More Jokes

1916

The Short Course

When James A. Garfield was president of Oberlin college, a man brought for entrance as a student his son, for whom he wished a shorter course than the regular one.

"The boy can never take all that in," said the father. He wants to get through quicker. Can you arrange it for him?"

"Oh, yes," said Mr. Garfield. He can take a shorter course; it all depends on what you want to make of him. When God wants to make an Oak, He takes a hundred years, but He takes only two months to make a pumpkin."


Young Poultryman

The teacher had recited "The Landing of the Pilgrims." Then she requested each pupil to draw from his or her imagination a picture of Plymouth Rock.

Most of them went to work at once, but one little fellow hesitated, and at length raised his hand.

"Well, Willie, what is it?" asked the teacher.

"Please, ma'am, do you want us to draw a hen or a rooster?"


A Blunder

It was bathing time and from the bedroom of twin boys came the sound of hearty laughter and long crying. Their father went up to find the cause. "What's the matter up here?" he inquired.

The laughing twin pointed to his weeping brother. "Nothing," he giggled; "only nurse has given Alexander two baths and hasn't given me any at all."


Nothing Very Serious

Mrs. Casey — Och, Pat, whin the docther told yez ye had something wid a Latin name to it a yar-rd long, didn't it scare yez?
Casey — Faith, it did, Norah, darlint. But whin he only charged me a dollar, Oi knew it didn't amount to much.

A Remarkable Pilgrim — 103, Walks Long Way, Fails

1900

Aged Woman Determined to See Paris Exposition

An almost incredible story comes from France of the resolution and energy of an old Alsatian woman who was determined to see the exposition. She was found, exhausted by hunger and fatigue, on a road in the department of the Marne.

When her strength had been restored somewhat by medical treatment and food she told the following story: She was born in Alsace on January 2, 1797, and is therefore 103 years old. Seized with a burning desire to see the exposition, she had left Alsace two weeks before, intending to walk all the way to Paris, for she had a horror of railroads, and, besides was poor.

She had accomplished more than half the journey and had walked more than 150 miles. On her shoulders she carried her luggage, two bundles weighing fifty-nine livres (pounds). Her money, which she carried in a handkerchief, was a trifling burden, as it consisted of one 2-franc piece. In this financial condition it is needless to add that the courageous old woman had resolved at the outset not to enter an inn or restaurant during her journey. She subsisted entirely on bread and cheese, slept in barns when she could or in default of shelter passed the night under the trees by the wayside.

As soon as she had recovered her senses — for she was unconscious when found — she wished to resume her journey, and it was difficult to make her understand that Paris was yet a long way off. At last she understood and seemed resigned to her failure.


Origin of the Chinese Queue

The custom of Chinamen wearing pigtails is not ancient, considering the period that China has existed as a nation. It dates from 1627, when the Manchus, who then commenced the contest of the Celestial Empire, enforced this fashion of doing the hair as a sign of degradation. The average queue is three feet long, and, reasoning that the adult Chinamen number 200,000,000, we get a united pigtail measuring 113,636 miles long, sufficient to go four and a half times round the earth! — Golden Penny.

Jerusalem A Place of Woe

Holy City and Its Inhabitants Fallen on Evil Ways.

Miss Helen M. Smith entertained a large company in the ballroom of the Tuileries this morning by an animated description of the far eastern countries, says the Boston Transcript. She presented pictures of places rich in classic and biblical interest - Constantinople, Smyrna (where the tomb of Polycarp is), the ruins of the temple of Diana at Ephesus, Jaffa and Jerusalem were all described in wonderfully entertaining fashion.

There was a narration of the gradual climb of four hours to the latter city which is 3,000 feet above the sea. Great areas of brilliant red flowers, "the lilies of the field," make a striking impression during this journey. "Jerusalem," said Miss Smith, "cannot fail to disappoint - grieve one with ideals. There is so much dirt, depravity and deceit; so many Calvaries, so many graves from which the stone was rolled away! There is only one Gethsemane, but it is a tawdry, artificial place - in no sense the secluded spot where 'the suffering Savior wept alone.' The Mount of Olives probably looks as it did 1,900 years ago. It was, indeed, the only place where I felt reverence for the holy land. From it I could see the River Jordan, the Dead sea, and follow, in fancy, the wandering step of Abraham and feel the influence of the prophets of old.

"Jerusalem to-day is surely in need of an enlightened prophet who will rid the city of its filth, bring healthy conditions to its half-blind children, and a better sense of right to its morally depraved people. Here, where the best examples of Christianity should be shown are seen the worst. Never mind where the actual cross borne along the Via Dolorosa, the cross of ignorance that is crushing the people should he lifted. All ways in Jerusalem today are ways of sorrow."

--Suburbanite Economist, Chicago, May 10, 1907, page 3.