CHAINED

WIFE: Think of it! Where would you be today if it weren't for me?
HUBBY: As far away as possible. -- Ohio Motorist

THE LAST RESORT
"Miss Smith -- er -- Gladys, tell me -- what must I give you to get a kiss from you?"
"Chloroform." -- Pele Mele, Paris.

PRETTY THINGS
CUSTOMER: I don't like the looks of that haddock.
FISH DEALER: Lady, if it's looks you're after, why don't you buy a goldfish? -- The Humorist.

KEPT VERY BUSY
DAUGHTER: Dad, what is your birthstone?
FATHER OF SEVEN: My dear, I'm not quite sure, but I rather think it is a grindstone. -- The Humorist.

READY TO GO
BURGLAR (breaking into house and finding Smith in bed): Lumme! I thought you'd gone on a vacation with the missus and kids.
SMITH: Give me five minutes to pack and I'll go. -- The Humorist.

Comment: According to online dictionary sources, lumme means (lord) love me, an interjection like darn or jeez, expressing surprise. But I don't really get Smith's answer. Maybe it has to do with his fear of the burglar. In "The Last Resort," it touches on being familiar with someone, thinking you have the right to call them by their first name, but in this case being rebuffed.