A Puzzled Husband.

1895

Patient Man — Suppose a woman makes it so hot for her husband that he can't live with her and he leaves her. What can she do?

Lawyer — Sue him for support.

"Suppose she has run him so heavily into debt that he can't support her, because his creditors grab every penny as quick as he gets it?"

"If for any reason he fails to pay her the amount ordered, he will be sent to jail for contempt of court."

"Suppose she drives him out of the house with a flatiron and he's afraid to go back?" "She can sue him for desertion."

"Well, I don't see anything for me to do but go and hang myself."

"It's against the law to commit suicide, and if you are caught attempting it you'll be imprisoned. Thirteen and fourpence, please. Good day!" — Tit-Bits.


Irish In Ireland.

Irish is spreading in the schools of Ireland — 1,051 candidates presented themselves for examination in their native tongue last year as compared with 831 the year before. The number of schoolmasters who obtained certificates to teach Irish doubled. Irish was taught in 11 new board schools, and the sale of books of the Society For the Preservation of the Irish Language was greatly increased. — Philadelphia Ledger.

An Experience In Ireland

1895

"Well," said the returned traveler, I had an experience in Ireland which will lead me far toward believing anything that I may over hear or read about some Irishmen's utter illogicality. It happened out in the hotel of a little town in Galway called Westport. I was one of a party of four that had gone across from Dublin to look for a deserted silver mine that was said to lie in the coast hills back of the town, and we agreed, as it was a long drive over there, that we would start early the next morning.

"Seven was set for the breakfast hour and half past 6 for the rising hour, so we called in the solitary waiter of the hotel and told him to rouse us all at 6:30, sharp. I slept in a bed that was as gloomy as a hearse and in a room that was as cold as an ice chest and was dreaming of New York and steam heat when a knock at the door awoke me.

'Who's there?' I cried.

" 'Shure, it's me, sor,' answered the waiter. 'It's twinty minits past foive, sor. Will I wake ye now, or will I wait till half past sex?'

"At first I was angry, but when I realized the full topsy turviness of the fellow's deduction I just roared. And it's a fact too." — New York Sun.


McPhun's Joke

McPhun entered the club a few mornings ago, his chin and cheeks plainly showing that he was freshly emancipated from the hands of the barber.
"Been havin' a shave, old man?" asked McKan lazily.
"Yes, and had my hair cut, too," was the reply. "Always have my hair cut when I have a shave."
"And how often do you get shaved?" was the languid inquiry.
"Every morning," answered McPhun.
"And have your hair cut, too, every day?" said the other.
"Yes."
"Don't you find it rather expensive?"
"No; only costs twopence."
"What? Only twopence for a shave and hair cutting?"
"That's all. Barber couldn't shave me without cutting my hair, don't you know?"
And it took poor Mac 7½ minutes by the club clock to see why. — London Tit-Bits.

A.E.F. Slain Soon To Be Taken Home

1920

Board To Remove Bodies Arrives In England

All Dead That Can Be Moved Are to Be Sent Back When France Permits

LONDON, England, Jan. 1. — Extensive plans for the wholesale removal of the bodies of America's war dead to the United States will be put into operation in England and France this week.

Fifty-one members of the graves registration service arrived at Southampton on board the Martha Washington. Some members of the expedition will remain in England to supervise the work of removing the bodies of Americans who died in England, while the others will proceed to France, where they will start similar operations.

26,096 Buried in Great Britain

According to the statement of Major Whipps, mortuary officer with the American forces in Great Britain, 26,096 American soldiers were buried in Ireland, Scotland and England. The bodies of only two members of the American Navy still remain buried in English soil. The others were transported home shortly after the armistice. In France there still are 600 Naval dead, whose bodies will be taken home as soon as technical objections can be overcome.

According to American Naval officers in London, France finally has granted permission to the United States to remove both the dead sailors and soldiers.

Heretofore only in exceptional cases have the bodies of soldiers been sent back to the United States. A recent Army order, however, is said to contain instructions to the effect that all bodies not buried in the actual war zone are to be prepared for shipment to America.

