Material For a Minstrel Show

1895

An Egyptologist Studying Humor as Known to the Empire of the Nile.

The avowed intention of M. Ollivier Beauregard, the eminent Egyptologist, to publish a few of the mummified jokes of that ancient empire of the Nile has necessarily overwhelmed the great host of modern humorists with consternation. Egypt has been claimed as the great mother of almost everything else, save for a baby's share which has been allotted to Babylonia, and it is to be dreaded that the true antiquity of the joke will be revealed among the other awful secrets of the tombs of the pharaohs. Solomon's maxim that there is nothing new under the sun has long been an accepted dictum, even among the jokemakers, and no less a personage than Mark Twain has reduced the joke germs — or, rather, joke elements — to seven Aryan ancestors. What those seven jokes of the seven foolish men of ancient days were it may only be conjectured, but undoubtedly the woman's age, woman's tongue and the mother-in-law jokes were among them and were cracked by our rude ancestors in the old cave dwellings of early Neanthropic times with infinite gusto. The young man who stays late and the old man's boot may have been later accretions. Certainly the young housekeeper and the man who never pays back witticisms do not date much earlier than the days of Noah.

The spring poet first appeared on the scene in the days of old King Sargon, who founded the royal library of Assyria and called for competitive odes. The office goat is a purely modern version. The summer girl and the chappie have a latter day look, but their antetypes can be discovered in the pages of the Greek Theophrastus and the Roman Petronius. The nouveaux richesse figure in that latter romancer's character of Trimalchio. As for the pun, that is undoubtedly a relic of antediluvian jocosity, and it is not impossible to imagine the wicked old Nephelim asking one another, as they stood around and laughed at Noah buiding the ark, "When is a door not a door?" and "Where was Moses when the light went out?"

It is distressing to realize those facts in the case, but what a harrowing situation will ensue if M. Beauregard shall discover the one original, primitive, protoplasmic joke globule, the father of all these nineteenth century jokelets! Imagine the literary scientists placing this Akkadian joke under the microscope and inviting the world to gaze upon the great and only "Jokiensis eozoon!" The modern joker could not survive such a pitiless expose. His occupation, like Othello's, would be gone forever. — Philadelphia Record.

Georgia's Accomplished Poultry

1895

A little 12-year-old daughter of a hotel keeper at Baxter, Ga., has a pet hen that sings to a piano accompaniment. The little girl will go into the yard, pick up the hen, bring her into the parlor, place her on the piano and commence playing something lively, and the hen will sit back on her dignity, raise her head and sing like her life depended on the effort. Georgia leads in the poultry business as well as in everything else. — Atlanta Constitution.


Accidentally Overheard

"Maud, are you going to the psychology lectures?” asked one very nice chic girl of another as the two went swishing past a knot of men on the sidewalk.
"Yes, siree!" replied Maud, "you bet I'm going to grab all the culture that goes by." — Chicago Tribune.


Against Their Will

"Believe me, women do not like these sleeves."
"Greatness thrust upon them, as it were." — Detroit Tribune.

Curran's Wit

1895

Curran's ruling passion was his joke, and it was strong, if not in death, at least in his last illness. One morning his physician observed that he seemed to "cough with more difficulty."
"That is rather surprising," answered Curran, "for I have been practicing all night."
While thus lying ill, Curran was visited by a friend, Father O'Leary, who also loved his joke.
"I wish, O'Leary," said Curran to him abruptly, "that you had the keys of heaven."
"Why, Curran?"
"Because you could let me in," said the facetious counselor.
"It would be much better for you, Curran," said the good humored priest, "that I had the keys of the other place, because I could then let you out." — Green Bag.


In the Literary Workshop

Editor (looking over manuscript) — Here's some more of that chronic poet's slush. I wonder what he calls it "Cat Poetry" for?
Assistant — Because it always comes back, of course. He's a humorist as well as a poet. — Detroit Free Press.

