Story Good, but Dates Wrong

1895

Daniel Webster's son Edward must have been a precocious youth, if we are to credit an incident which Dr. Hale related in The Old South Meeting house as connected with the delivery of Webster's address at Plymouth Dec. 22, 1820, "Webster had just asked, in his solemn and impressive manner, 'Will any man dare to say?' when Edward, unused to hearing his father opposed, piped up, 'No, pa.' "

Such anecdotes are enjoyable if they are unquestioningly accepted. It does not really matter greatly that the youthful Edward was then of the infantile age of only 6 months and 2 days and the further fact that the Plymouth address contains no such interrogatory as "Will any man dare to say?" The point of the anecdote is just as good, although the dates are out. Possibly it was due to one of those errors of memory whose origin, as Professor Power Cobbe tells us in "Fallacies of the Memory," is "but a simple result of permanent mental laws." — Boston Transcript.

All the Baby Wanted

1895

"It isn't a bit of use," cried the young man distractedly as he paced the room with the crying infant in his arms. "There is something alarming the matter with him, or he wouldn't cry like this."

"Oh, whatever shall we do?" said the young wife as she took her offspring and tried to soothe him. "Whatever shall we do?"

They were very young, and it was their first baby, and really if things had gone on for another hour as they had during the last it is an open question which would have gone into convulsions first — father, mother or baby.

"I'll fetch mother," cried the young fellow at last. "She'll know what to do." Presently he returned, dragging the good old mother with him, almost breathless with haste and overcome with apprehension. Putting on her spectacles, she regarded the infant critically for a moment and then said, "He wants feeding!"

"There," cried the young father excitedly, "we both knew the little beggar wanted something, but neither of us could tell what it was. " — London Tit-Bits.

Worked To The Limit

1895

How the Boys Got Ahead of One Man on a 10 Cent Find.

A man walking along Wrightwood avenue saw a bright dime lying on the sidewalk. He picked it up. Only a short distance ahead of him were two boys. He called to them, "Boys, did you lose anything?"

They turned around, and after looking at each other and then at the friendly man they shook their heads.

"Have you any money?" he asked them.

"I've got 65 cents," said one of them. "What kind of money is it?"

"I got a half dollar and three nicks." "No dimes, eh?"

"No, sir."

"I just picked up a dime back there, and I thought perhaps one of you might have dropped it."

He walked on to the corner. As he stood there waiting for a car he felt a pull at his coattail, and a small boy, with a streaked face, said, "Mister, did you find a 10 cent piece?"

"Yes, I found one."

"Well, I lost it, honest. Ma sent me for bread, and now she'll lick me."

"Well, here's your dime."

The boy grabbed it and ran.

That evening, when the man alighted from the car at the same corner, a boy, with a derby hat too large for him, halted him and asked: "Say, mister, did you find a dime? 'Cause I lost one on the way to the butcher's, and I'll catch it when the old man hears about it."

"Look here, I gave that dime to another boy. He said he was going to buy bread with it."

"He was stringin' you."

"I don't know what that means, but maybe the money belonged to you. Here's 10 cents."

Next morning another boy, with the proud evidence of a hole in his pocket to back up his claim, met the honest man at the front gate and asked for the dime. The man knew that some one must have lost the money, and as he didn't want to overlook the right boy he gave up another dime. That evening two more were lying in wait. He handed them 10 cents apiece on condition that they should notify all the boys in the neighborhood that he had been "worked" to the limit. — Chicago Record.

The Fat Woman's Revenge

1895

Her Victim Did Not Get a Chance to Greet His Friends.

Apropos of the theater, I saw something one other night Within the last seven that filled me with a totally unholy glee. A woman sat in front of me. She was decidedly plump. In fact, she was what Illinois people call corn fed. She was bareheaded, too, by the way, and before the play began and after every act she had to stand up and let a man who sat near her pass out. It was a tight squeeze every time, and as the man did not say, "Pardon me!" or "Beg your leave!" or anything else to show the faith that was in him I could see the tide of that fat woman's wrath rise till its crimson edge made the straggling fringe below her back hair bristle indignantly.

