Funny Lines From 1900

1900

The lawyer who attends to his own business is a sort of legal tender.

In the eyes of the bibulous the fellow who carries a corkscrew is never a bore.

The somnambulist who tumbles from a roof is an illustration of one way to fall asleep.

No, Maude, dear, people who are regarded as the salt of the earth are not to be found in the cellars.

It is a source of consolation to the married man to know that there are lots of bald-headed bachelors.

Some men seem to think that when their wives begin to spoon it means that they are expected to fork over.

The reason a woman can never hold the mirror up to nature is because she is too busy looking in it herself.

Nell — They say she is two-faced.
Bell — Yes; I've seen her in the morning before she had a chance to make up.

First Doctor — That sick man is a conundrum to me.
Second Doctor — What did you do?
First Doctor — I gave him up.

Blobbs — So Bjones has married his deceased wife's sister.
Slobbs — Yes; he didn't want to take chances with a new mother-in-law. — Philadelphia Record

Pointed Paragraphs — Carpenters Are Counterfitters

1900

The telescope lens enchantment to the distant view.

An egg in hand is worth more than a hen in the bush.

When a woman is in love it is very apt to increase her sighs.

Woman is the only tyrant that some men are not inclined to resist.

You can always bank on finding a well-filled pocketbook interesting.

Some people evidently go to the opera just to hear themselves talk.

When a man becomes a chronic loafer he begins to prey upon his neighbors.

Every time you avoid doing wrong you increase your inclination to do right.

The police should keep an eye on carpenters; many of them are counterfitters.

It's safer to be ignorant of a secret that's dangerous to keep than it is to know it.

Age is venerable in man — and it would be in woman were she to become old.

Sometimes a man has no confidence in other men because he has none in himself.

Medicine and advice are two things that it is always more pleasant to give than to receive.

Joseph's brethren probably cast him into the pit because they thought it was a good opening for a young man.

Ice cream and bon-bons may be the food of love, but bread and meat occupy important positions on the matrimonial bill of fare.

Intuition is something that tells a woman her husband is lying when he comes home at 2 a.m. and begins to explain the whys and wherefores. — Chicago News.

Short Shorts

1900

Conventional Wisdom

The duelist's aim is at the point of honor.

Some business men only win financial success through failures.

The fresh young man is generally not worth his salt.

If a lazy man is comfortable he is happy.

The woman who is fond of home isn't necessarily homely.

A vain woman is like a street piano — she is full of airs.

Never judge a man by his relatives — they are not of his own selection.

Every man who isn't prominent imagines he will be some day.

The boy who works in a bowling alley earns his pin money.

The aristocratic dentist should be a man of excellent extraction.

There are few people who think they are worse than they really are.

Wit is a diamond in the rough that is polished by adversity.

The only step from the sublime to the ridiculous is usually a short one.

The flustrated bride usually has all sorts of presence except presence of mind.

He who lacks time to make also lacks time to mend.

A woman who probably speaks from experience says a husband who can be led isn't worth leading.

You will observe that men who post as fancy whistlers seldom amount to much.

Return good for evil. If your enemy heaps coals of fire on your head, pile chunks of ice on his.

$25 Reward for Missing Wife

1911

Editorial Quips

An Illinois husband has offered a reward of $25 for the return of his missing wife. "That's all she is worth," she says. That is love.

The Marquis of Landsdowne's Rembrandt, valued at $500,000, may go into the National gallery and then again it may be brought to America.

A Chicago professor says that lack of money is the bane of wedlock. In the matter of feeling this lack as a bane, wedlock has plenty of company.

Nearly 2,000,000 brook trout fry are ready for planting in Wisconsin's streams. They will probably develop into 2,000,000 fish stories later in the year.

Australians have perfected the milking machine so that it milks a hundred cows in two hours. But the milkmaid will continue to live in poetry.

Flat-wheeled trolley cars and all auto horns are to be regulated in New York.

The center of population, unlike most of the sons of Indiana, remains in that state.

Saved by His Quick Wit Before Napoleon

1916

A Reply That Won Over Napoleon and the Duke of Modena

In the French campaign in Italy, in which Napoleon I first began to win the laurels which subsequently so abundantly crowned his career, a young Italian cavalry officer was taken prisoner.

Having serious doubts about his safety, it occurred to the prisoner to pretend be was a great personage. So he promised rewards to his captors if they would insure his good treatment, adding confidentially that he was the Duke of Modena.

He was exceedingly well cared for, and early next morning he was called before Napoleon, who was somewhat puzzled at finding two Dukes of Modena among his prisoners, for the real duke was also a prisoner. The real duke angrily asked his counterfeit by what authority he had assumed the title of Duke of Modena. The young officer answered:

"Your grace, the peril of my situation yesterday was such that had I known a more illustrious title I would not have assumed yours."

The reply so pleased both the duke and Napoleon that he was forgive his deceit.

—Stevens Point Daily Journal, Stevens Point, Wisconsin, July 29, 1916, page 3.

DON'T WORRY, MISTER

Old gentleman -- Boys, be careful you don't pick toadstools instead of mushrooms. They are very easily confused.
Spokesboy -- Don't worry, mister, We ain't goin' to eat 'em ourselves; we're goin' to sell 'em. -- Boston Transcript.

"What's the matter with Senator Wombat?"
"He can't seem to realize that he can't end this war with a resolution." -- Kansas City Journal.

She -- Don't you think you ought at least to make enough money to support me?
He -- It wouldn't make any difference; even then I couldn't support you. -- Life.

"Vaudeville is getting more sophisticated all the time."
"What now?"
"A difficult juggling turn used to travel on its own merits, but now it's no good unless performed on roller skates." -- Louisville Courier-Journal.