A Lesson In Spelling

1895

She (at the desk) — Dear, please tell me how to spell costume. I'm writing to mother about my lovely new gown.
He — Well, are you ready?
She — Yes.
He — C-o-s-t, cost.
She — Yes.
He — T-o, to.
She — Well?
He — M-e, me — 65, as yet unpaid.
She — You're a wretch! — Frank Harrison's Magazine.


Just Like Him

"Oh, Clara, see this deliciously ugly Japanese god Arthur gave me for a birthday present!"
"Oh, isn't it exquisitely horrible! Just like him, isn't it?" — New York Recorder.

Learning to Cook

1895

"No, ma'am," said the grocer, making a great clattering among his tins, "I have coffeepots and teapots, but there isn't such a thing as a jack pot in the store."
"I'm so sorry," wailed the young wife.
"You see, we haven't been married long, and my husband's mother has always cooked for him, and when I heard him talking in his sleep about a jack pot I thought I'd got one, for he mentions it so frequently he must be used to it. Could you tell me what they cook in it?"
"Greens, ma'am," said the grocer, and he sent her to the tin store in the next block. — Detroit Free Press.


When She Is Perfect

The Duchess of Rutland has perpetrated the little joke that "some of her relatives considered that the perfect woman should be a silent woman." Such a sentiment, says the Lady's Pictorial, could only have its origin in the mind of some such malicious male as the man who wrote the famous epitaph on a talkative woman:

Here, 'neath this stone, a lump of clay,
Lies Arabella Young,
Who, on the twenty-first of May,
Began to hold her tongue!


Had Settled One

Soph — Say, Fresh, did you ever see a $4 bill?
Fresh — Well, I guess yes! Had one presented me that time you invited me to lunch. — University Courier.

Lord Russell's Ruse

1895

The lord chief justice was too smart for the juryman who sought to be excused from serving. "On what ground?" asked his lordship. The man approached with his hand to his ear and said, "I'm deaf, my lord, and cannot bear the evidence." "You can go," said Lord Russell in a whisper. "Thank you, my lord," replied the juryman, taken off his guard, but the learned judge had not finished his sentence, and he sternly added, "into the box and do your duty!" The man quailed and obeyed in some confusion at the failure of his ruse. — Westminster Budget.


An Insult

Miss Beans (of Boston, visiting in Chicago) — Mamma, that Mr. Porkingham insulted me last night, and I shall never speak to him again!
Mamma — How, my child?
Miss B. — He asked me if we were from New York. — Detroit Free Press.


Pompeiian Sculptor

In the house of a Pompeiian sculptor were found 32 mallets, 15 compasses, 3 levers, several chisels, together with jacks for raising blocks and nearly 30 statues and busts, in every stage of manufacture.


Beavers

The tail of a beaver is a regular trowel and is used as such.

An Editor's Wail

1895

If anybody thinks it is just fun and nothing else to run even so small a paper as this, let him come and buy us out. This paper began without assets and has nearly held her own. If the goodly number who promised to pay for their paper would only do so, we could pay what we owe and have enough left to go fishing. Alas, we believe that the fish are perfectly safe if we wait until that time! — Red Wing (Minn.) Methodist.


May Avoid It

"Whither, dear friend?"
"To Africa."
"Are you crazy? One hundred and thirty degrees in the shade!"
"But I need not go in the shade." — Fliegende Blatter.


Comforting

Mabel (looking in mirror) — My face is my fortune.
Ethel — Yes, dear. Well, the man who weds you will never be accused of marrying for riches. — Fashions.

Of Course They Do

1895

"I wonder," said the sentimental boarderess, "if the little birds make any plans for their homes in the spring."
"Of course they do," said the cheerful idiot. "Don't they have to make a nest to mate?"
The custard pie that the astonished waiter girl let drop to the floor at this juncture fell on its soft side and consequently was deducted from her week's wages. — Indianapolis Journal.


Pleasant

Caller — What is the matter with Fido that you are watching him so closely?
Charlie — Mamma said your hat was enough to make a dog laugh, and I wanted to see him do it. — Pick Me 'Up.

More Jokes

1916

The Short Course

When James A. Garfield was president of Oberlin college, a man brought for entrance as a student his son, for whom he wished a shorter course than the regular one.

