a vicious attack on the young man with a hatchet. — Louisville Courier-Journal.


A Reflection

Landlady — I'm always forgetting — do you take cream in your coffee, Mr. Spluds?
Mr. Spluds (a pessimistic boarder) — Very seldom in this house, madam. — Detroit Free Press.


Wrangling Therewith

"You want a divorce from your wife, do you?"
"Yes, sir, I do."
"What grounds?"
"Incompatibility. She and the cook are quarreling continually." — Detroit Tribune.


Possibly George Won't Either

She — I brought George to my feet last night.
Her Rival — I always said that lace shoes would never stay tied. — Syracuse Post.


Trivia

The Minnesota river was named by the Indians, from the words, Minni-Sotah, meaning "green water."

The Gas institute of London, for the purpose of improving the methods in gas engineering, was founded in 1863.

A Wearisome Subject

1895

Mrs. Smallwort — Dear, I wish you could let me have a little money to —
Mr. Smallwort — Great heavens! This is too much. I have been hearing nothing at the office and all the way home on the car but the discussion of the money question, and now that I get home here you begin it again. Change the subject, and let me have a little variety. — Cincinnati Tribune.


A Daily Assistant.

Friend — Does your wife assist you any in your work? I often see her at your desk.
Humorist — Y-e-s, she goes over all I write and burns up all my jokes about wives. — New York Weekly.

An Experienced Man

1895

She whirled through the railroad station and went up against the uniformed veteran at the gate of the train shed.
"What time does that train go?" she asked excitedly.
"In half an hour, madam."
"Well, I want to go in and tell some friends goodby."
"Sorry, madam," he sighed, "but I can't let you go in. we can't have the train delayed." — Detroit Free Press.


Indolent Rossini

Rossini was one of the most indolent men that ever lived, yet he wrote operas against time, as it were. "The Barber of Seville," for instance, was written and mounted in less than a month, which fact gave rise to Donizetti's cogent witticism. Upon being told that Rossini had finished his opera in 13 days Donizetti replied: "It is very possible. He is so lazy!"


The Doctor Prescribes

Jimson — Doctor, I am getting too stout for comfort, and I want your advice.
Doctor — Nothing reduces flesh like worry. Spend two hours a day thinking of the unpaid bill you owe me.

High Priced Cigars

1895

The Rothschilds of London are said to smoke the most costly brand of cigars made — the "Grandos de Cuba," made at Havana. They are sent to the millionaire bankers wrapped in gold leaf and packed in inlaid rosewood cabinets. Each cabinet contains 11,000 cigars, and they are ordered in lots of four cabinets, or 44,000 at a time. Each consignment costs the millionaire princes $66,000, or at the rate of $1.50 for each cigar.

The 20,000 Havanas made for Marshal Prim, who presented them to Napoleon III, cost 30,000 francs and were at that time considered the height of extravagant smoking. Each was tipped at both ends with gold leaf and marked in the center with an imperial "N." out from the same material. — St. Louis Republic.


The Boy Knew His Business

A gentleman on the cars was recently offered a novel by Honore de Balzac. "New novel, sir," cried the trainboy. "This is just out. It's by the last new writer of Paris."
The gentleman glanced at the title page. "Did you say that was a new novel?" asked the traveler.
"Yes, sir; just out."
"The man who wrote it has been dead for years."
But the boy was equal to the occasion.
"Pshaw!" said he, "this isn't the old man — it's his son." — Cincinnati Tribune.


An Outrage

"What's the judge going to do now?" asked the green juror in a whisper.
"He's going to charge the jury," said the foreman.
"Charge the jury? Charge us? What for? we don't have to pay nothing for the privilege of sitting on a jury, do we?" — London Tit-Bits.

Could See Very Well

1895

Mother (angrily) — Why didn't you come in when I called you?
Johnny — I'm coming.
"Yes, you're coming now, but I called and called, and you didn't budge till you saw me at the door with a switch in my hand."
"Well, my earsight is sort o' weak today, but my eyesight is all right." — Good News.


Trivia

The first gas meter was patented in 1820 by John Malam, another by Sir William Congreve in 1824, a third by Clegg in 1830, a fourth by Defries in 1838 and many other varieties at subsequent times.

"Oh, Boys, Carry Me 'Long!" was one of Foster's later songs. It was written in 1851 and immediately attained a wide popularity.

Bread in Pompeii cost 1½ cents a loaf. The loaves weighed about six ounces.

