Ostentatious Humor of the Day

1896

Little Brother — "Do you know what 'ostentation' means?" Little Sister — "The way other people show off. — Puck.

The sun never sets on the British dominions, and it rises occasionally in London. — Puck.

The great grief at forty is the discovery that eye-glasses are not becoming. — Atchison Globe.

An egg and an office-boy differ in that one is best when it's fresh and the other isn't. — Philadelphia Record.

Border — "I never eat shad." Wyld — "Why?" Border — "It always reminds me of boneless codfish." — Puck.

The Professor (awakening) — "Is there anybody in this room?" The Burglar — "No, sir." The Professor — "Oh, I thought there was." (Falls asleep again.) — Life.

"Fannie, I have told you time and again not to speak when other persons were talking, but wait until they stop." "I've tried that already mamma. They never stop." — Texas Sifter.

First Woman — "I was suffering untold agony." Second Woman — "Dear me! What did you do?" First Woman — "Oh, a neighbor happened in just in the nick of time and I told her." — Detroit Tribune.

She — "I hope, dear, you were not thinking of business in church this morning. You know your thoughts should be of higher things?" He — "Well, I was thinking of that $22 bonnet of yours. Is that high enough, think you?" — Statesman.

Absent-minded Professor — "I don't know what's the matter with me, doctor, I am perpetually limping to-day. Is it locomotor ataxy, I wonder?" Doctor — "Why, professor, you are walking with one foot on the curbstone and the other in the gutter."

Romantic Miss — "Have there not been moments in your experience when life seemed full of unsatisfied wants?" Mr. Hardhead — "Y-e-s, that's so." "At such times I always fly to music for relief. What do you do, Mr. Hardhead?" "I advertise." — Spare Moments.

"Some folks think this Venezuelan affair will be settled without trouble, but I'll dogon if I do," said Mr. Janson, as the crowd about the grocery store made room for the old man. "I never see one of these here line fence quarrels yit that didn't wind up in a fight!" — Indianapolis Journal.

"I don't know," muttered Rivers, picking himself up from the sidewalk and moving on with a perceptible limp, "whether there is any such thing as a bicycle face or not, but I am thoroughly convinced of the existence of the phenomenon known as the banana skin." — Chicago Tribune.