"The boy can never take all that in," said the father. He wants to get through quicker. Can you arrange it for him?"

"Oh, yes," said Mr. Garfield. He can take a shorter course; it all depends on what you want to make of him. When God wants to make an Oak, He takes a hundred years, but He takes only two months to make a pumpkin."


Young Poultryman

The teacher had recited "The Landing of the Pilgrims." Then she requested each pupil to draw from his or her imagination a picture of Plymouth Rock.

Most of them went to work at once, but one little fellow hesitated, and at length raised his hand.

"Well, Willie, what is it?" asked the teacher.

"Please, ma'am, do you want us to draw a hen or a rooster?"


A Blunder

It was bathing time and from the bedroom of twin boys came the sound of hearty laughter and long crying. Their father went up to find the cause. "What's the matter up here?" he inquired.

The laughing twin pointed to his weeping brother. "Nothing," he giggled; "only nurse has given Alexander two baths and hasn't given me any at all."


Nothing Very Serious

Mrs. Casey — Och, Pat, whin the docther told yez ye had something wid a Latin name to it a yar-rd long, didn't it scare yez?
Casey — Faith, it did, Norah, darlint. But whin he only charged me a dollar, Oi knew it didn't amount to much.

Merely Homely

1916

Shortsighted Officer — It's all right, my man, you can take off your mask now; the gas has passed.
Private — Beggin' your pardon, Sir, I ain't got no mask on! — Passing Show.


He Understood

"I don't see why horses are afraid of automobiles," said Dick.
"Well, I do," replied his ten-year-old companion. "They look like buggies a-going without horses."
"What if they do? That is no reason," replied Dick.
"Now look here, Dick! You know you'd get scared if you saw my suit a-walking down the street and me not along to make it go."


Something Like It

Bobby was rehearsing the patriotic lines he was to speak at the Sunday school Fourth of July celebration.
"'It—it—oh, yes—it gimleted well for our great and glorious—'"
"'Gimleted? Gimleted?' Why, Bobby!" the teacher interrupted. 'Augured,' Bobby. 'Augured.'"
"Oh, yes; augured! I knew it was something they bored with."

More Jokes

1916

Well, Y Not?

He (to new acquaintance) — How do you spell your first name?
She — E-d-y-t-h-e. How do you spell yours?
He — J-y-m-e.


A Militant, Perhaps

"Wanted — Young Men to Join Army." Looks inviting. What's her scheme?


Indeed It Does

"Telephones are great time savers, aren't they?"
"Well, that depends upon who calls you up."

Frenchman Tells How to Cook Cranberries

1916

His Recipe Is Fully as Reliable as Some Others That Go the Rounds.

A French-Canadian guide came into camp one day greatly excited. He had a handful of wild cranberries which he exhibited with pride. "You know the cranberrie?" he asked the assembled party. "Well, you take the li'l cranberrie an' you put him on the fire with plenty of de sug—oh, big lot of the sug — an' you let him cook long time. Then you take him off an' let him cool. An' viola! You have a more better apple sauce than you can make out of de prune!"


An Old Man's Joke.

It was a wet, miserable night, and the car was crowded. Suddenly a coin was heard to drop. An old man stooped and picked it up.

"Has any one lost a dollar?" he inquired, anxiously.

Nine passengers hurriedly searched their pockets and shouted: "I have."

"Well, I've found a penny towards it," said the old man.


A Beauty Hint.

A mother once sent this somewhat satirical note to the teacher of her small son:

"Pardon me for calling your attention to the fact that you have pulled Johnnie's right ear until it is getting longer than the other. Please pull his left ear for a while, and oblige his mother."


Where, Indeed?

"Why, Bobbie! You've got a hole in your stocking! It wasn't there this morning when you put them on."

"Well, if it wasn't there, where was it?"

—The Saturday Blade, Sept. 16, 1916, p. 10.

