Comets Composed Merely of Dust

1911

Editorial Briefs

By an astronomer it is alleged that because comets are composed merely of dust collisions with them need not be feared. Just the same they give the solar system the appearance of needing a vacuum cleaner.

A foot race has been arranged for one-legged men from Minneapolis to St. Louis. And thus the great work of the twentieth century goes on.

Sir Hiram Maxim is still singing the praises of that great American dish — pork and beans. Some of these days the humble and much-abused pie will find an authority abroad who will suddenly elevate it to the heights, and make us ashamed that familiarity and tradition have made us belittle the hidden sweetness and light we have with us.

A jilted Brooklyn man is suing the fickle fair one for the time lost in courting her. She pleads by way of defense a woman's inalienable right to the pursuit of happiness by changing her mind. In face of this constitutional right the unlucky swain has no case. All the courts appealed to on this issue have hitherto upheld this right, which, indeed, antedates everything but the creation.

A Pickerel Thought His Nose Was Bait

1911

Editorial Briefs

Winsted, Conn., has a fisherman who claims to have caught a pickerel because the latter mistook his nose for bait and jumped at it. It strikes us that said fisherman must have consumed a vast amount of bait to acquire a nose so brilliant that a pickerel would jump at it.

A New York physician promises to make bad boys good by proper breathing. It is a far cry from a strap in the woodshed to a breathing exercise.

Under the new law it costs $10 to carry a pistol in New York instead of only $2.50. But those who expect to see the difference reflected in a decrease of shooting affrays will probably be disappointed. If the fee was a million, and it was not enforced more strictly than the $2.50 one, it would be just as ineffectual.

A New York office boy made $50,000 speculating on Wall street, but they got $20,000 of it away from him the next day — and he is still fooling around in Wall street.

In New York a woman is trying to prove that she loved a man and she offers in evidence letters in which she called him her "ugly monkey" and her "curly bear." It must be splendid to be loved like that.

She Shot Him Just for Fun

1911

The Editor Muses

A St. Louis woman, asked why she shot her husband, said she did it "just for fun." And yet they say women have no sense of humor.

The agitation to make the upper berth lower continues; but no matter at what figure they fix the price it will still be high.

A St. Louis man made his wife cut his hair. Barbering, however, will never be included in any domestic science course.

There is a woman wireless operator. The old saw must be amended to read: "What man has done, a woman can and will do."

Fashionable women in the national capital climb the Washington monument to reduce their flesh. Thus does the uplift reach society.

A woman of ninety-one in Massachusetts wants to go up in a balloon. Another example of how people are as young in times as they want to be.

If a girl has a grown up brother she acquires a pretty fair knowledge of men without having to pass through the agonies of matrimony.

Whoso neglects learning in his youth, loses the past and is dead for the future. — Euripides.

Civilization Flying Merrily Along

1911

Editorial Winks

Siam is to have an aviation week, and so the march of up-to-date civilization goes — or rather flies — merrily on.

The United States Army wants aeroplanes. They will probably be manned by the flying divisions.

Winter may be trying to keep it up until March. It began early and it has been told throughout.

The new census of Berlin and its suburbs shows a population of 3,400,000. It is camping on New York's trail.

Over-study killed a promising youth in Baltimore, but there is no danger of this malady ever becoming an epidemic.

A German has invented a noiseless telephone booth. A noiseless telephone party line would be a greater blessing.

It is necessarily true that the worst is yet to come.

No man becomes a jailbird just for a lark.

Birds and Human Nature

1878

What is that legend of Mrs. Piatt's poem about the bird in the brain? Birds are perhaps the most human of creatures, and I should not be surprised if told we all carry more or less of them in our hearts and brains.

I have seen the hawk looking out of the human face many a time, and I think I have seen the eagle; I credit those who say they have seen the owl. Are not the buzzards and unclean birds terribly suggestive? The song-birds were surely all brooded and hatched in the human heart. They are typical of its highest aspirations, and nearly the whole gamut of human passion and emotion is expressed more or less in their varied songs.

Among our own birds there is the song of the hermit-thrush for devoutness and religious serenity, that of the wood-thrush for the musing, melodious thoughts of twilight, the song-sparrow's for simple faith and trust, the bobolink's for hilarity and glee, the mourning-dove's for hopeless sorrow, the vireo's for all-day and every-day contentment, and the nocturne of the mocking-bird for love. Then there are the plaintive singers, the soaring, ecstatic singers, the confident singers, the gushing and voluble singers, and the half-voiced, inarticulate singers. The note of the pewee is a human sigh, the piping of the chickadee unspeakable tenderness and fidelity. There is pride in the song of the tanager, and vanity in that of the cat-bird.