The organization, composed partly of Army officials and partly of civilians, which will superintend the removal of the bodies, will be divided into three sections. One section will be stationed in England, a second section in France, and the third will be assigned the work of gathering the bodies buried in Belgium, Germany and Italy.

Some to Be Left Behind

It is not regarded as possible or desirable to send home all the bodies. Those that are left in Europe will, however, be gathered into one cemetery. The Argonne Cemetery, located at Romagne-sur-Montfaucon, in the heart of the region where the A. E. F. made its biggest fight, has been suggested as the site of the permanent A. E. F. Cemetery. There are 21,000 Americans interred there now.

The hardest work will be in removing the bodies of the war-swept areas, it is expected. Identification will be exceedingly difficult in many cases where large numbers of men were buried close to the battlefield.

The cost of the removal of bodies to America will be approximately $1,000 each. Owing to the shortage of railroad equipment in France, Army auto trucks will be used to carry the bodies from their present locations to the ships at Brest.

Ireland Is a Paradise, Says Returned American

1920

Most Prosperous Country in World

NEW YORK, N. Y., Jan. 1. — "I've been from Pekin to Constantinople within the last three years, and I found Paradise in Ireland," said S, S. McClure, publisher, on his return from a three months' visit to Ireland on the Mauretania. He continued:

"Ireland is the most prosperous, comfortable and law-abiding country in the world. The people are well dressed and well housed. One has to read outside papers to learn of the troubles and unsettled conditions there.

"I have nothing to say regarding politics in Ireland, as I went there for the purpose of studying the country's economic side. I found that Irish banks had deposits of more than £100,000,000 and have been forced to form alliances with English banks in order to find an outlet for their money."

Many United States Sailors Marry Irish Brides

1919

Plans for Dismantling Naval Stations Are Going Forward Rapidly

Queenstown, Ireland. — Plans for the dismantling of the American naval stations in and around Queenstown are going forward rapidly. Time will be required to remove the base hospital at White Point and much work will be involved in removing the many big warehouses which were brought here from America and set up in record time. Other important parts of the American plant include wireless stations at Queenstown and Aglada and many hutments.

American officers and men have made a deep impression on the people of Queenstown and in other parts of South Ireland, and relations generally have been of the most cordial nature. This is proved by the fact that a number of weddings already have taken place, and more than one American sailor has promised to return for the girl he must leave behind.

Queenstown has prospered greatly since the station was established here, but the people declare their regret in seeing the Americans depart is because they have become accustomed to their presence and like them for the fine young fellows they are.

Ireland's National Emblem – The Shamrock

1905

There are few plants, if any, that are as closely associated in the people's wind with any one nation in particular as is the little Irish shamrock with the joys and sorrows of the Emerald Isle.

In the ancient literature of Erin the word occurs variously as seamsog, seamrog, seamrego, shamrote, shamrocke, shamroke, shamrough or shamroote, shamrug, shamroge, seamar-oge and chambroch. The word "shamrock" is Erse, being derived from seamrog, a compound of seamar, meaning trefoil, and og, little — little clover. Scamar is supposed to be the same as sumar, obtained from the Celtic name of the clover — visnmarus.

As to the plant itself, it is generally considered that the true shamrock is either the black nonesuch or the Dutch clover, with a decided preference for the first named, on no less an authority than the curator of the Dublin Botanic Gardens and other competent persons. There are, however, some who hold that Trifolium repens or Trifolium minus is the true shamrock, and this opinion emanates from experts in the Agricultural Department at Washington.

Other writers have adopted the fancy of Bicheno, who advocated the right of the wood sorrel to this honor. This last belief may have arisen from the appearance of the word seamsoge, meaning wood sorrel, in old Irish writings, referring to the shamrock, but by those competent to judge this is thought to be a misprint, the word seamroge signifying meadow trefoil, having been meant.

The earliest references to the shamrock in Irish literature deal with it as a food plant. Campion, in his "Historic of Ireland," dated 1571, says, in speaking of the food of the common people: "Shamrotes, watercresses and other herbes they feed upon: oatmele and butter they cram together."