At last the play was over, and the man wanted to rush out to join two women friends — undoubtedly he'd have called them "lady friends" — whom he had noticed near. But did he rush? Well, if he did, his rush wasn't visible to the naked eye. That fat woman sat down and put on her rubbers. Then she replaced her gloves, which she had taken off. Then she stood up, blocking the passage, while she put on her hat, adjusted her veil and buttoned her cloak. And all the while the man was dancing with impatience, unable to get out, and the "two lady friends" were passing out the door. At last the fat woman moved, and the man — well, inasmuch as nothing so much angers a man as a punishment he knows he deserves, you can imagine how he looked. For my part, I thought it was delightful, and if ever I meet that fat woman I mean to tell her so. — Washington Post.

One On Dr. Depew

1895

How a Rural Editor Got the Better of the Genial Orator.

The more stories a man has the more difficult it is to say which is the funniest. I know a great many story tellers and still more stories, but just which one is funniest I would not dare to say offhand.

A friend of mine, a newspaper man, tells me that he was in a small town in New York state where Chauncey Depew was billed to make a speech that night, and it happened he stopped at the same hotel Depew did. Just after supper the editor of the local paper dropped in to see Mr. Depew, and the distinguished gentleman proceeded to have some fun with the country journalist. He had fun, too, and every now and then he rounded up a sentence against the editor by saying, "Oh, you can't believe everything in the newspapers," the editor having used the newspaper matter very largely in his argument.

After the speechmaking was over the editor met Mr. Depew in the hotel office again, and there was a big crowd present.

"Well, my friend," inquired the genial Chauncey, "what did you think of my speech?"

The editor hesitated a moment.

"Are you," he asked solemnly, "the genuine Chauncey M. Depew?" "Certainly. Why not?"

"Are you the one that all the newspapers have been saying was the finest speaker, the greatest talker, the sharpest stumper and the brightest wit before the public?" pursued the editor.

"I guess I'm the one," blushed the gentleman. "Why?"

"Oh, because you can't believe everything there is in the newspapers."

And Depew shook hands with the editor and called it square. — Demorest's Magazine.

He Fools The Confidence Man

1895

How a Guileless Looking Traveling Man Hoodwinks Bunko Steerers.

There is a growing fashion among traveling men to attach to their satchels and valises those well known little straps fastening to the handle of the baggage a small leather tag, into which is slipped a card bearing the owner's name. As a traveler walks along the street carrying his baggage thus tagged it is often easy to read his name by walking a moment at his side and glancing at the tag.

The confidence men and bunko steerers have not been slow to discover that fact, and they not infrequently in this way learn the actual name of their intended victim without the assistance of the usual confederate, whose business it is to learn the victim's name and place of residence.

I have a friend who travels a great deal, but whose appearance of guileless and childlike innocence attracts the bunko man as sugar attracts flies. He has become accustomed to them now. They never dupe him, but their attentions sometimes annoy him.

He drifted into the city again not long ago, and as he laid his satchel upon the hotel desk I was surprised to see that it bore one of the little leather tags containing the card of "Mr. Jabez L. Simonds." Now, Jabez L. Simonds was not my friend's name, and I laughingly said to him: "What's this mean? I'll bet you've swapped baggage on the train and have got some other fellow's satchel."

My friend smiled, winked slyly at the hotel clerk and said mysteriously: "No, I haven't. That's my satchel, but it isn't my name. Come outside with me after awhile, and I'll show you how it works if we have my usual luck."

We went accordingly, and my friend carried the satchel with him. He had his "usual luck," and I saw how "it worked." We had not walked three blocks from the Grand Union hotel when a dapper little fellow came up behind us. I didn't notice that he even glanced at that satchel, but he must have done so, of course. He walked up briskly, as though to pass us; then turning, with a well feigned look of recognition, he held out his hand, effusively greeted my friend as Mr. Simonds, and was starting in on the same old bunko formula when my friend nudged me and interrupted him:

"Glad to see you, Johnnie," he said. "My name isn't Jabez L. Simonds, and I'm not so green as I look. I just keep that tag on my baggage for the sake of chaps of your kind who are so fond of recognizing old friends. Good day, Johnnie. Hope you're not offended."