Took a Mean Advantage

1901

A supernumerary in Richard Mansfield's company who had been, to use a Scotch phrase, continuously and continually "heckled" by the manager at rehearsals and between the acts for alleged displays of stupidity on the stage, was informed that a near relative of his had departed this life and had left him a competence, so he decided to leave the dramatic profession and, to quote him, become respectable. Before leaving he determined to take his revenge on Mansfield for the attacks on his amour propre that gentleman had made.

The play was "Richard III," and the super was one of the soldiers who led away the Duke of Buckingham when the king orders his demise.

In due time Richard remarked, "Off with his head!" and this was the super's opportunity. Advancing, he touched his helmet in the style of a footman and replied loudly and genially:

"That'll be attended to, old chap. We'll take care of old Buck. It'll be all right!" and retired gracefully. When the infuriated Mansfield came off to commit murder, he found the super had fled. — Chicago Chronicle.

Army Jokes With a Moral

1901

"During the civil war," said an ex-army officer, "the authorities for some reason were anxious to move troops up the Tombigbee river. Word was sent to the engineer in that district asking what it would cost to run up the Tombigbee. That official got gay and reported that the Tombigbee ran down and not up, a joke that promptly landed his head in the basket, as the matter was serious.

"At the bombardment of Charleston it was extremely desirable to bring to bear on the city an extra heavy gun called by the men the Swamp Angel. The gun took its name from the swamp in which it stood, and to move it through that boggy morass was an engineering feat of extreme difficulty. However, the commanding officers were determined to have the gun brought within range of Charleston and issued orders to that effect. At the same time they sent word to the engineer having the matter in charge of requisition without regard to trouble or expense for anything necessary to accomplish the desired object. His first requisition called for men 26 feet 6 inches in height. Another officer promptly took the matter in charge, from which it can readily be deduced that it is not a paying investment to make jokes in the army at the expense of your superiors." — New York Tribune.

Girl's Letter Is Joke on Bachelors, but It Overwhelms Her With Mail

1920

GREAT FALLS, Mont. — Miss Ethel Day, a pretty New York girl, has caused work for a few extra mail clerks and carriers in this city as the result of a little joke that she and two other girl friends played upon several thousand young bachelors scattered over the habitable globe a few months ago. Miss Day is now thoroly convinced of the potency of publicity, and so, incidentally, are the letter shooters and mail sorters in the Great Falls postoffice.

Last summer, while enjoying a vacation in the mountains with her two girl friends from New York, who helped her put over the joke, the trio decided to write the following epistle to a motion picture magazine:

"Editor: I am a girl 19 years old. With three other girls I herd cattle for a wealthy stockman. We get awfully lonely and would like to correspond with some Eastern men."

In one day's mail she received answering letters from Germany, France, Hawaii, the Philippines, Zanzibar, Africa; London, Texas. Maine, New Hampshire, Boston, Los Angeles, Minneapolis, St. Louis, Cleveland, Norfolk. Va.; Brunswick, Ont., Can.; New York, Montreal, Key West. Fla.; Jersey City, the U. S. steamship Savannah, India, and numerous other points about the world.

A young lad from New York who evidently has the impression that Montana is still in "the wild and woolly West" asked Miss Day to put a good word for him with her boss so that he could come West and learn to punch cattle. Others spoke of wolves howling around the door.

A little Virginia lass has asked the following questions: "Do you dance? What style of dancing do they have in the West? (Imagine answering that one!) How are the folks out there, hospitable, friendly, sociable? How are the girls, the fellows? What are the chief entertainments? How do you spend your time?"

Now Miss Day for a little while thought it just lovely to receive hundreds of nice letters, but it is rapidly ceasing to be a joke. Each day her list of unanswered letters increases and all she needs is a permit to start a postoffice all her own. The problem could be easily solved by either ignoring the letters or sending them back unclaimed were it not for the fact that all her correspondents were so anxious for a reply that they carefully enclosed stamped, addressed envelopes.

However, Miss Day cheerfully says she will see the thing thru and answer every letter if she has to hire a couple of stenographers and a dictaphone and take a vacation for three months.

