The Queer Joke That Eugene Field Played on a Printer

1907

A Maddening Prank

When Eugene Field was city editor of the Kansas City Times he found great amusement in annoying one of the characters employed on the paper. Ferguson was one of the "makeups" on the paper, and in Wyandotte, where he resided, just over the line from Kansas City, he was the leader of a local temperance society. For over a year Field, on coming down to the paper to go to work, would write a personal concerning Ferguson. Generally it ran like this: "Mr. John Ferguson, the well known 'makeup' of the Times composing room, appeared for work yesterday evening in his usual beastly state of intoxication." This entertaining bit Field would send down in a bundle of copy, and the others of the composing room would set it up and say nothing.

Poor Ferguson knew that this awful personal was in their midst and every night would go carefully over every galley for the purpose of locating and killing it. It gave him vast trouble. Every now and then Field would not write his personal about Ferguson, and then the bewildered Ferguson was worse off than ever. As long as he could not find it it might still be there. It almost drove the poor man off the paper. Now and then it escaped his eagle eye and was printed. On such occasions Ferguson's burdens were beyond the power of even a Christian spirit to bear.

Of Interest To Drunkards

1900

Vaccination May Enable Us to Drink Rum

It seems that the advance of medical science may yet allow a man to be vaccinated for the "rum habit" so that he will be immune. Not immune in the way that a "Keeley graduate" is — with a lost desire for drink — but in such a manner that he will be able to drink enough to kill an ordinary man and not suffer any ill effects.

Dr. Reynold Webb Wilcox, in writing of "Recent Advances in Medical Science" in the International Monthly, says: "The work of Ehrlich showed that the antitoxins may be produced in the blood by successively increased doses of ricin and abrin. Maramaldi applied the same line of reasoning to alcohol. Increasing doses of ordinary alcohol, well diluted, were administered to dogs through an oesophageal tube until tolerance was established for a larger than an ordinary lethal dose. The blood serum of these animals was employed in the experimentation.

"His conclusions were: (1) It is possible to confer a real immunity on dogs by administering progressively increasing doses of this poison, ultimately reaching very large doses without producing functional disturbances or organic degenerations. (2) The serum of such a dog rendered immune to alcohol, contains a special antitoxin, capable of neutralizing the toxic action of a dose of alcohol one-fourth larger than the minimum fatal dose. (3) Normal blood serum does not possess the power of augmenting the organic resistance to alcohol, much less does it explain the curative action in acute poisoning." — New York Press.


Aphorisms

Be a philosopher; but, amidst all your philosophy, be still a man. — Hume.

There is no friendship, no love, like that of parent for child. — H. W. Beecher.

To persevere in one's duty and be silent is the best answer to calumny. — George Washington.

Good humor and generosity carry the day with the popular heart all the world over. — Alexander Smith.

To improve the golden moment of opportunity, and catch the good that is within our reach, is the great art of life. — Johnson.

Ether — Latest Vice in France

1910

Paris. — Compared to the new vice which has broken out in France, that of taking ether, drinking absinthe and injecting morphine are virtues. This most modern vice has already assumed abnormal proportions, probably because the sale of ether is free.

Consumers of ether begin by breathing its vapor. Soon this pleasing effect wears off, then they drink it, The consumption of ether is not confined to any special class of society. It is asserted that 40 per cent of the poorer classes who go to the dispensary of the prefect of police are ether fiends.

Physicians say that a pint and three-quarters is as much as anyone can safely take in a day. However, druggists say that they have customers who use about four times that amount.


Drink Scourge in France

What the French call "alcoholisme" has grown to be a dreadful scourge, and a direful portent for the future of the people. In some parts of France the very medical men must be consulted early in the day if they are to be found sober. — Church Quarterly Review.


"Thank God" for Faults!

Thank God we do not live with saints! We live with people full of faults, and it is excellent, for the faults of others serve us either by imposing a salutary constraint or by the lesson that they give. — Paris Figaro.