There is something distinctly human about the robin; his is the note of boyhood. I have thoughts that follow the migrating fowls northward and southward, and that go with the sea-birds into the desert of the ocean, lonely and tireless as they. I sympathize with the watchful crow perched yonder on that tree, or walking about the fields. I hurry outdoors when I hear the clarion of the wild gander; his comrade in my heart sends back the call. — John Burroughs, in Scribner's Magazine.

They Do Say

Massachusetts, 1916

That all the world loves to josh a lover.

That the lunch cart boys take their meals at all hours.

That the average messenger boy doesn't look like a runaway.

That taking all in all it is just as well dreams don't come true.

That a change of scene is the only thing to cure the vacation fever.

That some women show wonderful ingenuity in distributing an obese figure.

That some girls can be modest even though their skirts are short and full.

That sometimes 'tis love's young dream and other times it is a nightmare.

That while tenements are in great demand rents have been creeping upward.

That there's not much difference between taking a jitney and taking a chance.

That postal cards from El Paso, Texas, show that there are many fine buildings in that city.

That the fellow who hangs around looking for a political job ought to get life at hard labor.

That a few of our school teachers might with advantage have stayed in school a little longer.

That the fellow with the right kind of civic pride will not throw papers in the streets or parks.

That the price of meat is practically prohibitive for the poor man with a large family of small children.

That life is full of annoyances, including the man who comes in and presents a letter of introduction.

That some widows' soon wish they could take back all the mournful things they said after the funeral.

That the reason a woman always loves the sweetheart she didn't marry Is because she didn't marry him.

That there should be a statute compelling the gossipy man to wear petticoats.

That frequently the man who thinks. he knows it all doesn't know enough to keep still.

That while we wouldn't give our kingdom for a Ford, we'd consider one at a bargain.

That every time a fellow sees a girl driving an automobile he gets out of the way.

That Joe says there isn't any use of washing the windows when it looks like rain.

That the hens are beginning to get that independent look they wear when eggs are going up.

That Jack and Jill went up the hill to feed the little deer, and when they fed the little dear he acted very queer.

That there is a certain contradiction between downcast eyes and striped stockings — when they belong to the same girl.

That sick babies will gain more by one day in the woods than by taking any amount of medicine in the stifling heat of the city.

That a great many people who try to raise vegetables in their gardens show a woeful lack of skill in handling corn, potatoes, tomatoes and lettuce.

—The Lowell Sun, Lowell, Massachusetts, July 15, 1916, p. 4.

The Influence of Man Upon Climate

1877

The influence of man upon climate has been a favorite subject of late years, and it is now well known that, by cutting down forests and draining the soil, men can materially change the climate of a country.

Some recent experiments conducted in Germany confirm this belief, by showing the extent to which woods will affect the rainfall. Two observatories were established for the purposes of comparison — one over a clump of trees forty feet high, and the other over a bare sandy plain about three hundred yards from the forest. Both observatories, were built at the same height from the ground. Twelve months' observation showed that of the total rainfall within that period ten per cent more rain fell over the trees than over the bare sand distant three hundred and thirty yards from them. Further, the air above the wood was charged with aqueous vapor to the extent of ten percent in excess of the air over the barren open soil. The ground too, under the trees, retained far more water than the exposed earth, evaporation from the surface, thanks to its shade of trees and moss, being only one-sixth of that outside their friendly shelter.

These results are valuable in that they point out a possible means of improving the condition of sterile tracts, i.e., by planting trees.

Clippings — "Miss Tanner Married Mr. Hyde"

Ohio, 1878

Clippings

Did you ever see a country town that hadn't the best brass band in the state?

When a man threatens to blow out his brains don't be alarmed — he can't find 'em.

The war just closed is the sixth Russia-Turkish war, of which four have been disastrous for the Turks.

A little boy asked his father the other day if the fight between the Roosters and the Turkeys was over.

Why can't some clairvoyant shut her eyes and open her mouth, and tell us whether there is to be a war or not?

'It is not proper for you to play school to-day, my child, for it is Sunday.' 'I know it, mother, but I am playing Sunday-school.'

A Miss Tanner, who recently married a widower named Hyde, with eleven children, says she has given up tanning and is now dressing Hydes.

