More Jokes

1916

The Short Course

When James A. Garfield was president of Oberlin college, a man brought for entrance as a student his son, for whom he wished a shorter course than the regular one.

"The boy can never take all that in," said the father. He wants to get through quicker. Can you arrange it for him?"

"Oh, yes," said Mr. Garfield. He can take a shorter course; it all depends on what you want to make of him. When God wants to make an Oak, He takes a hundred years, but He takes only two months to make a pumpkin."


Young Poultryman

The teacher had recited "The Landing of the Pilgrims." Then she requested each pupil to draw from his or her imagination a picture of Plymouth Rock.

Most of them went to work at once, but one little fellow hesitated, and at length raised his hand.

"Well, Willie, what is it?" asked the teacher.

"Please, ma'am, do you want us to draw a hen or a rooster?"


A Blunder

It was bathing time and from the bedroom of twin boys came the sound of hearty laughter and long crying. Their father went up to find the cause. "What's the matter up here?" he inquired.

The laughing twin pointed to his weeping brother. "Nothing," he giggled; "only nurse has given Alexander two baths and hasn't given me any at all."


Nothing Very Serious

Mrs. Casey — Och, Pat, whin the docther told yez ye had something wid a Latin name to it a yar-rd long, didn't it scare yez?
Casey — Faith, it did, Norah, darlint. But whin he only charged me a dollar, Oi knew it didn't amount to much.

Twins Puzzle Father; He Makes New Will

1912

Unable to Distinguish Sons Apart, He Finds He Had Put Error Into Document

Fort Worth, Tex. — John Cobb Harris, a wealthy Mansfield farmer, came to Fort Worth to make a new will because he was unable to tell his twin sons apart. The will he destroyed gave John Harris certain property and Cobb, the other twin, property just opposite to his own desires.

Harris's sons are 22 years of age, and among the most remarkable twins in the country. Both are six feet six inches tall and muscular. With their hats on their father cannot tell one from the other.

The twins keep a common bank account, and always speak of "our money," "our horse," and even "our girl," as they frequently play a joke on their sweethearts by exchanging them.

Eccentricities of Maiden Ladies Amused Eastern Town

1896

A Pair of Twins

The curious streak of obstinacy which crops out in many New England families, especially in small places, where the range of ideas and occupations is small, has been brought into prominence through the tales of a gifted group of story writers, notably by Miss Mary E. Wilkins. People living in other parts of the country often think her stories must be exaggerations, but dwellers in New England towns can parallel most of them from their own knowledge.

In one Massachusetts village there dwelt not many years ago two maiden ladies, called, though they were over forty years of age, "the Hatfield girls." Beside this youthful appellation, they retained a youthful taste for gay colors. As they were twins, very tall, very lean, always wearing skirts conspicuously short to avoid dust, and hat brims unusually wide to avoid injuring their eyes, they would have been rather remarkable figures even if they had not chosen to dress, school girl fashion, in clothes exactly alike to the slightest detail.

They were always together, and it was one of the characteristic sights of the village to see the Hatfield girls plodding through the snow to the postoffice in their green-and-red plaid gowns, black-braided coats and big, brown, fuzzy felt hats with great pea-green bows. Their muffs, mittens, tippets, wristers, barege veils, even their rubber boots, were duplicates of each other. In fact the sisters were as absolutely alike as the twin paper dolls which little girls cut from a piece of paper folded double.

In summer it was the same. They floated by to church in duplicate blue muslins, or watered their flower beds in the early morning in indistinguishable hideous purple wrappers.

Suddenly, the village was stirred by an exciting event: the Hatfield girls had quarreled! They quarreled because Mary Abby, who overheard a small boy making jokes at their expense, suggested to Ann Eliza that perhaps it would be as well if henceforth they dressed just a little differently. Ann Eliza received the suggestion as the cruelest of insults; but she said hotly that, after that, she wouldn't for a kingdom wear a dress off the same piece as Mary Abby's.