In 1901

1895

Mr. Shandy (petulantly, from his pillow) — Ethel, I know I heard a noise. I'm sure there's a woman in the house. I won't sleep a wink unless you go down and see!
Mrs. Shandy (exit, with revolver) — D—n it all, Willie, if you bother me like this again, I'll send you back to your father! — New York Herald.

Note: The point here seems to be that women are asserting themselves more and more and that men are standing by doing nothing about it. It's getting so bad that by 1901 we might humorously picture a complete reversal of gender roles.


The Bengal Grosbeck

The Bengal grosbeck builds a nest shaped like a bottle and always selects for its support a long, lithe limb, overhanging a stream of water. The entrance is beneath, and from the situation and peculiar shape it is absolutely impossible for a snake to gain admission to the nest. One naturalist records seeing 14 attempts on the part of serpents to get at the nest, but the hungry snakes always fell off into the water.

He Settled

1895

"Dere you vas, you driflin buppy!"

A picturesquely attired old German lady, with a broad, ruddy face, marred by a ferocious scowl, had stopped a handsomely dressed young fellow who was just in the act of stepping off the curb at the corner of Fourth and Walnut streets to cross the street.

"Vy you don't bay me dot fife tollar you vas owe me? You dinks I vash — vash for nodings?"

Two young ladies near by were amused listeners, and the young man was visibly embarrassed.

"My good woman, on what grounds do you claim I owe you $5?"

"Vot grounds? Vot — vot" —

In her rage she brought one big foot down heavily on the slushy pavement.

"Vot grounds? Dese grounds right here — Fourdt and Valnut, und I vant my money."

The young man paid her on "the grounds" mentioned. — Cincinnati Tribune.


Smokers' Cramp

A disease has appeared in Europe which has been styled smokers' cramp. It is very similar in its effects to writers' cramp, or scriveners' palsy. The disease is caused by rolling cigarettes with one hand. For many years it has been common to Spain, although some smokers are so expert as to make a cigarette with a single twist of the fingers. Since a law was recently passed in France permitting the manufacture of handmade cigarettes large numbers of girls have been employed in rolling cigarettes by hand.

It is among them that the disease has appeared. In Spain, however, it is not confined to the cigarette girls, but is a common ailment. — Philadelphia Record.

Artificial Mud

1895

We have heard of false teeth, false hair, counterfeit jewelry and imitation diamonds, but artificial mud is a decided novelty. And what is it used for? The large Paris dry goods houses have long used the mud of the Paris streets for testing the wearing qualities of new colors and shades. Any new tint that could not stand the influence of Paris mud was thrown out. But to experiment with mud was unpleasant, unclean, unhealthy! So an imitation of the genuine article was ordered of a chemist, who furnished a solution of carbonate of ammonia, carbonate of potassium, sulphite of soda and sea salt in water, which naturally takes the place of mud in the color tests of new dress goods.

Mud, your name is mud again! — Philadelphia Press.


His Scheme

Friend — How is this? I thought you were to be called as a witness in that trial.
Sharp — I got out of it.
"Eh? Why, I heard both sides were after you."
"I scared them both off."
"Crikey! How!"
"Told 'em that if I was called I would tell the truth." — London Tit-Bits.


Indispensable Feature

"You call this a fair, do you?" said the visitor from Skedunk, looking about him in disgust.
"Certainly," replied the young and pretty maid at one of the booths. "It's a fair — a church fair. Is there anything about it that displeases you?"
"Is there?" snorted the other. "Where's your Midway plaisance?" — Chicago Tribune.

A Home Thrust

1895

Mme. de Stael had fallen out with the Viscount de Choiseul, owing to certain malicious reports circulated by the latter. One day the lady and the viscount met in company, on which occasion good manners required that they should speak to each other. Mme. de Stael commenced, "We have not seen you for a long while, M. de Choiseul."

"Ah! Mme. l'Ambassadrice, I have been ill."

"Seriously, monsieur?"

"I had a narrow escape from being poisoned."

"Alas! Possibly you took a bite at your own tongue."

This little joke fell like a thunderbolt on the viscount, who was a notorious backbiter and mischief maker. The lesson was a severe one, but he richly deserved it and had not a word to say. — Savoir-Faire er Savoir-Vivre.

