Are We Well Mannered?

1895

I suppose no one of us likes to be told that we are not well mannered, writes Mrs. Lyman Abbott in The Ladies' Home Journal.

Yet what one of us is free from all charge of misconduct? I do not refer to those lapses from etiquette which are the result of ignorance of those unwritten rules of society which every community makes for itself, but to a disregard of those social laws which have their foundation in character: And, after all, how many of the much sneered at ordinances which politeness lays upon us are really founded on deep and noble principles?

Courtesy is but the expression of kindness. Table manners are much transgressed, not simply by eating with the knife and drinking from the saucer, not by offending the taste, but by wounding the heart by sarcastic and contemptuous remarks thoughtlessly uttered, and, quite as often, by indifference and inattention. One may say that the heart should not be wounded so easily, but if the heart be hardened so that it does not feel wounds it will soon become too hard to feel and express sympathy.

Talk — The Manner of It

1916

The high schools and colleges of the day ought to do something more to teach students how to talk. The young men would be better off for some instruction of the kind, but in the case of the young women it is little less than a necessity. Their voices, to be candid, are by no means as pleasing as they might easily be were their possessors even reminded occasionally of the value of modulation, variation, softness and correct and fairly precise pronunciation.

As it is, however, the sweet girl graduate has anything but a voice and a manner of speaking consistent with the refreshing charms with which she is otherwise so generously blessed. In one university in the state — typical of others — a visitor recently observed that nearly every young woman in the senior class was woefully addicted to habits of mispronunciation. "And their voices," he added, "were most distressing. What they said was well enough, but the manner of their saying it was — agonizing."

The indictment, it must be admitted, is well founded. It is one, however, that should never be brought — for which there should be no support. And there would be none of it, either, if no more than casual attention were paid to the matter in our schools and colleges. Singing is taught — to be only rarely used. Why not teach talking? — Indianapolis News.

No Cause For Him to Complain

1902

"See here," remarked the guest to the new waiter, "there doesn't seem to be any soup on this menu card."
"Oh, no, sir," replied the waiter, nervously, "I didn't spill it at this table — it was the one on the other side of the room." — Cincinnati Commercial Tribune.


Satiric

"Don't you think that some people in society are very deficient in manners?" said the man who had been annoyed by a box party.
"Perhaps," answered Miss Cayenne; "but possibly they are not to blame. They have to meet so many customs house inspectors, you know." — Washington Star.


As She Reasoned It

"It is but natural," said Mrs. Van Scadders, "that those who possess wealth should consider themselves the best people."
"I don't quite follow you?"
"It is an axiom that everything is for the best."
"Yes."
"And the people with money are the only ones who have a chance to get everything." — Washington Star.

Daddy's Bedtime Story — "Where the Bad Boy Found His Manners"

1911

The Bad Boy in the Ditch

"He was really a naughty, ill mannered boy," began daddy. "His parents were wealthy, and they left him to the care of servants, who did not know how to make a good boy of him. The result was that he was impudent to the servants and cruel to dogs and cats and insisted on having his own way always. I shall tell you how he learned a good lesson.

"It happened in the summer time. One day this naughty boy, whose name was Dick, was standing at the gate of his father's house when another boy came there. He was a poor boy — you could tell that by his old clothing — but his shirt waist and his knickerbockers were clean and neat, and his face shone with good nature as well as soap and water. You could tell by looking at him that he was a jolly fellow. He carried in his hand a tin can full of ripe, juicy blackberries, and he asked Dick to buy them.

" 'Go away from here,' said Dick, with a frown, 'or I shall set the dog on you. We don't need your berries. We have everything we want!'

" 'If you have, please give me a drink of water,' said the poor boy. But Dick threatened again to set the dog on him, so he went away whistling.

"Then Dick said to himself: 'Those blackberries looked good. I think I will go and get some for myself.' He went out of the gate and down the road to a place where he knew the blackberries grew. The bushes were on the far side of a wide ditch, which was filled with mud. Dick was too lazy to find a good place to cross, so he tried to jump the ditch.