"I like to to do it," he explained to me as we started back toward the hotel. "It's just a fad of mine." — New York Herald.

He Forgave Twain

1901

Many years ago the Montana club in Helena entertained Mark Twain after a lecture. He met many old friends there and one old enemy.

The latter had come all the way from Virginia City, Nev., on purpose to settle an old score. When the glasses were filled and Mark's health proposed, this man interrupted the proceedings by saying: "Hold on a minute. Before we go further I want to say to you, Sam Clemens, that you did me a dirty trick over there in Silver City, and I've come here to have a settlement with you."

There was a deathly silence for a moment, when Mark said in his deliberate drawl: "Let's see. That — was - before — I — reformed, wasn't — it?"

Senator Sanders suggested that inasmuch as the other fellow had never reformed Clemens and all the others present forgive him and drink together, which all did.

Army Jokes With a Moral

1901

"During the civil war," said an ex-army officer, "the authorities for some reason were anxious to move troops up the Tombigbee river. Word was sent to the engineer in that district asking what it would cost to run up the Tombigbee. That official got gay and reported that the Tombigbee ran down and not up, a joke that promptly landed his head in the basket, as the matter was serious.

"At the bombardment of Charleston it was extremely desirable to bring to bear on the city an extra heavy gun called by the men the Swamp Angel. The gun took its name from the swamp in which it stood, and to move it through that boggy morass was an engineering feat of extreme difficulty. However, the commanding officers were determined to have the gun brought within range of Charleston and issued orders to that effect. At the same time they sent word to the engineer having the matter in charge of requisition without regard to trouble or expense for anything necessary to accomplish the desired object. His first requisition called for men 26 feet 6 inches in height. Another officer promptly took the matter in charge, from which it can readily be deduced that it is not a paying investment to make jokes in the army at the expense of your superiors." — New York Tribune.

Bogged

1901

While traveling in Cornwall in 1891 Rev. S. Baring-Gould came near being overwhelmed in a bog. He and his companions got lost and at dusk found themselves in a bog called Redmire. Six bullocks had already been lost there that year. Mr. Baring-Gould's adventure is related in his "Book of the West."

"All at once I sank above my waist and was being sucked farther down. I cried to my companion, but in the darkness he could not see me, and had he seen me he could have done nothing for me. The water finally reached my armpits.

"Happily I had a stout bamboo some six feet long, and I placed this athwart the surface and held it with my arms as far expanded as possible. By jerks I succeeded in gradually lifting myself and throwing my body forward till finally I was able to cast myself at full length on the surface. The suction had been so great as to tear my leather gaiters off my legs.

"I lay at full length gasping for nearly a quarter of an hour before I had breath and strength to advance, and then wormed myself along on my breast till I reached dry land. My companion, it turned out, had had a similar experience."

She Waited

1901

Even a Scotchman cannot always be humorous, if he would. Like other people, however, he is sometimes funny without meaning to be. The Scottish-American thinks that the message sent by a young man in Peeblesshire to his waiting bride may have kept her from worrying over his nonappearance, but that she must after all have received it with mixed feelings.

The bride elect lived in a village some distance from the home of William the bridegroom. The wedding was to be at her home. On the eventful day the young man started for the station, but on the way met the village grocer, who talked so entertainingly that William missed his train.

Naturally he was in what is known as a "state of mind." Something must be done and done at once. So he sent the following telegram:

Don't marry till I come. WILLIAM.

If the bride elect knew her William she probably knew how he felt when he sent the message and forgave the mental confusion which resulted in what she must have looked upon as a needless request.