She Stops Traffic To Light Her "Fag"

March 1920

KANSAS CITY, Missouri — Street car traffic on a busy street was tied up while a young woman smoked a cigarette. It wouldn't have been so bad if she hadn't chosen to sit down on the street car track and light her "fag." She made matters worse when, after an argument with an angry motorman, she blandly asked him for a match to light a second cigarette.

Dick Allen, former policeman, removed the young woman from the track and escorted her to the police station.

"You're stewed," remarked the booking clerk.

"You tell 'em; I stutter," she said, as she was led away to the matron's room to sober up.


Inmates of Jail Escape

STEUBENVILLE, Ohio — Sheriff W. T. Baker woke on a recent morning to find the county jail empty. Some time after midnight the eight prisoners sawed and cut their way to liberty.


New Electric Dental Engine

A new electric dental engine runs on either direct or alternating current or on that supplied by dry batteries where no other supple of electricity is available.

Laughing Gas Jags College Students

Feb. 1920

University Men Have Lively Scientific Experiment

LOS ANGELES, Cal. -- Scores of Occidental College men students took advantage of the opportunity of becoming intoxicated under jurisdiction of the faculty, and they apparently enjoyed it thoroughly.

"Laughing gas" caused the intoxication of at least half of the men students. Dr. Elbert E. Chandler, head of the department of chemistry at the college, administered the gas as a demonstration to the students to show how it affects them.

Athlete Becomes Bird

"Bobby" Hadden, captain of the basketball team, was the first. The gas transformed him into a bird, and he flew all over the campus. When he came from under the influence of the gas he was several blocks away chatting with a street light.

Louis McKellar, another student, upon taking the gas, began to call for a "seven" or "eleven."

Frank Carpenter played leapfrog and tried to climb several trees.

Andrew Grube ably fought and conquered an imaginary Jack Dempsey.

He Runs a Mile

Roscoe Alcock ran a mile race.

Bill Burns danced a jig.

"Andy" Dunlap just laughed.

"Buzz" Walker and "Bill" Work scared the girls.

Irye Townsend hunted for goldfish in the drinking fountain.

Socialist Learns Not To Discuss Politics During War

Indiana, 1917

THIS IS NO TIME TO DISCUSS POLITICS

Thomas McGuire, Socialist, Learned a "Bit" on Friday

When a common purpose wells in every man's breast is no time to argue politics, admits J. T. McGuire, 2017 Walton avenue, carpenter and socialist.

McGuire leaned heavily on the bar of a down town saloon Friday night and boisterously mentioned that the young men who are flocking to the colors in answer to the war call are "dubs, because they don't know what they are going to fight about."

Several citizens attacked the man and Patrolman Brandt arrived just in time to quiet talk about forming a lynching party. McGuire was taken to jail on a charge of intoxication, pleaded guilty to the complaint in police court Saturday morning and was fined $5 and costs. He paid his fine.

"I am through talking politics until this war is over," McGuire told reporters after the court session. "This is no time to start an argument."

Henry Bair, who was also taken on an intoxication charge and who admitted that he attacked McGuire, "for insulting our loyal lads," was released by Judge Kerr.

—The Fort Wayne Sentinel, Fort Wayne, Indiana, April 7, 1917, p. 18.

2-Year-Old Child Declared Intoxicated, Also Parents

1909

Baby Drunk; Also Parents

CHICAGO — The 2-year-old son of Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Doyle was declared to be intoxicated when taken to the City Relief Hospital by the police. Doyle and his wife were arrested at Clark and Lake streets, Chicago. The woman, intoxicated, had fallen asleep on the sidewalk and her husband was on the curbing in the same condition, the child was clinging to his neck. The parents were locked up at the Harrison street station, and after the child was cared for at the hospital it was placed in the care of the police matron. Doyle gave his age as 26, but could not tell where he lived.

—The Saturday Blade, Chicago, Oct. 9, 1909, p. 1.