Fastnet Lighthouse — First Glimpse of Great Britain

1896

A Welcome Gleam to the East-Bound Atlantic Voyager

The first glimpse of Great Britain that the American tourist gets on his European tour is that of the Fastnet lighthouse.

It stands on a rugged and solitary rock, situated nine miles south of Crookhaven, at the extreme southwest corner of Ireland, and is, perhaps, more storm-beaten than any other around our coast. The rock is eighty feet in height, and the lighthouse towers another seventy feet above, yet, in winter gales, the Atlantic billows literally bombard the massive structure and have even smashed in a portion, of the lantern at the summit of the erection, the seas frequently sweeping over the rock with tremendous force.

Some two or three years ago the stormy weather then prevailing prevented all communication with the rock for many weeks, so that the store of food was consumed, with the exception of some flour. At last a schooner managed to approach sufficiently near to enable a small quantity of food to be dragged through the sea by the hungry men, and, fortunately, the next day the sea moderated, and the stores were once more fully replenished.

Except in very calm weather, the Fastnet is surrounded by a fringe of foam, and the only means of landing is by the aid of a "jib" fifty-eight feet in length, so placed on the rock that, in moderate weather, its end reaches outside the surf. When a visitor wishes to land (an unusual occurrence) he is rowed in a small boat as near as the waves permit, and the light-keepers throw out a small buoy, attached to a rope, which is secured by the man in the boat. The jib is then swung out, and the visitor, placing one foot in the loop and catching tight hold of the rope, is hoisted about forty feet vertically, and then the jib, being pivoted at its foot, swings him horizontally about 100 feet on to a safe landing. — London Sketch.

Great Irishman To Visit United States

1908

Sir Anthony MacDonnell Coming To America

New York. — Sir Anthony Patrick McDonnell, permanent under secretary for Ireland, is on his way to the United States, but just what his mission to this country is, is known only to himself. It is safe to conjecture, however, that it is to explain to the Irish leaders on this side of the water why he has failed to get Ireland home rule and a land act that would turn the property of the land owners over to the peasantry. These were the aims he had in view when he entered his present position under Mr. Wyndham.

Not only was he a staunch Roman Catholic and home ruler, but an intense radical as well, and the conservatives writhed in horror at the idea of their leaders making MacDonnell virtual dictator of Ireland. For Mr. Wyndham was not a strong man, while Sir Anthony is strength personified. He had learned in India how to take the land from the big land holders and return it to the people. Before accepting the office he stated his views to Mr. Wyndham and insisted upon a written pledge that he should have a free hand. Immediately he set to work to make himself solid with the Irish people. He won the support of the clergy, he manipulated the police in a way that won him the affection of the people who regard the police as their natural enemies, and he traveled the whole length of Ireland to plead with rapacious landlords not to evict helpless tenants.

It was not long, however, before the tories of the old school raised a howl against the unlimited power given to Sir Anthony, and Mr. Wyndham had to drop out after the reading of the agreement in parliament. This made no difference to Sir Anthony, for he remained in his office under Mr. Long, who succeeded Wyndham, and was as much of a power as ever. The party papers denounced the under secretary and all his works, but the government still retained him. It found itself in the position of the man who had a bear by the tail — he couldn't hold on and he dare not let go.

When the Balfour government was defeated Sir Anthony remained as the adviser of the liberal government. Mr. Bryce became his chief and at the same time his tool. Mr. Bryce was no more successful than either of his predecessors, for the Sinn Fein movement, which sought to separate Ireland by strictly legal means, had grown up and was working at cross purposes with Sir Anthony. Prof. Bryce gave up and Mr. Birrell took his place. Sir Anthony advised the "devolution" bill, which the Irish people, investigated by the Sinn Fein, refused to accept. Nor were his land measures more popular, and Mr. Birrell came to the conclusion that Sir Anthony was the champion of a lost cause. It came to a test of will power between a dour Scotchman and an obstinate Irishman, and the former seems to have prevailed. Hence Sir Anthony's trip to America.