'Jane,' cried a fond mother, sticking her head out of the bedroom door, 'it is eleven o'clock; tell that young man to shut the front door from the outside.'

The human body expands immensely with age. When eleven young men are seated on one side of a car, they can easily sit up a little closer to make room for a pretty girl, but six of them can manage to monopolize an entire seat of the car when an old woman comes in.

The potato bugs are getting anxious about the extent of the new potato crop.

—Daily Star, Marion, OH, April 18, 1878, p. 1.

Flashlights and Humorous Observations

1917

Nobody ever made a real success of the other fellow's business.

It's human nature to go to some swell cafe to study human nature, where everything except what is real human nature can be found.

A virtue that is boasted of is usually a very new possession.

A man can live down a vicious past, but a fellow is a fool to handicap himself to that extent.

No man is strong enough to carry a grudge and do justice to himself, too.

Being a good fellow downtown is all right enough in its way, but save a little of your good nature for use when you get home.

A woman never understands why a lot of other women's husbands can make fortunes out of stocks and mines and real estate and her husband can't even get a raise in salary.

Little things trouble us and little things console us.

Only a fool will pay twice for the same experience.

When a man becomes thoroughly contented he has outlived his usefulness.

It is easier for the borrowed umbrella to keep lent than it is for the average man.

The hardest thing in this world for a dead game sport to do is not to tell you about it.

Many a fool, after putting his foot in it, isn't satisfied until he gets there with both feet.

Marriageable couples are fond of star gazing because they are properly equipped for it.

When a candidate places himself in the hands of his friends they massage his pocketbook freely.

Now and then you will find that the shyest girl gets tangled up in the boldest love affair.

If women were unable to see the fine clothes other women wear they would have fewer wrinkles.

When you pick up a pretty girl's handkerchief it is permissible to wonder how she came to drop it.

When a married man walks into a public place looking mad enough to bite a nail in two, and growls to those who speak to him, old maids who happen to be present shake hands with themselves. They have nothing like that coming home noon and evenings.

Our Faith in Human Nature

1913

Luke M'Luke Says

From the Cincinnati Enquirer

We hate to lose our faith in human nature, but we have noticed that the man who operates on the theory that all men are suckers usually has lots of change.

It is believed in lots of circles that the party who makes the most noise is the best singer.

What has become of the old-fashioned man who used to drink a big dipper of well water when he got up in the morning and tell you he was full of Adam's ale?

Most girls who paint are better than they are painted, but the world hasn't time to scrape off the enamel and make an investigation.

There isn't much fun in doing as you please unless you have a wife to object.

When temptation is pretty and shapely a man doesn't try very hard to dodge it.

Any man who marries a woman who has been divorced five times ought not to kick about stale beer and warmed-over hash.

The best way to keep friends is not to need them.

And what has become of the old-fashioned man who used safety pins for hose supporters?

Experience is valuable, but it is never worth one-tenth the price we have to pay for it.

A man practices economy by telling his wife how to get along without things she wants.

We all want to be fair. But if you will let us tell our side of the story we are bound to twist it around so it will favor us.

Why is it that mothers will dress up their little girls tastefully and rig out their little boys like trained monkeys?

Every time a pessimist sees a sunny June bride he has visions of a rainy November day in the divorce court.

When a man has been married about 10 years he isn't half as much worried about his socks wrinkling at the ankles as he is about the holes in the toes.

—The Anaconda Standard, Anaconda, Montana, June 20, 1913, page 6.

A Mean Golf Caddy Gives Player Advice

1912

Caddy's Mean Suggestion

Mrs. R. H. Barlow, the eastern champion, said at the Cape May Golf club, nodding toward a certain man:

"Yes, he is a very poor player. Even his caddy, for all his liberal tips, scorns him.

"One afternoon he made a wretched foozle and tore up a sod. Lifting this sod in his hand — it was about a foot square — he said to his caddy ruefully:

"'What on earth am I to do with this, John?'

"'If I was you,' the boy answered, 'I'd take it up to the hotel to practice on, sir.'"—New Orleans Daily States.


Don't Quit!

Querulousness is one of the early symptoms of quitting!


Just About

The man who, for fear of being called a tightwad, deprives the children of their rights is about the most despicable specimen of humanity that one can mention off-hand.


Inviolable

It's not so easy to ruin him with whom the pressure of Christ's hand lingers in the palm.—John Inglesant

—The Daily Commonwealth, Fond du Lac, Wisconsin, December 17, 1912, page 4.