—The Saturday Blade, Chicago, Jan. 3, 1920, p. 5.

A Cheerful Soul

1902

"Hanks always looks on the bright side of everything. Do you know what he said when he lost his job the other day?"
"I haven't heard."
"He seemed to be quite cheerful over it. 'You see,' he explained, 'I applied for a raise of salary nearly six months ago and didn't get it. Think of how much more I would have had to lose if they'd given me the increase." — Chicago Record-Herald.


He Dropped the Subject

He was talking to the pessimistic, sharp-tongued damsel.
"Have you noticed," he asked, "that, as a general thing, bachelors are wealthier than married men?"
"I have," she replied.
"How do you account for it?" he inquired.
"The poor man marries and the rich one doesn't," she answered. "A man is much more disposed to divide nothing with a woman than he is to divide something." — Chicago Post.

No Cause For Him to Complain

1902

"See here," remarked the guest to the new waiter, "there doesn't seem to be any soup on this menu card."
"Oh, no, sir," replied the waiter, nervously, "I didn't spill it at this table — it was the one on the other side of the room." — Cincinnati Commercial Tribune.


Satiric

"Don't you think that some people in society are very deficient in manners?" said the man who had been annoyed by a box party.
"Perhaps," answered Miss Cayenne; "but possibly they are not to blame. They have to meet so many customs house inspectors, you know." — Washington Star.


As She Reasoned It

"It is but natural," said Mrs. Van Scadders, "that those who possess wealth should consider themselves the best people."
"I don't quite follow you?"
"It is an axiom that everything is for the best."
"Yes."
"And the people with money are the only ones who have a chance to get everything." — Washington Star.

A Promoter of Pedestrianism

1902

"So you are going to get an automobile!"
"Yes," answered the man who is always thinking of his health. "The doctor says I must walk more."


A Conclusive Objection

"Poverty is no disgrace," said the young woman with ideas of her own.
"No," said Mrs. Cumrox; "it's no disgrace. But it certainly is extremely unfashionable." — Washington Star.


Softened Grief

Wilson — "I lost that fine silk umbrella that I carried in town to-day."
Mrs. Wilson — "Oh, what a pity!"
Wilson — "There is one consolation, it wasn't mine."—Somerville (Mass.) Journal.


Another Advance

She — "So you think the necessities of life are constantly advancing in price? For instance?"
He — "Well, the average fine for 'autospeeding' has advanced from $10 to $30 within a year." — Puck.


Correcting Him

Gabbleton (effusively) — "Why, hello, Grimshaw! Glad to see you're back."
Grimshaw (coldly) — "This is my face you are looking at, Gabbleton." — New York Journal.

The Funny Side of Life

1902

Point of View

When a fellow has spent
His last red cent,
The world looks blue — you bet!
But — give him a dollar
And you'll hear him holler:
"There's life in the old land yet!"

— Atlanta Constitution.


Precious

Mrs. Knicker — "Mrs. Smith seems very proud of her diamonds."
Mrs. Bockor — "Yes, she refers to them as her white coals." — New York Sun.


Worth While

She — "I should like to know what good your college education did you?"
He — "Well, it taught, me to owe a lot of money without being annoyed by it." — Life.


The Influence

Jerry — "How do good clothes make a man a gentleman?"
Joe — "They make him feel as if he was expected to act like one." — Detroit Free Press.

Ignore Them — Mosquitoes

1910

The best way to get rid of the mosquito, says the Brooklyn Eagle, is to get the habit of not minding him, like the natives. No native or resident of a few months in a mosquito section minds mosquitoes any more than he does flies. But this method is slow in its appeal to the man who finds the pests attack him with more zeal than they do the natives.


He Knew About Ice Cream

The first time three-year-old Ray noticed a rainbow he shouted: "Oh! That looks just like ice cream in the sky!"


Money Well Spent

"I suppose to educate your daughter in music costs a great deal of money?"
"Yes; but she's brought it all back for me."
"Indeed!"
"Yes; I'd been trying to buy out my next door neighbor at half price for years, and could never bring him to terms until she came home!"