Sure enough, the sisters ceased to dress alike. Furthermore, they did not dress harmoniously. They were together as much as ever — but if Mary Abby wore pink, Ann Eliza had on scarlet; if she wore green. Ann Eliza wore blue; if it were yellow, she decked herself in magenta; if it were brown or gray, she tried to get a shade of the same color that would make her sister's appear dingy and faded.

It was a war of colors waged furiously for a week, bitterly for a month, spitefully for a year; then perseveringly, resolutely, obstinately, for one — two — three — four — five years; from five to ten; ten to twelve; twelve to thirteen.

Neither sister would give in, for after a brief exhibition of colors Mary Abby had tried to fight her offended twin with her own weapons, and to array herself in hues too violent to be overwhelmed. They were as gay as parakeets, the two poor bitter old twins, and the interested village had quite given up expectation of a change, when at length a change came.

One morning the "Hatfield girls," side by side, and dressed in new and glossy black, entered the postoffice amid a crowd of staring villagers, and called for their mail. They were in mourning evidently — but nobody could think who had died. At length the postmistress ventured, to inquire.

"Yes," said Ann Eliza, soberly, smoothing down her new cape, "we are in mourning. It wa'n't strictly necessary, I presume, but we thought it best. It's Cousin John's wife out in Montana. We've never seen her but we hear she was a very worthy woman, and a credit to the family."

And whether or not the Hatfield girls mourned deeply for the unknown wife of Cousin John, it is certain that for the remaining years of their lives their clothes were black, and were cut alike, and the village guessed that they had found a way to end their warfare, without acknowledging surrender, or proclaiming peace.

Twin Chickens from One Egg – Farmer Won't Sell Them

1899

Twin Chickens

Twenty-five dollars for a pair of spring chickens is a liberal price, yet a Massachusetts farmer rejected it. His pair of chickens, he thinks, are quite unique, for they are twins, five weeks old, and it is said that two chickens born from a single egg have never before been proved to live beyond eight days.

The buff brahma hen laid rather a large egg, yet no one thought much about it until one morning the farmer saw two bills instead of one trying to break out of the shell. He quickly removed the egg to the kitchen, extricated the two chicks, wrapped them in cotton batting, and placed them in the oven.

For three weeks the chickens were kept indoors on a diet of malted milk and brandy dropped down their throats with a medicine dropper. The twins are now hale and hearty, and run about the yard as vigorously as any of their comrades. One peculiarity, however, distinguishes them from their mates, They are exclusive little aristocrats and neither of them will associate with any other chicken except his twin. — Youth's Companion.

Busy Stork Brings Fourteen More to Virginia

1909

Busy Stork Brings 14

DANVILLE, Virginia — Two sets of triplets, three pairs of twins and two single babies, born to seven families in the same neighborhood on the same day, is the unprecedented record of Schoolfield, a suburb of Danville, in one day.

Mrs. John W. Yancy gave birth to triplets, two of which are living; Mrs. Jacob C. Brown, triplets, two of which are living; Mrs. J. W. Barber, twins, girl and boy; Mrs. Jane Anderson, twins, both boys; Mrs. P. P. Gridder, twins, boy and girl, and two other women, daughters.


99 Candles on a Cake

WHITTIER, California — Ninety-nine candles, indicating the age of a charming Quaker, Mrs. Lydia Sharpless, blazed on the birthday cake which graced the center of a large table set in the dining room of the Friends' Church. Seventy-five of her descendants were present to offer congratulations to the lady, who clings to dress, manner and speech of the Friends of other days, but keeps informed as to events and movements of the present. She was born in Middletown, Ohio, but have lived in this city for many years.


Please, Mr. Comet, Don't You Kill Us

PROVIDENCE, Rhode Island — Frank E. Seagrave, a Providence astronomer, whose calculations relative to Halley's comet have attracted widespread attention, announces that the correction of a slight error in the calculations of the comet has developed the discovery that on May 19, 1910, the comet will reach the same plane as the earth in its orbit. It is thereby determined that the tail of the comet will sweep across the plane instead of clearing it. The earth and comet will meet on the same plane, but not in the same path. There will be a distance at the nearest point of 13,000,000 miles between the two.