Drinks Iodine for Cider

LOS ANGELES, Cal., Oct. 7 — The filing of a death notice disclosed a peculiar case of accidental poisoning. Mrs. Katherine F. Lynch of New York, a guest at a hotel, went to the pantry of her apartment last Sunday to take a drink of cider and in the darkness drank iodine. She died 24 hours later.


Had 4 Wives; 35 Children

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah — A. Milton Musser, 70 years old, assistant historian of the Mormon Church and one of the early pioneers of Utah, died, following an operation for intestinal trouble. He had four wives and was the father of thirty-five children.

Court Sentences Drunks, Post-Graduate Work for One

Fort Wayne, Indiana, 1908

BILL HICKS WAS DRUNK WHEN HE TOOK THE TWO RAZORS

Judge Read the Riot Act to Old Timer — The City Court.

"I got nothin' to say only I wouldn't a-done it if I hadn't been drunk," was the only excuse Bill Hicks had to offer Judge Skelton in the city court this morning where he was arraigned for stealing Ben F. McAtee's barber tools after the owner had taken a "stand off" for a hair cut.

"Trouble with you, Bill, you are always drunk," said the judge, "and that's no excuse. I'll just give you five and costs and sixty days for this and when you get out you want to be pretty careful or you'll go back and serve that four months' suspended sentence I've got pickled for you."

Bill had nothing to say. The razors were recovered and the owner got them back, while Bill was marched to his cell preparatory to seventy-five days in jail.

Just Some Drunks.

William McGuire, from up north, got all tangled up about the trolley cars yesterday and when the Toledo and Chicago was tied up he kept asking questions and sandwiching drinks between his visits to the ticket window. Finally he got along to a point where he wanted to run the road and about that time Patrolman Elliott landed him. He drew $1 and costs.

Frank Trunnell was the name of a much-befogged individual picked up near Huntertown yesterday by Deputy Sheriff Hughes. He didn't seem to know just where he was "at" and he got eleven days to straighten him out.

William Timmons, who has been for several days taking a course of treatment at Sheriff Grice's delirium tremens cure, was fined $5 and costs so as to give him a chance to take post graduate course. He had been on a big spree and was seeing things.

—The Fort Wayne Sentinel, Fort Wayne, Indiana, October 3, 1908, page 2.

When Women Should Drink

1903

It Is Better If They Leave Ardent Spirits Alone

That many society women drink ardent spirits, and sometimes to excess, is a well known fact. They have many opportunities for indulgence in this form of dissipation that the men do not imagine exist. Of course, the society woman does not "drink" in the sense in which the hag in the slum and the bibulous cook do. She is too careful of her sylphlike figure and of her porcelain skin to indulge in much champagne, and she has enough to make her nervous about whisky, but what she does take is a sip of liquor here and a tumblerful of Madeira there and a drop or two of cognac in her coffee after luncheon, and maybe a cocktail to give her an appetite for dinner. This all counts up at the end of the day, and after a while madam feels the need of her little fillips and encouragers in order to enable her to carry out the exacting routine of her busy social life. She doesn't realize that she drinks. But stimulate she certainly does.

Living as she does in an electric atmosphere and under highly unwholesome and artificial conditions, with nerves always strung to the highest state of tension and ever looking out for some new form of excitement, it is almost inevitable that artificial stimulants should be reported to in order to enable the jaded human organization to meet the excessive demands that are made upon it. From morning until night, and often through the night, as well, there is one long round of worry and excitement.

The demands of fashionable society are so exacting that even the simplest things become either fatiguing or exciting. The mere act of dressing, for instance, which has to be repeated several times in the day, makes a severe call upon the strength of a delicate woman, even if she has a clever maid to assist her, and after having been laced into her armor of satin and lace and had her head coiffed elaborately she is too tired to go out without having recourse to a nip of cognac or cordial to brace her up and give her courage to face the world with the stereotyped smile of amiability expected from her.