Answers

1895

Ignorance only is at the root of misunderstandings, such as the reply of a witness in a Midland police court, who, being asked, "Are you an agnostic?" replied, "No, your worship, a shoemaker!" Another witness at a county court was asked lately as he appeared in the box, "Have you sworn?" and replied, "Well, not much, but I have sworn a little this morning," an answer that affected even the gravity of the judge. But this swearer was outdone by an Irishman who had to appear as a witness. "What did you do, Pat?" asked, a friend afterward. "They says, 'Swear!' and I says '——,' and, begorra, they turned me out!" — Cornhill Magazine.


Did Not Forget That

Consulting Physician — Did you take the patient's temperature?
Young Doctor — By Jove! No! I forgot that.
Consulting Physician — What did you take?
Young Doctor — Well, I took my fee. — New York Herald.


Trivia

Biggons were caps much resembling the pointed nightcap seen in comic pictures. They were worn in France in the fifteenth century by gentlemen when walking or traveling.

In Greenland the "candlefish" is used as a lamp. It is about 6 inches long and burns for 15 minutes.

Deceitful

1895

Jagwell — What makes that hen in your back yard cackle so loud?
Wigway — Oh, they've just laid a cornerstone across the street, and she's trying to make the neighbors think she did it. — London Answers.


Trivia

"Wake, Nicodemus," a very popular song during the war, was written by Henry C. Work, the author of "My Grandfather's Clock."

Webster is said to have been able to repeat the most, if not all, of "Paradise Lost."

Needles of bone, very delicately made, have been found in the Swiss lake dwellings.

The Utility of Flattery

1895

"Say," began Raggles as he stopped the man on the street, "you see before you" — "Oh, I know what you're going to say," interrupted the man. "Your wife is sick, your children are starving, your house leaks, and you haven't had anything to eat for 36 hours. You can't get work and" —

"You're on to me, ain't you?" returned Raggles.

"Well, I should say I was!"

"Been round a good deal, ain't you?" "That's what I have!" and he straightened up proudly.

"It's a pretty smart man that works you for a coin. I knowed that when I first seen you. I says to myself that a man with such an intelligent face as you be can't be fooled, but I goes against my better jedment and tries it, and now see what a fool I've made of myself! I humbly axes your pardon!" and Raggles made a humble obeisance.

"Oh, you needn't feel so bad about it!" replied the man. "Here, take this," and he deposited a quarter in Raggles' uncalloused palm and strode on with his head in the air.

"Flattery pays, and it don't cost much,'" said Raggles to himself as he started to find his friend Dusty and tell him to head off the soft and shining mark on the next block. — Indianapolis News.

What's In a Title?

1895

Dibbs (rather shortsighted, overtaking total stranger and slapping him on back from behind) — Hello, old fellow, how are you? So glad to see you again! Who'd have thought of meet —
Stranger — Confound you, sir, how dare you strike me in that blackguardly manner? You ought to be more careful that you've got the right person.
Dibbs — Really, sir, I must apologize, but I took you for the Earl of B—. The likeness is really wond —
Stranger (greatly modified) — Say no more, sir, I entreat. I quite see how the mistake occurred. Magnificent weather, isn't it? Good morning to you, good morning! — London Standard.


In the Line of Duty

"The Scripters," said Deacon Dinguss, "says distinct an plain that the fool an his money is soon parted." "I allow, then," said the grocer, with whom the deacon does not trade, "I allow, then, that when you ketch some pore feller hard up an perseed to git ebeout 30 per cent intrust out of him you think you air jist aidin him to kerry out the Scripteral idea." — Cincinnati Tribune.


Theater

The first use of gas in a place of public amusement was in the Lyceum theater in London in 1803. It was begun as an experiment, and for a time was discontinued because the audience complained of the odor.

Dickens' Slips

1895

Dickens' "Pickwick Papers" has delighted millions of readers during the past half century, but it has apparently remained for a somewhat critical down town reader to detect two or three amusing blunders or inconsistencies that have gone unheeded through hundreds of editions.

For instance, during the rook shooting at Dingley Dell, it is recorded that the immortal Fat Boy "laughed as he retired with the bird." In chapter 45, when that corpulent youth stumbled upon the lovemaking between his young mistress and the poetic Snodgrass and had been bribed into silence with half crowns, one reads, "He burst into a horse laugh for the first and only time in his existence."

Again, when the reader is introduced to the fussy little Mr. Peter Magnus, he is surveying the world through blue spectacles, while at the end of the unfortunate episode of the middle aged lady in curl papers be "dashed off his green spectacles."