16,000,000 Cents Coined

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With a total value of $929,269, there were 16,91,875 pieces of coin executed at the mints of the United States during September. Almost 16,000,000 1-cent pieces were turned out.


If a man is honest, you can always tell it by the way he doesn't talk about it.

Half Pound Baby Gets Along Nicely

1920

NEW YORK, N.Y. — Mr. and Mrs. Louis Ouisett are proud of being the parents of the littlest baby in New York. She is Jeanne Ouisett, and when she and her twin brother, Louis, were born Feb. 24 she weighed just under half a pound. Louis was bigger, tipping the scale at three-quarters of a pound, but he lacked the vitality of his sister and died a few hours after birth.

At the Bellevue Hospital the doctor and nurses believe the baby will live.



N.Y. Beds Too Short to Fit Tallest Yank

Brooklyn Pal Finally Leads Him to a "Rigged-Up" Couch

NEW YORK, N.Y. — Being the tallest man of the A. E. F. is something to be proud of, but it has its disadvantages when one goes looking for a place to sleep in this city.

Robert Redington of Pittston, Pa., former sergeant major in the 311th Artillery band, 79th Division, who is 6 feet 7, made the discovery on a recent night.

He finally appealed to Secretary James F. Drum at the K. of C. employment hut in Longacre square, who took Redington to his home in Brooklyn and managed to rig up a bed so his feet didn't stick out over the footboard.

Siamese Twins in Hospital; One Has Pneumonia

1936

NEW YORK, Nov, 18. — One Siamese twin has lobar pneumonia, while the other remains in perfect health in the New York hospital. They are occupying the same bed as they have done of necessity since they were born joined together, 26 years ago, in the Philippines.

The condition of Lucio Codina, who has pneumonia, was described here at the hospital as "critical" as a result of an eleven-day struggle with a developing chill which caused him — with his brother, Simplicio — to be brought to the hospital when they finally called in Dr. Benjamin Fabricant, who lives in the same house.

Since the brothers are joined only by a thick muscular coupling at the base of their spines, they do not share their ailments as do joined twins who have vital organs or blood circulation in common. They have spent their lives back to back, and it is in this position that they are confronting the present emergency.

They are attended by their wives, Natividad and Victorina, who are sisters. The Codino twins married them in Manila in 1929. To obtain the marriage license they had to appeal from the judgment of the license clerk who held that since the twins were not single they could not marry. The Philippine department of justice overruled the clerk.

Immediately thereafter, the quadruple newlyweds started on their honeymoon with a tour of appearances in theaters, vaudeville and motion picture houses through the United States and Canada.

—The Hammond Times, Hammond, IN, Nov. 18, 1936, p. 7.

Famous Composer Found His Bride in a Tomb

1915

Romance in Life of a Famous Venetian Composer — Sister Substituted Herself in Coffin

Benedetto Marcello, one of the most famous Venetian composers, fell in love with a beautiful girl named Leonora Manfritto, who married Paolo Seranzo, a Venetian noble. She died in a short time after her marriage, a victim of the harsh and jealous treatment of her husband.

Her body was laid out in state in one of the churches, and her lover actually succeeded in stealing the corpse and conveying it to a ruined crypt in one of the islands, and here he sat day and night by his lost love, singing and playing to her, as though by the force of his art he could recall her to life, says the London Telegraph.

Leonora had a twin sister, Eliade, who was so like her that her closest friends could scarcely distinguish them. One day Eliade heard a singer in a gondola singing so exquisitely that she traced the gondola to the deserted island, and then she learned later the fate of her sister's corpse and the identity of Marcello. Aided by a servant, Eliade substituted herself for her sister's body, and when Marcello returned and called Leonora to awake he did not ask in vain, for apparently she rose alive from her coffin. Marcello, when he found out the delusion, was quite satisfied and married Eliade, but his happiness was short lived, as he died a few years afterward.

—New Smyrna Daily News, New Smyrna Beach, Florida, October 29, 1915, page 4.