Painful Results of Stoutness

1901

A stout man lifted himself into a Heights car the other morning and took the only vacant seat. Pretty soon a lady came aboard, and the stout man quickly arose to tender her his place. As he reached a standing position the car suddenly started, and he sat down with a sound like a broken slat. Blushing deeply, he once more struggled to his feet and was about to step out into the aisle when the motorman saw a wagon on the track and fiercely applied the brakes. The car stopped so suddenly that the stout man doubled over on a thin young man in the front seat and almost cracked his slender neck. The young man pushed the dents out of his derby hat and muttered some remarks that were not complimentary to fat people in general.

Then the fat man braced himself for the third time, and the lady sympathetically remarked, "Please don't trouble yourself." But the fat man's spirit was up. He crowded out into the aisle and filled it so full that the lady could not get by him; then, with a polite wave of his hand, he indicated the seat and backed out of the way.

"Thank you!" said the lady very sweetly. "But I get off at the next stop."

Then the fat man went out and filled up the back platform. — Cleveland Plain Dealer.

The Court Needed Posting

1901

A trial was progressing at the City Hall police court when the judge espied in a group of young girls mingling in the large audience a delinquent witness whom it was urgent he interview.

"Mr. Marshall," his honor exclaimed, "have that young lady step here."

"Which young lady, your honor?"

"I don't know her name — the one with the light straw hat and dark skirt," the court added. The clew was insufficient.

"What kind of waist?" inquired the marshal.

"Ruffle on the sleeves and trimmed with — er — the usual sort of what d'you call em," said the court.

"I understand. You mean leg of mutton sleeves, with — er — what's his name attachments," replied the marshal in faint hope of striking the technical term.

"No, not exactly," said the judge.

"Would you recognize an empire gown if you saw one. Mr. Marshal?"

"Upon oath, no; I wouldn't swear to it."

"Well, I know it wasn't an empire gown or a Mother Hubbard. I don't think you understand much about female apparel."

But here the young lady generously stepped forward, while a little boy laughed, and the marshal threatened to send him to the penitentiary for life. — St. Louis Post-Dispatch.

The Errors of Society

1901

The dark blots that divorce makes in society are too easily seen and too sad to write much about, so I will give only a few incidents of the absurd and humiliating positions in which people may be placed:

I once occupied a seat on the grand stand at the Newport Casino during a tennis match. After I had been in my seat a short time, a man I knew, once divorced, but remarried, came in with his new wife and occupied the two seats on my left, and a few moments later the woman from whom he had been divorced and who had also remarried came in with her new husband and sat directly on my right.

Whether the ticket agent arranged this for a joke I am not prepared to say, but all went well until I grew tired of the game and got up, leaving the four in a straight row, which made an interesting picture for a few moments. The four soon realized, however, what people were staring and smiling at, and, looking daggers at one another, immediately rose and disappeared in the crowd. The incident amused the lads and misses very much.

A lady I know very well in New York, who was giving a dinner party, told me she always dreaded the arranging of her guests at her tables, lest she put people together whom the "law had set apart," as she put it. "It would be perfectly dreadful to seat a gentleman beside a lady to whom he is paying alimony." — Smart Set.

A Funny Surprise

1901

This story is told by a man who dislikes nothing so much as to be asked questions: "My little girl is very fond of seashells," he said, "and, having been called to Atlantic City on business one day, I took advantage of the opportunity to run down to the beach to see if I could pick up a few. I was strolling along the sand, gathering a few shells and pebbles, which I placed in my handkerchief, when along came one of those old idiots who ask questions with their mouths which their eyes could answer.

"He smiled upon me and said: 'Fine day, isn't it? Are you gathering shells?'

" 'No, I snapped back, saying the first thing that popped into my mind; 'I'm looking for a set of false teeth I lost while in bathing.'

"He expressed his sympathy, and then his face lit up as his eye caught sight of a pink and white object on the sand. 'Well, I declare! Here they are now!' he exclaimed, and, sure enough, he picked up a set of false teeth lying right at his feet. I was too surprised to do anything but grab them and put them in my pocket. The funny part of it is that I never had a tooth pulled in my life. I wonder who that false set belongs to." — Philadelphia Record.