Then there are the ordeals of shopping and trying on. Standing on high heels and in a tightly-laced corset — straight-front hygienists notwithstanding — to have a heavy velvet gown fitted in a superheated room is an ordeal that would cause most men to topple over and faint. But the poor fashionable lady has to stand it and perhaps drive off to pay a half dozen calls after she has been dismissed by the dressmaker. But the dressmaker knows the psychological moment when the customer is just on the verge of fainting or hysterics, and comes forward with an offer of a glass of Benedictine or the "finest drop" of green Chartreuse, and her fair customer finds it so grateful and comforting that on her next visit she looks out for it as a matter of course, and in a short time starts a bottle in her own room, if she has not already done so.

The high-sounding names of the various expensive liqueurs have such a distinguished ring about them that it never occurs to the lady who is consuming them that she "drinks." Some women delude themselves still further by drinking eau de cologne or some other perfume on the assumption that a pick-me-up of this kind is quite harmless, whereas, if anything, it is more deadly than the other.

Of course, it is not suggested for moment that all women who have recourse to this kind of thing go the length of making themselves intoxicated. But they do often get as far as acquiring a color and sparkle in the eye and a style of conversation, all of which are quite foreign to their real nature, and the effect in the long run is bound to be unmanageable nerves, if nothing worse.

Young Man Dies of Exposure, Farmer Turned Him Out of the House

Stout, Iowa, 1903

FOUND DEAD IN BUGGY SHED

Unknown Man Turned Out of Farmer's Home at Stout Dies of Exposure.

Dike, March 3. — A case of alleged inhuman treatment resulting in the death of a young man and subsequent developments have aroused considerable indignation at Stout, a village seven miles north of here, near where the affair took place.

A young man whose identity is not known appeared in that vicinity and secured employment as a farm hand on the farm of Claus De Vrise. Friday night the farm hand and De Vrise's son went to the town of Stout and the farm hand became intoxicated. It is not known whether the son had been drinking, but the two had some misunderstanding and when they arrived home, it is stated, De Vrise turned the hired man out of the house, he now claims, because of his intoxicated condition.

The young man was attired only in his overalls, shirt and a thin pair of socks. The young man was drunk and wandered to a buggy shed, where he fell asleep in a pool of water. The next morning De Vrise noticed the man lying in the shed and sent to Stout for the constable to arrest him. When the constable arrived, however, the man was dead.

De Vrise by this time had evidently become alarmed and a hurried consultation was held. No official inquest was held, and after the conference the body was carried to town, placed in a binder crate and taken to the depot, where they asked Agent Walker which would be the cheapest way to ship the corpse to Iowa City, by freight or express.

The agent refused to ship the body until he had a physician's certificate as to the cause of death and the body was properly boxed for shipment. It is said that this was done and that the remains have been sent to Des Moines, presumably to a medical college.

Nothing can be learned as to the young man's identity. The case has excited a great deal of talk. The treatment he was accorded by De Vrise and the haste exhibited in trying to get his remains out of the way has aroused the indignation of many and it is probable an investigation will be set on foot.

—Davenport Daily Republican, Davenport, Iowa, March 4, 1903, page 2.


It May Be Manslaughter.

Stout, March 7. — Claude De Vrise, a farmer of this community is likely to have to answer to the charge of manslaughter. De Vrise employed an unknown man as a farm hand. The hand went to town and became intoxicated and when he came home was turned from the house by his employer. In his drunken condition he lay down in his buggy shed in the cold and died. He was found by his employer who placed the body in a binder box and shipped it to Des Moines supposedly to a medical college. The neighbors have asked the coroner to investigate.

—Dubuque Telegraph-Herald, Dubuque, Iowa, March 7, 1903, page 5.


Inhuman Treatment of a Young Man at Stout.

From the New Hartford Review we glean the following ghastly details of a strange case near the new town of Stout, in the southern part of Butler county. The Review says:

Excitement has been running riot in the little town of Stout since Friday night, over the alleged inhuman treatment of a young man, which resulted in his death. At the hour of going to press the Review is unable to say what the final outcome of the affair will be.