Sir Anthony entered the Indian civil service as a young man. He rose to the very highest position in the service, lieutenant governor of Bengal, and subsequently governor of the northwest provinces. He did much to reform the land tenure of Bengal. It was his dearest wish to do even more for his native land, and this is why, after retiring on a pension, he accepted the under secretaryship for Ireland.

The Jollier (humor column)

1922

A big wheat crop is predicted. Say it with flour.

These June nights are even better than the famous Arabian nights.

Nineteen seniors at an Ohio girls' college are engaged. And yet people ask: "Does education help?"

A success is a self-starter. A failure is a self-stopper.

Hint to Ireland: An alley-apple a day won't keep the doctor away.

At the time of going to press another movie star was married.

In Indiana, a janitor stole $80,000 from the bank. This was the best he ever cleaned up.

An optimist is a man who plants an orchard near a school house.

Thanks to radio broadcasting sermons, a man can stay at home and claim he has been at church.

One way to keep a daughter at home is to feed her on onions.

A school of politics for women has opened. First lesson should be smoking bum cigars.

It's an unlucky angler who doesn't even catch one to lie about.

Americans in Germany say they are charged too much. Germans want them to feel at home.

This business revival could stand a little more shouting.

The only objection to living in the country is you have to go to town for your vacation.

No girl buying clothes wants the most she can get for her money.

In Detroit, a madman whipped his landlord and escaped. But all mad men can't do that.

We will investigate Turkish atrocities. The Turks will be glad to give a demonstration.

—The Coshocton Tribune, Coshocton, Ohio, June 19, 1922, page 4.

THE IRISH SCHOOLMASTER

By James A. Sidney

"Come here, my boy, hould up your head,
And look like a jintleman, sir;
Jist tell me who King David was --
Now tell me if you can, sir."
"King David was a mighty man,
And he was King of Spain, sir;
His eldest daughter, Jessie, was
The 'flower of Dunblane,' sir."

"You're right, my boy, hould up your head,
And look like a jintleman, sir;
Sir Isaac Newton -- who was he?
Now tell me if you can, sir."
"Sir Isaac Newton was the boy
That climbed the apple-tree, sir;
He then fell down and broke his crown,
And lost his gravity, sir."

"You're right, my boy, hould up your head,
And look like a jintleman, sir;
Jist tell me who ould Marmion was --
Now tell me if you can, sir."
"Ould Marmion was a soldier bold,
But he went all to pot, sir;
He was hanged upon the gallows tree,
For killing Sir Walter Scott, sir."

"You're right, my boy, hould up your head,
And look like a jintleman, sir;
Jist tell me who Sir Rob Roy was --
Now tell me if you can, sir."
"Sir Rob Roy was a tailor to
The king of the Cannibal Islands;
He spoiled a pair of breeches, and
Was banished to the Highlands."

"You're right, my boy, hould up your head,
And look like a jintleman, sir;
Then Bonaparte -- who was he?
Now tell me if you can, sir."
"Old Bonaparte was King of France
Before the Revolution;
But he was kilt at Waterloo,
Which ruined his constitution."

"You're right, my boy, hould up your head,
And look like a jintleman, sir;
Jist tell who King Jonah was --
Now tell me if you can, sir."
"King Jonah was the strangest man
That ever wore a crown, sir;
For though the whale did swallow him,
It couldn't keep him down, sir."

"You're right, my boy, hould up your head,
And look like a jintleman, sir;
Jist tell me who that Moses was --
Now tell me if you can, sir."
"Shure Moses was the Christian name
Of good King Pharaoh's daughter;
She was a milkmaid, and she took
A profit from the water."

"You're right, my boy, hould up your head,
And look like a jintleman, sir;
Jist tell me now where Dublin is,
Now tell me if you can, sir."
"Och, Dublin is a town in Cork,
And built on the equator:
It's close to Mount Vesuvius,
And watered by the 'crathur'."

This website has J.A. Sidey listed as the author of the poem instead of Sidney.