Like Swearing When They Meet

1916

LA CROSSE, Wisconsin — Clerks in the Wisconsin-Minnesota Light & Power Company offices sat up with a shocked and startled expression when a stranger walked up to a desk and announced his name. It sounded like an outburst of profanity, but it was only a Chicago book salesman introducing himself. The salesman was G. O. Tuhell, and the man he met was Chief Clerk S. Damm.

—The Saturday Blade, Chicago, Sept. 16, 1916, p. 7.

"Goodbye" to Doctor Costs Polly a Leg

1920

Door Nips It Off and Now Bird Must Wear a Peg

JEFFERSONVILLE, N.Y. — Dr. Cyril Mydole of this village has a parrot. The doctor bought the bird when she was a year old and gave her the real parrot name, Polly. Polly displayed much intelligence from the day he purchased her and in a few months developed startling vocabulary "cuss" words. Today the parrot is using her profanity freely and the doctor says she is justified.

Polly has been allowed the freedom of the physician's office. She would follow the doctor to his office door and bid him goodbye. On a recent afternoon the doctor started to leave his office. Just as he closed the door he heard a scream. He looked around and found Polly's leg had been caught in the door. Upon examination he found that the leg was so badly mangled that he amputated it at the second joint.

Polly is now forced to stand on her right leg. She says it is "damn hard luck," and hurls invectives at the doctor. As soon as Polly's injured leg heals the doctor will provide her with a peg leg.


Washboard Salary Halts Honeymoon

ST. LOUIS, Missouri — "On his salary she would have to use the washboard for a piano," said George W. Windmuller, in discussing the suit filed in the Circuit Court by his daughter, Mrs. Georgia Chembra, 16 years old, to annul her marriage to Albert L. Chembra.

She was married to Chembra by a justice of the peace in Clayton Jan. 28 last. He is 20 years old. After the ceremony she returned to her father's home, and he to that of his mother. When the girl's father learned of the marriage through the newspapers he refused to allow Chembra to see his bride.

Mrs. Chembra in her suit says her husband misrepresented his financial condition and his earning capacity.

Love Scorns Conventions (humor)

1909

Sincere.
"Sir," said the young man, respectfully, "I am a poor man and you are a millionaire. It seems presumptuous in me, no doubt, to aspire to the hand of your daughter. But my love for her is so great that I cannot be stopped by such considerations. Love scorns conventions and conveniences. Ah, sir, will you give her to me?" The old magnate seemed interested. "But which of my four daughters do you want?" he asked, not unkindly. Eagerly the suitor made answer: "Oh, I'll leave that to you, sir."


A True Detective.
Running his hands underneath the chairs, the detective said: "This is a bachelor apartment. No women have been here for months."
"How do you know that?" inquired the reporter.
"Because, sir," the detective answered, wisely, "I find no chewing gum concealed about the place."— Cleveland Leader.


Her Little Plan.
The Spinster—Why, Mrs. Browning, what are you going to do with that pail?
The Widow—My late husband's last request was that his grave be kept green and as I am about to marry again I concluded to give it a coat of green paint.—Chicago Daily News.


Common Profanity.
"I'll be deviled!" said the ham.
"I'll be switched!" said the train.
"I'll be darned!" said the sock.
"I'll be stumped!" said the tree.
"I'll be blowed!" said the horn.
"I'll be hanged!" said the picture.
"I'll he dammed!" said the stream. -Judge.


The American Habit.
Briggs—I suppose if I accept your invitation to go to that dinner you will want me to make a speech.
Griggs—No, my dear fellow, you see it's this way. Everybody we have invited so far wants to make a speech, and what I am trying to do now in to get together a few listeners.—Life.


Scientific.
A Germ and a Goblin met one day. and the Goblin gave the Germ the wall. Grudgingly, however.
"I'd be as big a bugbear as you if only science had chosen to take me up as seriously!" muttered the Goblin, with a sour air.—Life.