Was One Great Large Fool

1910

German Applicant for Citizenship Gives His Opinion of Subject of Polygamy

Herman Selferth, a wood turner from Germany, was among the first of a score of applicants seeking "papers" from a federal judge in Kansas recently. Herman had been in America seven years, and his conversation, albeit a trifle warped, was quite understandable.

So it was with no great effort that the judge and others understood Herman solemnly to assert that liberty was the capital of Missouri and that Abraham Lincoln was the first president of the United States.

So far, so good. The questions of law and morals proved a bit more difficult.

"What do you think of polygamy?" the assistant district attorney inquired.

"Vot iss?" parried the examinee, puzzled.

"Polygamy — polygamy," the interlocutor repeated. "Do you believe it is right, proper and lawful?"

Herman was stumped. There appeared to be no word in the lexicon of the Vaterland that sounded enough like polygamy to give Herman even a false start. The judge ventured a hint.

"What do you think of a man that would have several wives at the same time?" the court asked.

That was easy. Herman looked vastly relieved.

"Oh," he rejoined, positively. "I think such a man would be one great, large fool." And the court was so well satisfied with Herman's moral attitude and right intent that the "papers" were forthcoming despite the applicant's minor inaccuracies in history and geography.

An Engineer's Experience

1902

"The superstition about owls is a wonderful thing," said an old railroad engineer, "and if I had not been inclined to be superstitious about the birds the engine I was riding one night would have been knocked into smithereens and the passengers in the coaches might have fared very badly. I am not always superstitious, but I am particularly so about owls. But I like the creatures, for one certainly saved my life.

"The incident occurred on a very dark night. The train was running at full speed. We were running on a straight line, and there was nothing for the fireman and myself to do but to look directly ahead and let her run. I had been looking intently for an hour, when something flew into the cab. It struck the coal pile and fell back dead. It was a great gray owl. Within less time than it takes to tell it I began to think that the owl was a bad omen, and I stopped the train immediately. I cannot say what made me feel so, but I was sure that death was ahead. I descended and walked to a switch that was a short distance ahead of us. It was open and a long train of empty freight cars was on it.

"I had the owl stuffed, and since that time he has had a place in the cab of my engine. I owe my life to the superstition about owls, and if another one strikes my engine I will close the throttle at once." — New Orleans Times-Democrat.

Oregon's Vigorous Old Men

1902

A well-known citizen of 77 years who had been out in the country, and had a large paper sack of mushrooms in his hand, which he had gathered himself, was standing at the corner of Fifth and Morrison streets, Saturday afternoon, waiting for a car. Another old-time citizen, who will be 80 in a few months, came to the same corner to wait for the same car. The man with the mushrooms exhibited them proudly, and said that they were to be put up in glass, adding that he had bought about 100 pounds in the market, which was already put up, but it was difficult to find really fresh ones. He then asked his friend of 79½: "Where have you been lately? I haven't seen you for a week or so." "I have been busy for a week," was the answer. "I had 12 cords of wood to put in, and it was so hard to find anyone to do it, I concluded to put it in myself." "Did you wheel it in in a wheelbarrow?" asked 77. "No, indeed; I had to carry it up a flight of 11 steps, two or three sticks at a time. I got in six cords in three days and finished the other six this afternoon, and so had the afternoon to come down town." As they boarded the car which came up a stranger, who had overheard their conversation, remarked: "By Jingo! they raise pretty husky old men here in Oregon."

Two Coincidence Stories

1900

Told In Good Faith In a Club Where All Romancing Is Barred

It was the secretary's turn to tell a yarn to his fellow members of the Coincidence club. The Coincidence club, by the way, has no cumbersome machines. It has members and officers, meets once a week to tell queer stories along the line suggested by its name, and everything but the strict truth is barred.

"I've got two stories, much alike, to tell. There's nothing dramatic or sensational about them. They struck me as queer, though. You know I'm a lawyer. One day a man named Dodge brought in a letter of introduction to me from a friend out west. He had a simple sort of a case, and I asked him to come back at 3 o'clock that afternoon. Then I went over to the criminal court on business that kept me till within a few minutes of 3 o'clock. As I entered my office there was a man sitting in the shadow. Without really looking at him, and with my mind full of the appointment, I said, as I went to my private office:

"How are you, Mr. Dodge. I'll see you in a minute."