"He landed right in the middle in mud up to his waist When he tried to get out he found that he was stuck fast and could not free himself. Then he called for help. But it was a lonely spot, and for a long time he heard no answer. Then he heard a voice saying, 'Who's there?'

"Then Dick called again as loudly as he could, and soon he saw at the side of the ditch the poor boy whom he had treated so rudely. 'Hello!' said the boy. 'How did you get in there?'

" 'I fell in,' said Dick. 'Please help me out?'

" 'All right,' said the other boy. And he lay down at the side of the ditch, not minding the mud on his clothing, and reached out his hand to Dick. He was a strong boy, so he soon was able to get Dick out. Dick thanked him and went home to be cleaned off.

"The next day when the poor boy came around again to try to sell his berries Dick was very nice to him. 'Where did you find your manners?' asked the boy. 'In the ditch,' said Dick."

Leave Taking When Visiting Someone

1902

A little nicety of leave-taking that is practiced by a certain well-bred woman, says the Dundee News, is to rise to end the visit while she is the speaker. In this way she is apparently leaving while she is much interested.

This is better than to start at the end of a pause, or to jump up the moment your hostess's voice drops. One way implies boredom; the other waiting for a chance to get away. This may seem a trifle of observance, but it is worth while if only to train one's self in the habit of easy leave-taking -- a rare accomplishment even among women with wide social experience. Once standing, leave promptly, and avoid spinning out a second visit in the hall.

The Culture of Politeness

1895

M. Brunetiero of the French academy contributes an article on "Education and Instruction," in which he makes remarks that are worth quoting, to the effect that the first interest of the French community being to endure and to continue on the same lines, the treatment of the young must be to a certain extent subordinate to this general theory and not wholly based on the individual development of the boy and girl.

French politeness, for instance, is an integral attribute of France as we have always known her, and has partly molded her literary expressions and contributed to the wide diffusion of her language. "Thus the well-bred man is he who controls himself in the interest of others. The idea of a certain amount of constraint is still at the base of continental education. . . . To breed up or to train a child is to habituate it to repress such of its movements, to restrain such of its moods, to keep to itself such of its sentiments as might annoy or alarm others. The general interest, which in the sphere of manners is the interest of the 'world,' is therefore recognized as superior to that of the individual, and as sufficiently important to require each of us to subordinate, to submit, to bend his own nature, and so we come to the formula of individual constraint in favor of a social gain."

Etiquette — "When a Guest, When Do You Retire for the Night?"

1910

Delicate Point at Issue

Whether Guest or Hostess Should Make First Move for Retiring for the Night

Until the end of time it will probably be a mooted question whether guest or hostess should make the first move for retiring for the night. When staying in a house for the first time this is one of the most difficult points for a guest to decide, and it takes a great deal of tact and discernment to arrive at a correct conclusion.

In the summer house at country or seashore the chances are, if the host goes to town for business every day, that the whole household is up early. The hostess is certainly, as a rule, if her husband is a business man. In that case it is almost essential that they go to bed early. Logical as this conclusion may seem, a guest fears to suggest going too early to her own room, lest she should seem to be bored during the evening, and thus it is, when both really would like to turn in at a reasonable hour, they and others are kept up by a desperate attempt to be polite.

If any rule of procedure may be laid down for a stranger in the house it is to find out, as soon as possible, at what time breakfast is served and when the host goes to town. It is a safe method, if he goes early, and especially if breakfast is served for all at an early hour, to suggest retiring by ten o'clock at the latest, and in more than one household in the summer the same people who turn night into day in the winter go to their rooms by nine o'clock in the evening. It is better for guests to err on the side of going too soon than too late, for nothing will make strangers more unpopular than to overturn the comfortable habits of the household.

