Lost and Found

1916

Ralph was kicking up the dust along the road on the way home from the little corner store. Then he came upon a bundle lying in the road, where perhaps it had been dropped from a passing automobile. It was a long, knobby, interesting bundle, and he picked it up and ran the rest of the way home.

He gave mother the spool of thread, and then took the bundle out to the barn without saying anything about it. Then when he opened it he found a bow and a dozen arrows. Now for a month Ralph had been wanting a bow and arrows, and hinting to the family that they would be an acceptable gift. So far no one had taken the hint.

Yet here they were, almost as if they had dropped out of the sky. He handled them lovingly. He felt there was nothing else in the world he wanted so badly. He fitted an arrow in, and shot at the old straw hat that hung on the barn door. The arrow pierced the hat. It was a fine bow. He wanted to take it to the orchard and put up a mark to shoot at. But suppose the boy that really owned it should see him!

Then Ralph was ashamed. The bow was not his. He was hiding in the barn because he didn't dare let anybody see it. And the real owner probably was wishing for it very much. Ralph hushed that voice that said, "Finders, keepers."

"Things that you find don't belong to you unless you've tried to find the real owner and can't do it," said Ralph stoutly. And he knew that was right. He went outside. Nearly all the boys of that end of town were at the ball game over in Singer's pasture. Ralph went to one group after another. "I found a package in the road," he said. "Whoever lost it can have it if they describe it so I know it is theirs."

In the third group Jamie Rainess jumped up and ran to Ralph. "Say," he whispered, "was it a bow and arrows? I lost one today."

"Yes," said Ralph; "come over to the barn and I'll give it to you."

"That's the one," said Jamie as soon as he saw it. "My! but I felt awful to lose it. I'm glad to get it back. I just didn't know what to do about it."

But such an astonishing thing happened two days later. When Ralph came home from grandma's there was a shout of "Surprise!" and the house was full of boys and girls who had come for his birthday. And the present from Jamie was the same bow and arrows!

Just suppose Ralph hadn't given it back! — Christian Standard.

Prize For an Honest Man

1901

With $1,000 in lieu of a lantern Mrs. Nancy B. Irving, a book publisher of Chicago, has started out to emulate Diogenes in his search for an honest man. She believes it an impossibility to live a strictly honest business or professional life under present conditions. She offers to deposit $1,000 in a Chicago bank, which will be paid to the first business or professional man who can conclusively prove that he has carried on his work for a month without lying.

Hey, Diogenes!

1919

The Honest Man Is Found Among Alabama Moonshiners

ANNISTON, Ala. — The rugged honesty of the mountain folk who make "moonshine" and are caught at it by revenue men was shown when twelve of thirteen Federal prisoners began serving terms in the jail here. The thirteenth man sent word that he would be in as soon as he had finished killing some hogs and his cell has been made ready for him.

The men had all been convicted at the last term of Federal Court, and had been sentenced to thirty and sixty day terms in jail by Judge Walter I. Grubb. All of them are farmers and Judge Grubb allowed them to go to their homes and gather their crops before beginning their terms, each man giving his word that he would be on hand at the promised time.

—The Saturday Blade, Chicago, Jan. 3, 1920, p. 5.

Shrapnel (Pointed Humor)

1916

A doctor's pills may cure some ill — but not ill humor.

Courtship is a game in which a girl plays her heart against a man's diamond.

If women looked like the pictures in fashion magazines men would take to the woods.

It isn't necessary for a man to be a hypnotist in order to get his mind concentrated on the toothpick.

If time were money, the average man would have his watch geared to run forty-eight hours a day.

A young widow knows that the easiest way to catch a successor to the late lamented is to run away from him.

If the phoenix of common sense rises from the ashes of a fool's money the conflagration has not been in vain.

Possibly an honest man might be otherwise if an opportunity worth while were to knock at his front door.

An Arabian Druid in Paris

1905

Strange mystics are discovered in Paris every now and again. The latest is described as an Arabian Druid who inhabited the Rue de la Michodiere, a street in the center of the city.

His neighbors were startled at midnight to hear weird and discordant sounds issuing from the dwelling of Ali Bonem, followed by ritualistic incantations and liturgical chantings, alternatively plaintive and fierce. The reflection of flames was also observed.

When the door was burst open by the police a man of huge stature was seen, clothed in a long white sheet, his eyes rolling wildly, and in his hand a bloodstained knife. Around him a number of wax candles shed a mystic light, and on a piano, which had served as an altar, lay a disemboweled lamb. As a measure of precaution Al Bonem, the high priest, has been taken into custody. — London Globe.