"Pretty soon I rang and told the office boy to show in Mr. Dodge. The man came in, and he wasn't my Mr. Dodge at all. Imagine my surprise when he said:

"How did you know my name?"

"At the same time he handed me a letter of introduction from a friend. His name was Dodge all right, and he had a case. I gasped over the oddity of the situation, explained the coincidence to my visitor and even showed him the other letter of introduction. But the man did not believe me. He evidently thought I was a liar and left without putting his case in my hands. A few minutes later in came the first Mr. Dodge, and we had a good laugh over it.

"The other coincidence was this: I got letters from two friends, one west of Chicago and one south, asking me to collect claims against a big Chicago firm and a big insurance company with an agency in Chicago. I telephoned and made appointment with representatives of each of the concerns, one at 12 and the other at 12:30 o'clock. I went out on an errand and was delayed till 12:30 o'clock. When I came in, both men were waiting. Strange as it may seem both men were named Rose. I introduced them. One was originally from Rhode Island and the other from Connecticut As far as they could figure out they were not related. I've used false names, but otherwise the stories are strictly true and can be proved by evidence that will pass muster in a court of law." — Chicago Inter Ocean.

Early Days of the Great War

1905

"The volunteers," said the captain, "went into the army in 1861 with queer notions of military service. In the first year of the war I heard men well informed on general subjects contend that a commanding officer could not compel his men to march in the rain or to fight on Sunday or to make a campaign in winter. All these things they declared were in the army regulations, and if any general dared to disregard them there would be trouble.

"Before our company had been six months in the service it had made several forced marches in the rain, had waded rivers on three different occasions, had fought its bloodiest engagement on Sunday, and the boys had revised their army regulations to read, 'An officer may do with his men what he pleases, providing always that he licks the enemy.'

"At Stone River a captain of the best disciplined company in the regiment ordered his men, retreating in line, to stop and pull out a gun carriage jammed in between two trees. The captain and two men stepped out and the company went on. The captain and his two helpers were prisoners in five minutes, and word came to the company that the captain had sworn he would have them all punished for disobedience of orders as soon as he was released from prison.

"In due time he was released and returned to the regiment in a new uniform. He came up with the column just as the men had been ordered to throw up intrenchments, and when he reached his company the men were as muddy as so many ditchers. They suspended work only a minute to give the captain a cheer. In that minute the wag of the company asked: 'Where is the captain, Cap?' This forced the issue, and the captain, laughing, said the joke was on him. In fifteen minutes he was working as hard as his men, but his new uniform was a sight to behold." — Chicago Inter Ocean.

In the Jungle

1905

William Astor Chanler was one of the guests as a dinner given in Washington by Count Cassini. During this dinner a young woman congratulated Mr. Chanler on his energetic and successful life. She praised ardently his two books, "Through Jungle and Desert" and "Travels in Eastern Africa." Finally she asked him to describe a real typical jungle for her.

Mr. Chanler smiled. "A real jungle, a typical jungle?" he said. "Well, I should describe a jungle of that sort as a forest of fishhooks, relieved by an occasional patch of penknives."


Intelligence of Dogs

It is well known that dogs of certain breeds especially, have a considerable amount of intelligence. As the constant companion of man through generations the brain of the dog has been developing, until at the present time it is probable that this animal can be more easily trained than any other.

For something like eighty years the monks of St. Bernard have trained and used dogs to rescue travelers lost in the snow. In Europe many of the armies, inspired by this idea, employ dogs to seek out the wounded on the field of battle and thus aid in the work of the ambulance corps. In Germany dogs are attached to the ambulance service in many regiments, and were employed in the Herrero expedition in Africa. In Austria, France, Italy, Switzerland, Holland, Russia and America dogs are utilized in ambulance work.