These are amusing trifles, but they serve to show that novelists can make mistakes just like ordinary people. — Philadelphia Record.


Think So

The passenger came out of the smoker into the parlor car and sat down by the first man he came to.
"By George," he said, "there's a fellow out there can tell stories that will make your hair stand on end."
"I'll give him $100 if he can," replied the other party.
"Well, he can. You just go out there and listen to him."
"Do you think so?" smiled the other party, removing his hat and showing a head like a billiard ball. — Detroit Free Press.


Japanese Patriotism

Mr. Lafcadio Hearn asked in different classes of his Japan school for written answers to the question, "What is your dearest wish?" Twenty per cent wished to gain glory by dying for the emperor. Others stated a similar wish in less definite language. Patriotism is, in Japan, devotion to the ruler personally rather than to the country.


Eden

Edenton, N C., was named after Charles Eden, a royal governor.

Steel Pens and Writers' Cramp

1895

"These steel pens," said a rugged and ruddy octogenarian, "are an abomination. They give one writers' cramp. Do you know that writers' cramp was never heard of before steel pens were invented? I use a quill at home, and I never feel the cramp when I have a good quill between my fingers."

"It is a little hard to buy quills in New York, isn't it?" asked the listener.

"Buy 'em!" said the octogenarian. "I don't buy 'em. I shoot 'em, wild geese and swan, at my summer home out west, and I always have a good supply of just the right kind. I have a special knife to make my pens. You can get such knives down town." — New York Sun.



No Time to Lose

Mamma — What has become of the bottle of mucilage?
Little Dot — I haven't seen it, but I guess maybe you'd better look in the nursery. The boys is getting up a dime museum, and I heard Johnny tell Ethel she might be the Circassian girl. — Good News.

Heavily Handicapped

1895

A certain old Yankee had been hobnobbing with congenial companions at a favorite little barroom during a blizzard, and the hour was late when he donned his wraps and started for home. His gait was unsteady, and he was scarcely well out of the door before he stumbled and fell on a pile of lumber in such a manner that, with the load of liquor which burdened his powers, he could not get up.

Jonathan Hardbutton — that is his name — succeeded in raising himself to a sitting posture, but could not regain his feet, in spite of every effort. Being at length exhausted, he sat still and waited until he should recover enough strength to extricate himself from his predicament. And while thus waiting his trousers froze stiff and fast to the lumber. Then his trouble increased, but luckily a belated friend passing that way noticed him.

"Say, Jonathan, you old fool," he drawled out, " why don't you git up and go home? What are you sitting there for such a night as this?"

"Well, how be I a-goin to git up," bawled Jonathan, "when all uv the Lord's creation is fruz fast to my pantaloons?" — Utica Observer.

His Prophecy

1895

The Chief Baron Pollock is very fond of telling the following story about himself:

When he left St. Paul's school somewhat unexpectedly and in a way which gave some offense to the high master the latter personage gave it as his opinion that he would live to be hanged.

After a brilliant career at Cambridge Pollock came out senior wrangler and was elected fellow of Trinity. On hearing this his old master said:

"I always foretold that he would fill a very exalted station." — London Standard.


Big For His Age

Uncle Gabe walked around the stalwart football player with an air of critical curiosity. He looked up and down as he would have done a horse he was about to purchase. "Amandy!" "What is it, Gabe?" "He's nigh onto 6 foot, ain't he?" "Every inch of it." "Weigh about 190 odd?" "I reckon." "Well, football certainly does develop 'em most powerful" — "Certainly, a fine young man" — "Man? Mandy, Professor Bunter told me hisself 't that feller's in his fourth year! Talk about your oatmeal porridge!" — Cleveland Plain Dealer.

An Artistic Career

1895

She — Isn't Mr. Pallette married?
He — Yes.
She — Why, I thought he sought an artistic career.
He — He did and hit it. He wore the most elaborate clothes procurable, lived at the best hotel in town and married a woman with a million. If that isn't artistic, I'd like to know what you call it. — Detroit Free Press.


Etiquette

Mother — Johnny, go down to the grocer's and get a pound of black tea.
Johnny — I heard pa say he didn't like black tea.
Mother — It makes no difference what your father says, Johnny. This family is in mourning now. — Berliner Tageblatt.


Trivia

Outer blinds for windows were unknown until the fourteenth century. The Venetian or interior blinds are so called because they were first used in Venice.

The Chinese claim to have specimens of writing dating from B. C. 2200.