Honesty Carried to Extremes

An American millionaire while driving an automobile in France ran over and killed a dog. Near the scene of the accident was a peasant, presumably the owner of the dog. To him the millionaire gave a bank note. But the peasant was not the owner of the dog and he was honest, but before he could make up his mind to return the money the automobile and its driver were beyond recall.

None the less the peasant would not keep the bill, and when the automobilist next rode past that place some months later he discovered the dog's skeleton at the side of the road with the bank note attached to it and a penciled line calling attention to the mistake.

Pats and Slaps

1909

People are sometimes "killed by kindness" — in books.

Charity is a cloak sometimes used to cover an amateur concert.

How did poor Eve manage to get along without complexion lotions?

Some women use a gallon of words to express a teaspoonful of thought.

When it comes to being charitable, most of us have wonderful self-control.

The income tax is popular with the majority because it only hits the minority.

And many a man does his growling at home because he is afraid to growl anywhere else.

Some people would be able to acquire a lot of knowledge if they didn't think they knew it all.

Nothing annoys the average woman more than to have a clerk try to hurry her along when she is shopping.

The dictionary doesn't say anything about the mother of ten children being a heroine, but that's just what she is.

"Old Moneybags is afraid that prince he bought for his daughter is a bogus one."
"Why so?"
"When it came to settling up he asked for the prince's debts, and the fellow told him he hadn't any."

Sapleigh — The doctor says there's something the matter with my head.
Sharp — You surely didn't pay a doctor, to tell you that!

"In places of trust women are said to be more honest than men."
"Why?"
"Oh, they have no women to steal for."

"Man was made to mourn," quoted the moralizer.
"Yes," rejoined the demoralizer, "and woman was made to see that he does it."

Oxpropylendlisoamylamine is the name of a new heart stimulant. The dose is one syllable three times a day after meals.

Advice Worth Reading, Heeding for Good Business, Success

1878

It is easier to be a good business man than a poor one. Half the energy displayed in keeping ahead that is required to catch up when behind will save credit, give more time to business, and add to the profit and reputation of your work. Honor your engagements. If you promise to meet a man, or do a certain thing at a certain moment, be ready at the appointed time.

If you go out on business, attend promptly to the matter in hand, and then as promptly go ahead on your own business. Do not stop to tell stories in business hours. If you have a place of business, be found there when wanted. No man can get rich by sitting around stores and saloons. If you have to labor for a living, remember that one hour in the morning is better than two at night.

If you employ others, be on hand to see that they attend to their duties, and to direct with regularity, promptness and liberality. Do not meddle with any business you know nothing of. Time is money. Never use quick words, or allow yourself to make hasty or ungentlemanly remarks to those in your employ, for to do so lessens their respect for you and your influence over them.

Help yourself and others will help you. Be faithful over interests confided to your keeping, and in all good time your responsibilities will be increased. Do not be in too great haste to get rich. Do not build until you have arranged and laid a good foundation. Do not — as you hope to work for success — spend time in idleness. If your time is your own, business will suffer if you do; if it is given to another for pay, it belongs to him, and you have no more right to steal it than you have money.

Be obliging. Strive to avoid harsh words and personalities. Do not kick every stone in the path; many miles can be made in a day by going steadily on. Pay as you go. A man of honor respects his word as he does his bond. Ask but never beg. Help others when you are able; but never give when you cannot afford to, simply because it is fashionable. Learn to say "no." No necessity for snapping it out; but say it firmly and respectfully.

Have but few confidants, and the fewer the better. Use your own brains rather than those of others. Learn to think and act for yourself. Be vigilant. Keep ahead rather than behind the times.

A Case Where Honesty Was Not the Best Policy

1920—

Wanted To Buy Some Poison

A Case Where Honesty Was Not the Best Policy

A Blade reader in Ruatan, Honduras, Central America, sends in this good one:

Recently a small farmer in Honduras called at a city drug store and asked for some poison with which to kill wild animals that were destroying his poultry. On being informed that no poison could be sold without a personal recommendation from the mayor of the town, he went in search of that functionary and soon returned with the following note:

"Please give Mr. W---- a little poison, as he is an honest man."

The note was signed by the mayor.


Gets a Lesson in "Honesty"

At Same Time Learns a Trick in Apple Packing

Two piles of apples lay on the ground. One contained a large-size and rosy selection; the fruit of the other was green and small.

"Large on the top and small at the bottom," inquired the new assistant of his master, as he prepared to fill a barrel.

"Certainly not!" replied the farmer, virtuously. "Honesty is the best policy, my boy. Put the little apples at the top and the large ones at the bottom."

The assistant complied. His master was evidently as green as his greenest fruit.

"Is the barrel full, my lad?" asked the farmer.

"Yes," answered the assistant.

"Good!" said the farmer. "Now turn it upside down and label it."

--The Saturday Blade, Chicago, May 22, 1920, page 9.