A few days ago a young man, whose identity is not known, appeared in that vicinity and secured employment...

[From there the article repeats the details above, with DeVries' name having this more likely spelling.]

—The Iowa Recorder, Greene, Iowa, March 1, 1903, page 1.

Judge Plays Racy Society - Thorkildsen Case

1920

Judge Plays Racy Society

Decree In Borax King Divorce Case Excoriates Social Conditions Among Wealthy

LOS ANGELES, Feb. 24.-—The decision of Judge Works in the famous Thorkildsen divorce case, read from the bench at the conclusion of a sensational trial lasting twenty days, mercilessly flayed not only both principals in the case but as well most of those who figured in the case as members of the fast society set to which the Thorkildsens belong. He awarded Mrs. Thorkildsen the degree, $30,000 as her share of community property, $15,000 alimony payable in sixty monthly installments and $10,000 attorney's fees, roughly one-tenth of what she asked in a money way.

"The court's opinion embodied a terrific excoriation of social conditions such as were described in the case and which he declared were largely the fruits of alcohol and of great wealth in the hands of persons who do not know how to use it. Aside from the financial findings the court's rulings on the disputed points were as follows:

There were no acts of cruelty such as were mutually charged, except the one involving the transmission of diseases, as both principals were inordinate consumers of alcohol and "wallowed in the same trough."

He was the "donor" of the ailment which figured so extensively in the case.

Mrs. Thorkildsen's suit was filed in Good faith and she was not guilty of desertion.

He was guilty of misconduct with Mrs. Agnes Smith.

Both sides expressed themselves as satisfied with the findings.

Following is Judge Works' opinion:

In an experience of twenty-eight years at the bar and on the bench, I have never known the air of a courtroom to be burdened with the recital of such a mass o£ shocking and unprintable testimony. The columns of the newspapers of the city have been filled daily with startling stories of facts brought out at the trial, but the genius of newspaper management notwithstanding the frankness of the press of today, has balked at a reproduction of the real details of the evidence.

A faithful report of the trial would have made the vulgarities of Rabelais and Laurence Sterne seem, by comparison, like the pruderies of Jane Austen or the prosiness of Henry James. The personification of vice and licentiousness stalks through the pages of the record that has been made here. We who have worked together for these four weeks have heard from the witness stand, in a crowded courtroom, things of which one would hardly think, in the secret recesses of his own soul, without turning out his lights and locking his doors.

—The Evening State Journal and Lincoln Daily News, Lincoln, Nebraska, February 24, 1920, page 2.

Appetite for Peyote Seeds Up Since Prohibition

1922

NORTHWESTERHERS ARE EATING PEYOTE SEEDS

Since the Prohibition Laws New Appetite Has Gone Even to the Orient.

A new form of intoxication, viewed as a social menace among Northwest Indians and Orientals in Washington, is the eating of peyote or button-like seeds of an Arizona cactus.

Thousands of these types of Northwest inhabitants are now alleged to be peyote drug fiends, a spree occurring several times a year and lasting many weeks. The effect of the cactus button on its victims is sleeplessness, morbidness and an increased mental desire for hilarity and games of chance.

The peyote is a pear-shaped species of cactus common in parts of the Southwest. The top bears seeds resembling red-coat buttons. These are sold by pickers to dealers for $2 per thousand.

The button-like seeds are generally eaten in the dry, brittle state, from 5 to 50 in a single night.

From time immemorial the peyote has been used in the Southwest among the aborigines and Mexicans for producing an intoxication of soul and body to aid them in gambling, dancing, or ill-timed deeds.

Since the abolition of liquor and the ban on narcotics, the peyote fans gradually moved northward along with other vile drugs. The consumption of this bean has invaded the Northwest to Alaska, and many bushels of the peyote buttons have been taken to the Orient.

—Oneonta Daily Star, Oneonta, New York, April 24, 1922, page 7.