Host and hostess are not required to go to their own rooms because guests may have retired to theirs, but they are obliged to stay up if the stranger makes no move to retire.

It is by no means difficult, even for a person making a first visit, to suggest retiring. She may say that she is tired from having been so much out of doors, or that the heat is rather trying, or any other such simple excuse as may come into her mind, and declare that she would like to retire. She makes her good-nights then at once, and the host and hostess are at liberty to follow their usual customs.

Oriental Politeness — 'Your Arrival Drives Away Somber Night'

1888

Some curious notes on the etiquette of the East are published in a recent issue of the Gazette de France. For instance a Turkish Effendi, when speaking to another about himself, always says: "your servant," "your valet," or "your slave;" and to the other he says "your high" or "your eminent personality." Instead of saying "I saw you at the theater the other night," he would always say: "At the theater the other night I saw the dust of your shoes;" after all, a rather doubtful sort of compliment.

But here is the Turkish form of an invitation to dinner: "My Generous Master, My Respected Lord: This evening if it pleases Allah, when the great king of the army of stars, the sun of worlds, approaching the kingdom of shades, shall put his foot into the stirrup of speed, you are invited to enlighten us with the luminous rays of your face, which rivals the sun. Your arrival, like the zephyr of spring, will drive away from us the somber night of solitude and isolation."



Personal and Literary

1888

—A granddaughter of Charles Dickens is now a type-writer, and copies MSS. for a living.

—Rev. Dr. Bartol says of the late A. Bronson Alcott: "Were it possible, he was courteous to excess. He would have been polite to Satan."

—Of the literary men who died during 1887, the ages of one hundred and twenty are recorded in the Literary World. Taking them as a basis the average age of literary men is found to be seventy years.

—The youngest woman in the newspaper business heard from up to date is Miss Agnes McMellan, the local editor of the Seward Democrat of Nebraska. She is but fifteen years old, and an excellent news gatherer.

—D. W. C. Throop, editor of the Mount Pleasant (Iowa) Free Press, was writing a few days ago an article on the lesson of Tom Potter's death from overwork. Suddenly he paused, put his hand to his heart, and fell to the floor a corpse.

—"Buffalo Bill" is to try his luck as an author. He will write a book which treats of the reclamation from the Indians of the vast domain which lies west of the Alleghenies. The volume will recount the exploits of many famous frontiersmen.

Parry a Compliment, Accept One, Give Your Attention

1902

Accept One Always, but Never Take It Seriously

The famous Mme. Recamier said that she always found two words sufficed to make her guests seem welcome. Upon their arrival she exclaimed, "At last!" and when they took their leave she said, "Already?" If taken literally, we should deprecate the flattery. Flattery is insincere praise and wrongs him that gives and him that takes. It is sometimes kinder to accept a compliment than to parry it.

One may say "Thank you, it is pleasant to be seen through such kind (or partial) eyes," or perhaps, "It is a comfort to know that friendship is partly blind as well as the mythological boy," or any nonsense that serves to show that one appreciates the spirit that prompted the kind expression, however wide the truth.

The frequent repetition of the name of the person addressed h olds a subtle compliment, implying more complete concentration on the speaker's thought upon his or her personality.

De Quincy says: "More will be done for the benefit of conversation by the simple magic of good manners than by all varieties of intellectual power."

It is the sympathetic and responsive listeners that call forth the best efforts of a talker. For such are reserved his choicest stories, his finest thoughts.

A ready smile acts as inspiration, and interest shown in the conversation of others stimulates and vivifies their thoughts.

To a good listener the diffident will say what they think, and the verbose will think what they say.

There is nothing more trying than to find that one's conversation is receiving but a divided attention and nothing more rude than for a person to pick up a book or paper and look over it while pretending to listen to what one is saying. — New York Herald.

Refinement Removed from Excess, Waste, Allied to Simplicity

1876

Refinement is not fastidiousness. It is not luxury. It is nothing of this kind. It is far removed from excess or waste. A person truly refined will not squander or needlessly consume anything. Refinement, on the contrary, is always allied to simplicity and a judicious and tasteful employment of the means of good and happiness which it has at command. It seeks to divest itself of superfluities and aspires continually to the utmost possible purity.

Refinement leads to personal cleanliness and elegant neatness, good taste and simplicity in dress. All "loudness" or "flashiness" is repugnant to its spirit. In its home and surroundings — whether palatial, affluent, or humble — the same chasteness and natural grace is maintained. The abode of genuine refinement and a mere pretender to it are very different. In the former you will find no excess, gaudiness, or false glittering; but the latter abounds in it.

In personal manner, refinement is most conspicuous. A man of refinement is always polite without flourish, gentle without effeminacy, and considerate without stiffness. Display and ceremony are not identical with refinement, and are poor substitutes for it. There is of course no refinement like that of the heart, which impels its possessor to show on all occasions a thoughtful and kindly regard for the feelings of others. No adherence to etiquette can compare with it for the spontaneous observation of true and gratifying politeness.



The Best Nourishment

Be as the little child who eats and sleeps and grows. God gives you the best nourishment, although not always the sweetest to the taste. — Madame Guyon.

The Duty of a Woman to be a Lady

1877

Wildness is a thing which girls cannot afford. Delicacy is a thing which cannot be lost and found. No art can restore to the grape its bloom. Familiarity without love, without confidence, without regard, is destructive to all that makes woman exalting and ennobling.

"The World is wide, these things are small,
They may be nothing, but they are all."

Nothing? It is the first duty of a woman to be a lady. Good breeding is good sense. Bad manners in a woman is an immorality. Awkwardness may be ineradicable. Bashfulness is constitutional. Ignorance of etiquette is the result of circumstances. All can be condoned, and do not banish man or woman from the amenities of their kind. But self-possessed, unshrinking and aggressive coarseness of demeanor may be reckoned as a state prison offence, and certainly merits that mild form of punishment called imprisonment for life.

It is a shame for women to be lectured on their manners. It is a bitter shame that they need. Women are the umpires of society. It is they to whom all mooted points should be referred. To be a lady is more than to be a prince. A lady is always in her right inalienably worthy of respect. To a lady prince and peasant alike bow. Do not be restrained. Do not have impulses that need restraint. Do not wish to dance with the prince unsought; feel differently. Be sure that you confer honor. Carry yourselves so lofty that men shall look up to you for reward, not at you in rebuke.

The natural sentiment of man toward woman is reverence. He loses a large means of grace when he is obliged to account her a being to be trained into propriety. A man's ideal is not wounded when a woman fails in worldly wisdom; but if in grace, in tact, in sentiment, in delicacy, in kindness, she should be found wanting, he receives an inward hurt. — Gail Hamilton.

Husband's Bad Table Manners Cause Suicide

1928

CHICAGO, May 25. — (AP) — Her husband's table manners were blamed for the suicide of Mrs. Gladys Drew, who took poison yesterday.

Edwin Drew, the husband, said his wife became angry over the manner in which he handled his spoon as they were eating at a restaurant. A quarrel followed and she went home where he found her shortly afterwards dying.

—The Fresno Bee, Fresno, CA, May 28, 1928, page 1.

Is It Good Manners To Serve All The Ladies First?

1920

YOUR MANNERS.

It Is Correct.

To lay the knives at the right of the plate with the sharp edges in.

To lay the soup spoon next to the knives away from the plate.

To lay the oyster fork next to the soup spoon.

To place the glasses at the right of the plate.

To use a tumbler or goblet for water.


It Is Not Correct.

To type the names on place cards.

For a servant waiting on the table to invite guests to partake of the food.

To remove dishes from the table by stacking them one above the other.

To serve the same person last at each course of a dinner.

To serve all the ladies first except at a small dinner where the host does the carving.